Fall is coming. I love and fear fall. Because that's what happens... the leaves drop, the sky descends sooner each day, and my emotions topple over into a basket case of a heap. Then the darkness of winter arrives, days without sun, days without feeling anything above zero degrees, days without hope. Sadness arrives, sadness and claustrophobia.
The snow makes the world smaller in some ways, the driveways and sidewalks lose their widths, the spaces between parking spots shrink, yet the world gets bigger. The piles of snow grow, the streets raise up an inch or two under the packed snow, we reach closer to the ceiling of clouds. Except, I stop reaching. I hold my hands to myself, I hole myself up in my room, and do not wish to live, do not want to talk, and do not want to do anything but sleep.
It feels so bewildering to love a season so much and to loathe it just as much. However, I am filled with dread concerning another matter. The Boy and I found a house we love. After seeing nine other houses, we walked into this one, smiled at each other, and nodded. We knew. You just know. It felt right. It seemed like us. I could imagine my furniture in each room, I could imagine a future in the backyard, a car in the garage, and our mess in the family room. We put an offer in and the sellers counter-offered. We accepted this counter offer.
Banks and lenders had already been visited and papers with stamps of pre-approval followed us joyfully around the area as our realtor showed up prospective properties. We've been to the bank again, things are in motion, and the house shall hopefully be ours.
During this process, there have been days where anxiety spiked and I was jittery with nerves. I told my co-workers what was going on while in training one day, and received an odd reaction from the substitute trainer. "You're buying a house?" Yes, we're buying a house. "Are you married?" No. "But you're buying a house?" Yes, we're buying a house. "But you're not married?" No, we're not married. "But you're buying a house?" Yes. "Isn't that backwards?" Not for us.
Why does she care if we are married? Why does she care if we are buying a house? Why does she think it's backwards? Further, why is she questioning me about it in a room full of people at work using her moral slant?
So, we may be homeowners. Well, I may be. It's only got my name. I looked to hire a lawyer to write up a document and the estimate I received made me want to make this lawyer eat his legal briefs. $175.00 an hour with no estimate of how many hours it would take, plus a retainer fee. I think not. If nothing else, I'll type something up and The Boy and I can sign it in front of a notary public, thus creating a legal document. How binding will that be? Binding enough to allow The Boy to keep his balls. That's what I threaten him with all the time... castration.
Such a fun game!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sparkles
I've never been much of a girly girl. I don't wear make-up, I don't wear jewelry 90% of the time, but yet I'm not a complete tom boy. I don't watch sports, I don't know anything about cars, etc. I always felt there was a healthy balance. This weekend that balance tipped and fell over.
The girliness outshined everything. Why did this happen? I went home over the long weekend to visit with my parents while The Boy enjoyed the debauchery of Vegas. I enjoy visiting my parents immensely and usually have a good time while there. This weekend proved that theory correct. However, one activity filled all of my time. I cleaned, sorted, and bagged jewelry. More jewelry that I've ever seen or touched in my entire life put together.
In one day we went through 300 small bags, my mom has used over 700 price labels, the world was spinning with gold, pearls, silver, and rhinestones. It was a glitzy, shiny, sometimes gaudy affair.
My grandmother had a house full of stuff when she died and none of it was organized, sorted, together, etc. It was a hodge podge, a mish-mash of items. Matching earings were in different cases (there were over 15 cases), pins, earings, and necklaces were not stored properly and lost their stones, items tarnished over time, they were tangled, mangled, and unloved. We brought some back to their previous luster, we threw some in the garbage, and my parents have had some repaired to a fabulous state.
During my perusing, I began to covet some pieces. My mother contributed to this desire by saying, "I held this aside so you could see if you liked it and want it." I liked and wanted many pieces and I now have a fine jewelry collection. I earned my "pay" this weekend. I did nothing but work with this jewelry from the time I came home until the time I left. My mother, however, has persevered much longer than I- she's been at it a month already. I think she felt that there was never an end in sight. However, when I spoke with her last, one could finally see the living room floor and the dining room table was becoming a place where people could perchance eat some time.
Tomorrow is a private sale for a few friends of my mom's. Then Friday is a larger private sale and Saturday is the public sale. I just think it's a shame that the 100 plus boxes of dolls aren't worth and most can't be restored to usuable, desireable states. They will remain orphans in boxes tucked away in garages. Alas, sometimes only beauty finds a home.
The girliness outshined everything. Why did this happen? I went home over the long weekend to visit with my parents while The Boy enjoyed the debauchery of Vegas. I enjoy visiting my parents immensely and usually have a good time while there. This weekend proved that theory correct. However, one activity filled all of my time. I cleaned, sorted, and bagged jewelry. More jewelry that I've ever seen or touched in my entire life put together.
In one day we went through 300 small bags, my mom has used over 700 price labels, the world was spinning with gold, pearls, silver, and rhinestones. It was a glitzy, shiny, sometimes gaudy affair.
My grandmother had a house full of stuff when she died and none of it was organized, sorted, together, etc. It was a hodge podge, a mish-mash of items. Matching earings were in different cases (there were over 15 cases), pins, earings, and necklaces were not stored properly and lost their stones, items tarnished over time, they were tangled, mangled, and unloved. We brought some back to their previous luster, we threw some in the garbage, and my parents have had some repaired to a fabulous state.
During my perusing, I began to covet some pieces. My mother contributed to this desire by saying, "I held this aside so you could see if you liked it and want it." I liked and wanted many pieces and I now have a fine jewelry collection. I earned my "pay" this weekend. I did nothing but work with this jewelry from the time I came home until the time I left. My mother, however, has persevered much longer than I- she's been at it a month already. I think she felt that there was never an end in sight. However, when I spoke with her last, one could finally see the living room floor and the dining room table was becoming a place where people could perchance eat some time.
Tomorrow is a private sale for a few friends of my mom's. Then Friday is a larger private sale and Saturday is the public sale. I just think it's a shame that the 100 plus boxes of dolls aren't worth and most can't be restored to usuable, desireable states. They will remain orphans in boxes tucked away in garages. Alas, sometimes only beauty finds a home.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
It's the bated breath
Some days, when The Boy does something stupid, I have to sit and wonder what the hell is he doing and more specifically what the hell am I doing with him?
Then, Fridays come along and I am reassured that he's the best choice I ever made. As mentioned before, I have bronchitis. It has not yet gone away and on Friday it was torturing me. I could not concentrate, but could only cough. I called it a day at noon and went to The Boy's.
When I walked in the door, he looked at me, and told me to lie down. I did and he covered me with two blankets, still shivering, and stating that I was cold, he piled a third blanket on me and tucked me in. I would have stayed tucked in all afternoon, but alas my intestines were not cooperating that day. I had to get up every 15 to 30 minutes to use the bathroom. However, each time I came back to the couch, he asked how I was, if I needed anything, and made sure all my limbs were clearly covered by blankets.
I "rested" this way until it was time to leave for the appointment with our new realtor. The meeting was brief, but informative. I like her and I think we will retain her as our permanent realtor. After this meeting, which I strugged to pay attention at, we headed to the video store, and the grocery store. When we arrived back at the apartment, he ordered me inside and would not allow me to help carry anything in. He ordered me into my jammies and back on the couch. I listened and tried to insist I could help, but he said I had to rest. He had told the realtor that he was ordered by my mother to make sure I had a restful weekend.
I left that couch only once until I went to bed. Otherwise, he brought me a snack of cottage cheese and crackers. He made me French Toast, which was artfully arranged on a plate around a mug of warmed syrup. He brought me things to drink, he brought me our Monkey, and he let me pick the first movie. He sat in a different seat than usual so he could reach out occasionally and stroke my hand.
I slept for 12 hours that night. And the next day I did very little again. I made no meals, I lifted nothing heavier than a fingernail clipper, and napped. I also cried and being treated so well by someone other than my parents.
I am feeling better. However, if I talk for more than two minutes, I lose my voice. I still cough and my nose is running and needing blowing constantly. I can work now though, but laughing still causes me to wheeze. I want to go back to the gym, but recently I became quite winded walking to the apartment, back to the car, and to the apartment again with nary a hill in sight.
Then, Fridays come along and I am reassured that he's the best choice I ever made. As mentioned before, I have bronchitis. It has not yet gone away and on Friday it was torturing me. I could not concentrate, but could only cough. I called it a day at noon and went to The Boy's.
When I walked in the door, he looked at me, and told me to lie down. I did and he covered me with two blankets, still shivering, and stating that I was cold, he piled a third blanket on me and tucked me in. I would have stayed tucked in all afternoon, but alas my intestines were not cooperating that day. I had to get up every 15 to 30 minutes to use the bathroom. However, each time I came back to the couch, he asked how I was, if I needed anything, and made sure all my limbs were clearly covered by blankets.
I "rested" this way until it was time to leave for the appointment with our new realtor. The meeting was brief, but informative. I like her and I think we will retain her as our permanent realtor. After this meeting, which I strugged to pay attention at, we headed to the video store, and the grocery store. When we arrived back at the apartment, he ordered me inside and would not allow me to help carry anything in. He ordered me into my jammies and back on the couch. I listened and tried to insist I could help, but he said I had to rest. He had told the realtor that he was ordered by my mother to make sure I had a restful weekend.
I left that couch only once until I went to bed. Otherwise, he brought me a snack of cottage cheese and crackers. He made me French Toast, which was artfully arranged on a plate around a mug of warmed syrup. He brought me things to drink, he brought me our Monkey, and he let me pick the first movie. He sat in a different seat than usual so he could reach out occasionally and stroke my hand.
I slept for 12 hours that night. And the next day I did very little again. I made no meals, I lifted nothing heavier than a fingernail clipper, and napped. I also cried and being treated so well by someone other than my parents.
I am feeling better. However, if I talk for more than two minutes, I lose my voice. I still cough and my nose is running and needing blowing constantly. I can work now though, but laughing still causes me to wheeze. I want to go back to the gym, but recently I became quite winded walking to the apartment, back to the car, and to the apartment again with nary a hill in sight.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Bugs Bunny's Famous Line Here
I am a cougher. Deep and throaty. This cough and my nasal congestion led people to tell me to see a doctor. I did after a bit of waiting, but I saw one. I peeked through the door and glanced at a white coat. At least, I'm claiming that was a doctor. Who else would wear unattractive white coats?
Onward, I have acute bronchitis. I emailed The Boy praising myself for having cute illnesses even, that I know I'm adorable, but to have the power to make viruses cute is immense. Wow was all I could say to describe that.
Onward again. I received a nebulizer treatment, my first! It was hard to concentrate on breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose, especially since my nose was a bit stuffy. It's not a snobbish nose or uptight, it's just filled with mucous. Saying the word mucous makes my eyes squinty, sometimes they will even water. So, for twenty minutes I carefully thought "In through the mouth, out through the nose." Deep thoughts indeed. I didn't even realize how tight my chest had felt until after the treatment. It was like I'd taken off a corset and could finally let it all hang lose, needless to say women everywhere know the feeling of letting the girls run wild and free after confinement. It's liberating, not to mention I felt better.
However, that feeling of better, only lasted a short while. I am back to hacking. I cannot sleep. I am supposed to rest, but after five hours of slumber, my body woke me up wanting a drink of something, wanting to use the bathroom, and then when I finally tried to sleep again, the body coughed and coughed making slumber sleep in the other room. Alas, there's only a twin bed in the other room and we both won't fit in it, apparently. Well, okay there are actually two chairs in here, but really does that matter? No.
What matters is that I just discovered that Swanson Pot Pies do not get crispy in the microwave and Banquet Pot Pies do. This is very important information for those of us who like pot pie crusts. I do not care for the filling all that much, but it is the crust that's alluring. My bed is also luring me, but I feel like it's false. Like a man who shows up in fab car, stylish clothes, takes you to a fun restaurant, but then tells you it's a rental car, his friend lent him the clothes, and he had gift certificates for the restaurant that he won at a Comic Book Convention. Disappointment is the feeling and I am feeling it.
My bed is fantastically comfortable, but coughing while lying down hurts, not to mention it shakes the bed, which makes the headboard hit the wall behind it. Bang Bang. Nope, not sex. Nothing nearly as sexy, just bronchitis at work.
Onward, I have acute bronchitis. I emailed The Boy praising myself for having cute illnesses even, that I know I'm adorable, but to have the power to make viruses cute is immense. Wow was all I could say to describe that.
Onward again. I received a nebulizer treatment, my first! It was hard to concentrate on breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose, especially since my nose was a bit stuffy. It's not a snobbish nose or uptight, it's just filled with mucous. Saying the word mucous makes my eyes squinty, sometimes they will even water. So, for twenty minutes I carefully thought "In through the mouth, out through the nose." Deep thoughts indeed. I didn't even realize how tight my chest had felt until after the treatment. It was like I'd taken off a corset and could finally let it all hang lose, needless to say women everywhere know the feeling of letting the girls run wild and free after confinement. It's liberating, not to mention I felt better.
However, that feeling of better, only lasted a short while. I am back to hacking. I cannot sleep. I am supposed to rest, but after five hours of slumber, my body woke me up wanting a drink of something, wanting to use the bathroom, and then when I finally tried to sleep again, the body coughed and coughed making slumber sleep in the other room. Alas, there's only a twin bed in the other room and we both won't fit in it, apparently. Well, okay there are actually two chairs in here, but really does that matter? No.
What matters is that I just discovered that Swanson Pot Pies do not get crispy in the microwave and Banquet Pot Pies do. This is very important information for those of us who like pot pie crusts. I do not care for the filling all that much, but it is the crust that's alluring. My bed is also luring me, but I feel like it's false. Like a man who shows up in fab car, stylish clothes, takes you to a fun restaurant, but then tells you it's a rental car, his friend lent him the clothes, and he had gift certificates for the restaurant that he won at a Comic Book Convention. Disappointment is the feeling and I am feeling it.
My bed is fantastically comfortable, but coughing while lying down hurts, not to mention it shakes the bed, which makes the headboard hit the wall behind it. Bang Bang. Nope, not sex. Nothing nearly as sexy, just bronchitis at work.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
It's an uphill battle.
You know when you're sitting in a quiet office or library with your head filling with information and ideas, trying to sort them all out, and someone keeps coughing, and keeps coughing and all this makes you want to stuff a cotton rag in their mouth and hope they choke on it? I am that cougher. I went to a wedding and as a parting gift received a cold. Thankfully, gifts keep on giving and I've managed to infect The Boy, though he appears to be healing more rapidly than I.
Most of my office is sick, though I don't know if that's my doing or not. Many of them were showing symptons around the same time I started exhibiting the classic signs of a cold. I've consumed three bottles of cold medicine, countless cough drops, and some sore throat lozenges that have only managed to numb my tongue thus far. I am giving up on the so-called throat lozenges; I nearly bit my numby little tongue off. Because of this, this illness I am not enjoying the days of August, the sun, the gym, the anything. I am moping and sullen. I hate being sick but especially in the summer. Not to mention, something is making me poop uncontrollably.
So, I am in fact not a happy camper. No, I am the non-participant, the arms crossed over the chest, glaring, angry camper. Watch out or I'll turn my arts and crafts project into a weapon.
In other news, The Boy and I are looking at buying a house. I am leery about this, but at the same time we are paying too much for us to live apart and we both want to own a home. It's out of town about 45 miles, but not too bad of a drive. We are seeing a realtor on Friday because if nothing else we can find out what we need to do in order to become eligible to buy a home in the near future, say the next one or two years. My dad said there's nothing wrong with looking since it's free and this is true. Although, I'm leery about owning a home with a man I am not married to, not even engaged to. I always thought I was more liberated, more open than that. Turns out when it comes down to it sometimes, I am old-fashioned.
However, I will never lose my last name. I may compromise with hyphenation, but I will not let my name go. I decided that. I also decided that my boyfriend has horrible taste in engagement rings. I mentioned how my trainer at work showed me a ring she liked on-line, it was the very ring that he had given to his ex-fiance, which I think is hideous even if she hadn't touched it. I told The Boy I thought it was ugly and he asked what I do like. I found some things on-line that I thing are pretty and he finds those horrid. We are in complete disagreement. I fear if we cannot agree on small pieces of metal, how can we agree on a home with larger pieces of metal, and wood, and paint, and.... oh so much more.
Most of my office is sick, though I don't know if that's my doing or not. Many of them were showing symptons around the same time I started exhibiting the classic signs of a cold. I've consumed three bottles of cold medicine, countless cough drops, and some sore throat lozenges that have only managed to numb my tongue thus far. I am giving up on the so-called throat lozenges; I nearly bit my numby little tongue off. Because of this, this illness I am not enjoying the days of August, the sun, the gym, the anything. I am moping and sullen. I hate being sick but especially in the summer. Not to mention, something is making me poop uncontrollably.
So, I am in fact not a happy camper. No, I am the non-participant, the arms crossed over the chest, glaring, angry camper. Watch out or I'll turn my arts and crafts project into a weapon.
In other news, The Boy and I are looking at buying a house. I am leery about this, but at the same time we are paying too much for us to live apart and we both want to own a home. It's out of town about 45 miles, but not too bad of a drive. We are seeing a realtor on Friday because if nothing else we can find out what we need to do in order to become eligible to buy a home in the near future, say the next one or two years. My dad said there's nothing wrong with looking since it's free and this is true. Although, I'm leery about owning a home with a man I am not married to, not even engaged to. I always thought I was more liberated, more open than that. Turns out when it comes down to it sometimes, I am old-fashioned.
However, I will never lose my last name. I may compromise with hyphenation, but I will not let my name go. I decided that. I also decided that my boyfriend has horrible taste in engagement rings. I mentioned how my trainer at work showed me a ring she liked on-line, it was the very ring that he had given to his ex-fiance, which I think is hideous even if she hadn't touched it. I told The Boy I thought it was ugly and he asked what I do like. I found some things on-line that I thing are pretty and he finds those horrid. We are in complete disagreement. I fear if we cannot agree on small pieces of metal, how can we agree on a home with larger pieces of metal, and wood, and paint, and.... oh so much more.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Whisful Thinking
This entry all started because I was looking for a recipe for rutabagas. I was unsure of the spelling and it took me a while to find what I was looking for, but when I finally did I was very excited.
I've been wanting to try rutabagas for some time now, but haven't really thought about learning how to prepare them. Well, that is no more. Praise the internet and its vast array of information.
But what this entry is really about is me wanting to do things and doing them. You must all know what's coming next... a list!!! Yes, a list.
I know, I know. I can hear you all saying "But you've already made a list, more than one list. What makes this list different?" Probably nothing. But I like lists and so a list there shall be.
It's not new and improved, because if something is improved that means it's already old, so it would be old and improved. New is something new and this is a new list. Onward.
1. Prepare and eat turnips and rutabagas.
2. Learn to know when a mango is ripe.
3. Figure out how to know which nectarines are mealy and which ones are smooth to the bite.
4. Learn to sew, really and truly sew.
5. Live. That's it. Just simply live.
6. Live more simply.
7. Stop using plastic grocery sacks and switch to canvas totes.
8. Save money.
9. Pay my parents back what I owe them, which is my life, but I am speaking in monetary terms.
10. Have dinner parties.
11. Invite other couples over for Game Night.
12. Spend less time talking about trivial matters
13. Read the news more often, especially that of other countries.
14. Be healthier.
15. Enjoy pajamas more.
16. Start wearing jewelry.
17. Go to the New England states to see the changing of the leaves.
18. Have a gazebo of my own, even if it's just a miniature one for decoration.
19. Control my diabetes.
20. Own more plants and keep them alive.
21. Use coupons.
22. Eat out less.
23. Cook more and enjoy it.
24. Make cookies and share them at work.
25. Wash my car more often.
26. Visit my parents more frequently.
27. Call my grandmother on a regular basis.
28. Make people laugh.
29. Show my true colors, to thine own self be true, dare to be me.
30. Try new things even if they are scary.
I've been wanting to try rutabagas for some time now, but haven't really thought about learning how to prepare them. Well, that is no more. Praise the internet and its vast array of information.
But what this entry is really about is me wanting to do things and doing them. You must all know what's coming next... a list!!! Yes, a list.
I know, I know. I can hear you all saying "But you've already made a list, more than one list. What makes this list different?" Probably nothing. But I like lists and so a list there shall be.
It's not new and improved, because if something is improved that means it's already old, so it would be old and improved. New is something new and this is a new list. Onward.
1. Prepare and eat turnips and rutabagas.
2. Learn to know when a mango is ripe.
3. Figure out how to know which nectarines are mealy and which ones are smooth to the bite.
4. Learn to sew, really and truly sew.
5. Live. That's it. Just simply live.
6. Live more simply.
7. Stop using plastic grocery sacks and switch to canvas totes.
8. Save money.
9. Pay my parents back what I owe them, which is my life, but I am speaking in monetary terms.
10. Have dinner parties.
11. Invite other couples over for Game Night.
12. Spend less time talking about trivial matters
13. Read the news more often, especially that of other countries.
14. Be healthier.
15. Enjoy pajamas more.
16. Start wearing jewelry.
17. Go to the New England states to see the changing of the leaves.
18. Have a gazebo of my own, even if it's just a miniature one for decoration.
19. Control my diabetes.
20. Own more plants and keep them alive.
21. Use coupons.
22. Eat out less.
23. Cook more and enjoy it.
24. Make cookies and share them at work.
25. Wash my car more often.
26. Visit my parents more frequently.
27. Call my grandmother on a regular basis.
28. Make people laugh.
29. Show my true colors, to thine own self be true, dare to be me.
30. Try new things even if they are scary.
Monday, August 06, 2007
I have traveled half this state this weekend to attend my friend's wedding. I got to put on a beautiful purple dress, have my hair done, have my make-up done, and be as girly as possible. It was a beautiful wedding, the weather was perfect, the early morning clouds cleared up, the sun shone, the setting was lovely, and the bride and groom looked great. Everyone has a great time and the only things that did not make it through the wedding intact and okay were the tuxedo pants. For some reason, three pairs of them became torn through different methods, and one shirt was barfed on. Oh well, at least they were rentals.
However, it is in my travels that I realize the beauty of the state I live in. Each side of the state is completely different, as a person with split personalities, one flat and wide open all the time, and the other craggy, up and down, and jagged all the time.
Here is a photo I took from the East side. 
Here's a photo I took from the West side. http://www.flickr.com/photos/36368522@N00/
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It's raining things.
I do not wish to talk of what's going on in life, what I've been up to, or what I am going to do.
I just want to make lists. Well, now I am going to have to talk about what's going on to tell you why I want to make lists. On Thursday I will be leaving for my hometown to be in the wedding of one of my best friends. To me, her engagement was a surprise since she had started dating this young man right after she and her ex-boyfriend went their separate ways. I did not think it would last, but last it will. Seeing them together, my friend and her man, you know that they will make it. They are not the perfect couple without flaws and fights, they are just a couple who wants to continue on this journey together. That's something they knew early on and it's awesome.
So, I am heading to my hometown where I need to make sure I have a plethora of things: The dress, the shoes, the bra with its own boobs, an air mattress of my parents that I have had for too many months now, full-sized sheets for my brother that no longer fit on my new queen sized bed, the notes with my hair and make-up appointment times and addresses, the clothes for the rehearsal (in fact, I have no idea when the rehearsal even is!), clothes for regular days, and so on. And because I know myself, I invevitably forget something, usually pajamas or socks. Forgetting socks this time of year is forgivable and can be overcome with open footwear. Pajamas is a little more difficult especially since I am still sleeping on the couch since my mom is in my old room yet recovering from her back surgery.
So, I am going to make a list to clear my mind, to empty out a part of my brain that nudges me over and over to do something.
1. I want to be a neat-freak, but am too lazy to want to clean all the time.
2. I probably have more dirty clothes than most people have clean and dirty clothes all together.
3. I cut my arm on a carboard box.
4. I think my boyfriend reads this blog and doesn't tell me outright that he does. I don't mind that he reads it, but I'd like to know if he does.
5. I used to edit another blog for his reading consumption, but I gave him the link to this blog once.
6. I love raspberry lemonade.
7. I like ice in my beverages.
8. I prefer fountain pop to any other kind, especially from gas stations.
9. I need to get my car washed. I am afraid of car washes.
10. I know how to use ellipses.
11. My parents are the best.
12. I would like to thank my tia Changa for being a voice of reason at times and for making me want to let out my creativity in new ways.
13. My tongue hurts from being smooshed up against my teeth when I sleep.
14. I need to clean my keyboard.
15. I just mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors. This did not go according to plan. I tipped the bucket of water over in the kitchen. There is now water under the fridge, which is completely different than water under the bridge, though they do rhyme.
16. There's been a mattress in my living room for months now. I hate it.
17. I have had some of the same underwear for at least seven years.
18. I have had a few pairs of socks since 8th grade.
19. I once dated a Mexican boy from California on-line and over the phone. He stopped talking to me one day and stopped answering my calls. I hated him for a long time.
20. My dad thought he was in prison because of the photo that the Mexican boy sent me. It was merely Walmart, which may be just as bad.
21. I like full mouth, tongue in the other's mouths, passionate, try to eat each other kissing.
22. I enjoy kissing for hours at a time.
23. I think the water that comes out of my shower smells like skunk. This disturbs me while I shower and try to become clean.
24. I have a G-spot and The Boy knows how to use it.
25. I hate licorice of any flavor.
26. I've never had my make-up done professionally and I am scared of looking like a harlot.
27. I don't wear make-up so I am used to a naked face.
28. I've had my hair done once and it was an unpleasant experience. The girl was mean because I had very long hair and she didn't know how to do it. I did not request an updo, just requested that something be done.
29. My mom doesn't know how to do hair. I never haid braids as a child.
30. My mom offered to do my make-up for the wedding, however, she tends to do my make-up as she does her own: lots of eye stuff and lipstick.
31. I have eyelashes and my mother doesn't really have any, I have large eyes, and my mom's are small, so it looks weird on me. My lips are naturally a reddy color.
32. I miss living where I used to just because there was more shopping for Big Girls.
33. I am a Big Girl. I get tired of people telling me I don't look that big and that I should be able to fit into clothes from this store and that store and into this size and that size.
34. They are always wrong.
35. I haven't been going to the gym because of a problem I'd been having. I gagged througout the day for no reason, well no reason anyone could find. Breathing hard and straining my neck muscles made it worse. I miss feeling "the burn."
36. I prefer condoms to no condoms.
37. The Boy held a baby at my company event the other night and it was very cute. The baby liked him and was having a great time. All the girls who saw him probably would've jumped him right there. :o)
38. The Boy is charming and cute.
39. I use at least four to five tissues a day for my runny nose.
40. I have a genetic trait that makes our noses run after we eat, no matter what we eat. I also am on a medication whose side effect is a runny nose.
41. I still dislike Sloppy Joe's. I tried one yesterday and hate them.
42. I ate pizza and did not throw up.
43. I am going swimming with The Boy's mom this week.
44. I became a volunteer at the Humane Society yesterday.
45. I like puppies but not kitties.
46. I want to go back to school, but I am not sure for what. I am not sure if Library Science is really my dream or if I wouldn't like something else more.
47. I miss school.
48. I love learning.
49. I am going to find out why Sloppy Joe's are called such.
50. You are loved by me.
I just want to make lists. Well, now I am going to have to talk about what's going on to tell you why I want to make lists. On Thursday I will be leaving for my hometown to be in the wedding of one of my best friends. To me, her engagement was a surprise since she had started dating this young man right after she and her ex-boyfriend went their separate ways. I did not think it would last, but last it will. Seeing them together, my friend and her man, you know that they will make it. They are not the perfect couple without flaws and fights, they are just a couple who wants to continue on this journey together. That's something they knew early on and it's awesome.
So, I am heading to my hometown where I need to make sure I have a plethora of things: The dress, the shoes, the bra with its own boobs, an air mattress of my parents that I have had for too many months now, full-sized sheets for my brother that no longer fit on my new queen sized bed, the notes with my hair and make-up appointment times and addresses, the clothes for the rehearsal (in fact, I have no idea when the rehearsal even is!), clothes for regular days, and so on. And because I know myself, I invevitably forget something, usually pajamas or socks. Forgetting socks this time of year is forgivable and can be overcome with open footwear. Pajamas is a little more difficult especially since I am still sleeping on the couch since my mom is in my old room yet recovering from her back surgery.
So, I am going to make a list to clear my mind, to empty out a part of my brain that nudges me over and over to do something.
1. I want to be a neat-freak, but am too lazy to want to clean all the time.
2. I probably have more dirty clothes than most people have clean and dirty clothes all together.
3. I cut my arm on a carboard box.
4. I think my boyfriend reads this blog and doesn't tell me outright that he does. I don't mind that he reads it, but I'd like to know if he does.
5. I used to edit another blog for his reading consumption, but I gave him the link to this blog once.
6. I love raspberry lemonade.
7. I like ice in my beverages.
8. I prefer fountain pop to any other kind, especially from gas stations.
9. I need to get my car washed. I am afraid of car washes.
10. I know how to use ellipses.
11. My parents are the best.
12. I would like to thank my tia Changa for being a voice of reason at times and for making me want to let out my creativity in new ways.
13. My tongue hurts from being smooshed up against my teeth when I sleep.
14. I need to clean my keyboard.
15. I just mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors. This did not go according to plan. I tipped the bucket of water over in the kitchen. There is now water under the fridge, which is completely different than water under the bridge, though they do rhyme.
16. There's been a mattress in my living room for months now. I hate it.
17. I have had some of the same underwear for at least seven years.
18. I have had a few pairs of socks since 8th grade.
19. I once dated a Mexican boy from California on-line and over the phone. He stopped talking to me one day and stopped answering my calls. I hated him for a long time.
20. My dad thought he was in prison because of the photo that the Mexican boy sent me. It was merely Walmart, which may be just as bad.
21. I like full mouth, tongue in the other's mouths, passionate, try to eat each other kissing.
22. I enjoy kissing for hours at a time.
23. I think the water that comes out of my shower smells like skunk. This disturbs me while I shower and try to become clean.
24. I have a G-spot and The Boy knows how to use it.
25. I hate licorice of any flavor.
26. I've never had my make-up done professionally and I am scared of looking like a harlot.
27. I don't wear make-up so I am used to a naked face.
28. I've had my hair done once and it was an unpleasant experience. The girl was mean because I had very long hair and she didn't know how to do it. I did not request an updo, just requested that something be done.
29. My mom doesn't know how to do hair. I never haid braids as a child.
30. My mom offered to do my make-up for the wedding, however, she tends to do my make-up as she does her own: lots of eye stuff and lipstick.
31. I have eyelashes and my mother doesn't really have any, I have large eyes, and my mom's are small, so it looks weird on me. My lips are naturally a reddy color.
32. I miss living where I used to just because there was more shopping for Big Girls.
33. I am a Big Girl. I get tired of people telling me I don't look that big and that I should be able to fit into clothes from this store and that store and into this size and that size.
34. They are always wrong.
35. I haven't been going to the gym because of a problem I'd been having. I gagged througout the day for no reason, well no reason anyone could find. Breathing hard and straining my neck muscles made it worse. I miss feeling "the burn."
36. I prefer condoms to no condoms.
37. The Boy held a baby at my company event the other night and it was very cute. The baby liked him and was having a great time. All the girls who saw him probably would've jumped him right there. :o)
38. The Boy is charming and cute.
39. I use at least four to five tissues a day for my runny nose.
40. I have a genetic trait that makes our noses run after we eat, no matter what we eat. I also am on a medication whose side effect is a runny nose.
41. I still dislike Sloppy Joe's. I tried one yesterday and hate them.
42. I ate pizza and did not throw up.
43. I am going swimming with The Boy's mom this week.
44. I became a volunteer at the Humane Society yesterday.
45. I like puppies but not kitties.
46. I want to go back to school, but I am not sure for what. I am not sure if Library Science is really my dream or if I wouldn't like something else more.
47. I miss school.
48. I love learning.
49. I am going to find out why Sloppy Joe's are called such.
50. You are loved by me.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Three Strikes and You're Out
I was on the computer yesterday morning. I was looking for a fun website I'd been to the other day, but didn't remember what it was called. So, I popped open the history folder and began perusing. Because I don't watch tv, mostly because I don't have cable, I spend a lot of time on-line an visit different websites. My boyfriend also uses my computer and visits other websites, so the history was quite full.
I looked and looked for something that jarred my memory. However, something else jarred me. Someone had viewed personal ads on Craigslist, that someone was my boyfriend. He only looked at three of them and according to the color of the links, he replied to none. I confronted him that morning, I asked him why he was looking at personal ads. He said he'd been looking on Craigslist at all the usual stuff he looks at, motorcycles, trailers, free stuff. And then was bored and "decided to see what people wrote on them." I cried and he looked me in the eyes and said I'm all he wants, that he was just bored, that it was nothing.
I still cried. Finally, I stopped crying and told him to make me pancakes. He did and I ate them. Then, I showered. As the hot water hit my skin, my pores opened as did my mind and thoughts came into my head. I need time to think after things happen, after the initial confrontation, and I find the shower the perfect place to do it. I got dressed in the bathroom and came out with a new anger than before.
I asked why he wanted to know what they wrote on their ads. I told him that if he looks at this stuff at my house, how do I know what he finds at work on the internet, I told him that I do not want to get hurt or be taken adventage of again. I've had someone take my generosity for granted and I will not let it happen again. I do not want to look stupid down the road if I were to find out something had ever happened.
He responded with the same explanation as before, that he was bored and just wanted to look. He said why would he look in the nearest "Big City" for a girl if he were going to cheat, why wouldn't he just go out to the bar and find some girl to fuck. I bawled.
And then I let go. Being angry with him won't solve anything. He can't take back what he did. He can't undo it. But I made a decision. He has one more chance to screw up royally, and then he's gone. It's like the law, three chanes and you go away for good. Same for him, three strikes and he goes away for good.
I am not sure we should be together anyway sometimes. We do not want the same kind of life. I do not want children. I don't like their cries, their whines, the wiggling, the giggling, the constant chatter. I do not want them and he does. I want to travel, I want to be active with bike riding, walks, frisbee, golf, and bowling none of which he can do. We have different ideas on the future and I don't know if they mesh.
So, I'm just waiting to see what happens.
I looked and looked for something that jarred my memory. However, something else jarred me. Someone had viewed personal ads on Craigslist, that someone was my boyfriend. He only looked at three of them and according to the color of the links, he replied to none. I confronted him that morning, I asked him why he was looking at personal ads. He said he'd been looking on Craigslist at all the usual stuff he looks at, motorcycles, trailers, free stuff. And then was bored and "decided to see what people wrote on them." I cried and he looked me in the eyes and said I'm all he wants, that he was just bored, that it was nothing.
I still cried. Finally, I stopped crying and told him to make me pancakes. He did and I ate them. Then, I showered. As the hot water hit my skin, my pores opened as did my mind and thoughts came into my head. I need time to think after things happen, after the initial confrontation, and I find the shower the perfect place to do it. I got dressed in the bathroom and came out with a new anger than before.
I asked why he wanted to know what they wrote on their ads. I told him that if he looks at this stuff at my house, how do I know what he finds at work on the internet, I told him that I do not want to get hurt or be taken adventage of again. I've had someone take my generosity for granted and I will not let it happen again. I do not want to look stupid down the road if I were to find out something had ever happened.
He responded with the same explanation as before, that he was bored and just wanted to look. He said why would he look in the nearest "Big City" for a girl if he were going to cheat, why wouldn't he just go out to the bar and find some girl to fuck. I bawled.
And then I let go. Being angry with him won't solve anything. He can't take back what he did. He can't undo it. But I made a decision. He has one more chance to screw up royally, and then he's gone. It's like the law, three chanes and you go away for good. Same for him, three strikes and he goes away for good.
I am not sure we should be together anyway sometimes. We do not want the same kind of life. I do not want children. I don't like their cries, their whines, the wiggling, the giggling, the constant chatter. I do not want them and he does. I want to travel, I want to be active with bike riding, walks, frisbee, golf, and bowling none of which he can do. We have different ideas on the future and I don't know if they mesh.
So, I'm just waiting to see what happens.
Monday, July 16, 2007
It's only me
I am a solitary creature. I generally do not seek the company of others and wait for them to come to me. I spend the majority of my time in my own little world; at work my headphone drown out the other works in the next cubicles over, at home, I day dream and think in my head where no one else may roam.
And yet, when I picture my life in the future or when I think of what I really want in life, those ideals do not conicide with what I do. I want to have the house where people just drop in for no reason at all and where my rooms are always clean, albeit cluttered, with that lived in look. I want to always have the appropriate snacks on hand and be a joyful hostess to my newly arrived guests. I want to have a spare room for those guests who wish to stay the night or a fortnight. But I do not have this nor do I believe I will, for it goes against my very nature.
It seems that all I want goes against my very nature, which is in fact nature that goes against me. I listened to a book on cd about two young ladies around my age, perhaps a couple of years older, who took off an adventure in Peru. They went to complete humanitarian works, and this has always been my dream.
I was an Americorps VISTA, which is like the Peace Corps, but one serves in the United States rather than abroad. However, I never even left the town I was living in to complete my year of service. And then there is my body itself, which does not produce enough chemicals on its own in so many areas, seratonin, insulin, estrogen, etc. Some days, I can eat very bland food and wind up sick, so I see my dream of being overseas and helping the world, as a farce, a lie I tell myself.
Perhaps, one day I can fill my house with all the friends I will make in the Peace Corps, then as we all laugh sitting around the table playing board games, I will wake up and find myself alone, wanting to escape who I am.
And yet, when I picture my life in the future or when I think of what I really want in life, those ideals do not conicide with what I do. I want to have the house where people just drop in for no reason at all and where my rooms are always clean, albeit cluttered, with that lived in look. I want to always have the appropriate snacks on hand and be a joyful hostess to my newly arrived guests. I want to have a spare room for those guests who wish to stay the night or a fortnight. But I do not have this nor do I believe I will, for it goes against my very nature.
It seems that all I want goes against my very nature, which is in fact nature that goes against me. I listened to a book on cd about two young ladies around my age, perhaps a couple of years older, who took off an adventure in Peru. They went to complete humanitarian works, and this has always been my dream.
I was an Americorps VISTA, which is like the Peace Corps, but one serves in the United States rather than abroad. However, I never even left the town I was living in to complete my year of service. And then there is my body itself, which does not produce enough chemicals on its own in so many areas, seratonin, insulin, estrogen, etc. Some days, I can eat very bland food and wind up sick, so I see my dream of being overseas and helping the world, as a farce, a lie I tell myself.
Perhaps, one day I can fill my house with all the friends I will make in the Peace Corps, then as we all laugh sitting around the table playing board games, I will wake up and find myself alone, wanting to escape who I am.
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