Waggle Wiggle

I heard knocking while I was in my office on the computer, but ignored it thinking the sound was coming from my neighbors upstairs. I went out to the kitchen to retrieve the new ink cartridges I purchased for my printer (which are way too expensive). I began pulling them out of the boxes and inserting them into the printer when I heard the knocking again, this time is was too distinct to think it came from anywhere but outside my office window. I opened the blinds and first only saw a reflection of myself, a red long-sleeved shirt, a white peasant blouse over the top, and jeans. Then, I saw out the window and there is was- a white wigging weiner. A man was exposing himself to me and using his forefinger and thumb to waggle his penis. I threw the curtains shut, ran into the kitchen, picked up the phone, grabbed the phone book, and then paused while I look for the number to the police.

I called the cops, spoke to the dispatcher about what had happened, then the Officer called me to say he was on his way, and when he looked around the building, he came into my apartment and asked me some questions.

I am scared now. I felt threatened by that jiggling flaccid flesh. I was shaking as I dialed the police. I didn't want to step back into my office for a while and now I am afraid of when I return at night after work if he'll be waiting for me, to commit some sort of other sexual crime. My parents said they want me to get some pepper spray, a big flashlight, and to be careful. I want to get a taser. :) I am also going to call my apartment managers and let them know what happened, see if anyone else has reported such an incident, and maybe knock on some other apartment doors to let them know what happened.

How is it done?

In a past entry, my friend VV posted a comment wonder where my convictions stem from and how I can be so steadfast in them. Also, VV wondered about how to be less judgemental.

Both answers to both questions/comments are the same answer. Because I've seen what it can do. I falter in many areas in my life, however, there are a few points that I can stick to and I am not sure I deserve kudos for them all. I don't smoke, merely because I can't. I would flop over and die considering I can barely breathe in a smokey room anyway. I don't drink much, because well I don't see a point to that. I can round up that lack of inhibitions, goofy, laugh at everything feeling all on my own, without the calories, without the carbohydrates, and without wondering what I did the previous night. I don't have sex all over the place because I don't want kids, don't want an STD, and well up until a couple of years ago, I'd never had the option. It was only two years ago that I received my first kiss so I am not as experienced as most people my age. Plus, I'm picky about who touches me in even a casual sense so in an intimate setting, you'd better be worth it. I don't use drugs because I've seen what that they do to a person, a family, a life, and the future.

I care for the environment because I live in it and people are going to have to live in for the next however many years we are on the planet. Nor do I see a reason innocent animals should have to suffer even more for our lack of care of our home. Yes, Earth is our home and we pollute it, we dirty and sully it, and don't care because, well, maybe we think no one is coming over anytime soon.

And I do not judge because I have been judged. I have been followed around stores when I had my punk/skate rat phase of dressing because the clerks thought I was a theif, I've been deemed a lesbian, a bitch, an airhead, a bad person for my beliefs, a failure, people have chosen not to talk to me because of what is on the outside of me, men pass me over because of my appearance. etc. And I am not about to do the same to others. Sometimes, those in the scariest packages are the nicest people and wear the dark costumes so they can protect themselves, thus those who are willing to get to know them won't judge them for their hair, their clothes, their piercings. I know people who can appear stupid at first glance, but when you get to know them and their talents, you retract that thought, so why have it in the first place unless they have proven it to you time and again. Also, I am willing to forgive because I make mistakes. And this is not to say that I don't make snap judgements. I do, I just had to learn how to not let those judgements get in the way of knowing the real person.

I am Girl of Approval and if someone wants to look me over, pass me by, think I'm something I'm not, think they can't spend time with me because I am something or am not something, then they miss out on ME and I know that if I do the same thing to someone else, I'll miss out on HIM/HER. And I don't want to do that.

Itching in my soul

I want to cut my hair. I want to tattoo my skin blue. I feel this urge inside to do something different. I don't know what it is, but it has been nagging at me for weeks now. I want to do something interesting, something different, something out of the ordinary and out of character, and I can't think of that THING. It eats at me. I don't know how to satifsfy that urge, that need. I don't think cutting my hair will solve things and will just irritate me. I really don't want to be a Smurf, though they had Communism/Socialism down pat, I don't think I'd get to meet Papa Smurf. Even though, I'd want to date him if I could. He's got that sexy old man thing working for him.

Sigh, sigh, and sigh again. What is this feeling? Do others have it? Yet, I can't make myself get up from this chair, leave this apartment to seek out this THING. Partly, because I am not sure if that thing is found outside of here or inside of me. I want to create, I want to destroy, I want to be art. What do others do when they have this feeling? That you want to crawl out of your skin and bones, and be liquid. That you want to slither along the floor and see the world from a new place, a new form, without walls and boundaries.

Maybe I need to run. Maybe ride. Maybe... really think hard?

Is there calamine lotion for the mind?

More of the same

Here is a continuation of the previous list. Again, nothing is in any particular order. Also, if something doesn't appear on this list, that does not mean I do not love something.

68. Driving
69. Realizing that you don't have to try so hard to fit in
70. Being beautifully flawed
71. Yellow flannel dust cloths
72. Do-It-Yourself Projects that you finish and turn out well
73. A clean apartment
74. Doing my eyebrows so they turn out just right
75. Crazy straws/straws in general
76. Being helpful
77. Bubble baths
78. Trees
79. Pens with fun colored ink
80. 1GB memory cards for my camera
81. Learning
82. Clean laundry
83. Comfortable beds
84. Feeling Alive
85. Sunsets
86. Thick socks
87. People who hold open the door for you
88. People who know when to say please, thank you, and excuse me/pardon me
89. Women and men who don't use the term "slut," "whore," "skank", etc just because a woman likes to have sex or be affectionate
90. Feeling comfortable in my own skin
91. The First Amendment
92. A nice breeze
93. Bridges
94. Being a kid sometimes
95. Respect
96. Having a sanctuary
97. Adoption
98. Pride, self-assurance, and confidence; a triumverate that should not be separated
99. Magazines that have nothing to do with celebrities
100. You, for being here reading this, for being on my journey with me

What's to love

I have a list on www.43things.com. If you search by the name unlearnedsoul, my list will appear.

However, there is something I don't want to add to my list, but that I would like to do here instead. Many other people have a list of 100 things they love and I've decided to start this here. I hope that I will be able to identify some things that will allow me to complete my other goals more quickly and I can keep track of what is really important to me without getting sidetracked by silly and stupid people, things, and ideas.

Here goes and this list is not in any particular order.

The things I love

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Potential
4. Love in all its forms
5. Typwriters
6. The feeling of the sun shine on your face
7. Soft blankets
8. Big sweatshirts
9. Hope
10. Tomorrow
11. Food
12. Sleep
13. Affection
14. Freshly cleaned teeth after the dentist
15. Doing something new and surviving
16. Uplifting movies
17. Furniture
18. Ambition
19. Emotional strength
20. Finding out you are made of more than you thought
21. Ice Cream
22. Swimming
23. The smell of sunscreen
24. Hugs
25. Holding hands
26. Honesty
27. Nightlights
28. Dogs
29. Diet Coke
30. Someone stroking my back
31. Sleeping with your arms wrapped around him and his arms wrapped around you
32. Trying new foods
33. Bargain shopping
34. Books of any kind
35. Sing-along music/slow dance music
36. The smell of the air before it rains
37. The sound of thunder
38. Stuffed animals
39. Word games
40. That moment when a group of people starts laughing really loudly and all at the same time
41. Feeling connected
42. Sitting next to someone with your legs touching, even next to a stranger
43. Burping and farting in front of someone who couldn't care less and doesn't think less of you for it
44. Water
45. Talking to my mom on the phone
46. Writing
47. The feeling after a hot, extra-clean shower
48. Working your muscles and getting dirty at the same time, and seeing some results
49. Crystal Light
50. Silver jewelry
51. Feeling beautiful
52. Peeing with the door open
53. Swimsuits with skirts
54. The new lotion that prevents "thigh burn" when fat girls are wearing skirts or shorts
55. Men who loves BBW's
56. Talking to my dad about everything that he knows and making him laugh
57. Seeing my brother smile
58. Knowing I am capable
59. Giving back
60. Politeness
61. Passion
62. Learning not to compare yourself to others
63. Eating healthy when I actually force myself to do it
64. Postsecret
65. Lotion
66. Doc Martin shoes
67. Low rise pants since I am ever so short waisted, they fit normally!


... to be continued...

Words on speakers eat at me

I have been sick for the past three days. Today I am going to attempt going to work because I am feeling better and because I do not want to take any more days off and do anything to chance my trip out East.

During these two days, I have become bored. Usually, I am not bored and do not understand this concept, which is quite a change from my childhood. I was bored every moment and nothing seemed to satisfty that empty, aching feeling I had. Nothing could relieve the feeling of wanting to take my skin off, fling it around the room, and be free from the bounds of life. So, after watching movies, reading books, playing on the computer, and lying about for three days I found out that I do desire more activity in life. I desire more human contact than just words on a screen or the sound of a voice on the phone. This concept does not apply to old, dear friends. I will gladly take their voices through speakers and their words typewritten than no contact at all.

However, due to the dating site I joined weeks ago, I began a conversation with a young man in Florida. He is intelligent, attractive, and ambitious. But I am appalled by things he has said to me. Now, I love Andrew and I always will. Yet, right now I am not in love with him. I feel for him the way one does a child: protective, proud, happy. No one will dare to speak ill of him, other than myself because I can :), or they will face my anger. This Florida boy asked about past relationships and I related bits of my Andrew story. FL then said that he could not date or marry a woman in a wheelchair, part of it had to do with sex and part of it had to do with the girl not being whole. This is horrible and an unacceptable attitude.

My Andrew is a full man and because his legs do not work does not make his half a person. He has done more with his life than most people who can walk, has experienced more things and has a better view on life than his walking counterparts. This Florida boy lost my respect. Andrew's wheelchair wasn't something I ever saw as this "piece" that was in the way. His wheelchair is a part of him just as those shoes are a part of some other friends or the way they style their hair or the jewelry they always wear. You notice it's there, but that's it, because it's always been there.

Andrew can't walk, not Andrew can't live. Andrew enjoys sensation in terms of sex and to label him or anyone else who is in a wheelchair as unable to do so is unfair. I do not use the term "confined." For, he is not confined. Andrew gets out of his chair each and every day. At the movies, he sits in the theater seat, he lays in a bed, he sits on chairs, etc. He just has to move from one place to the other with the strength of his arms, not legs, abs, and back muscles.

The other thing that Florida told me was how many he'd been with on a sexual level. Now, I am technically a virgin, so maybe my view of things is a bit skewed. I prefer that men have no more than ten sexual partners. I think beyond that you were not in a relationship setting, but were just screwing because it's fun. I believe that is wrong. If you are in a committed, loving, caring relationship I see nothing wrong with connecting on a sexual plain. But if you are just seeking fuck buddies and one night stands, that's gross in my view. Florida is gross in his number. He is beyond the ten, I prefer and sees nothing wrong with his past behavior. I understand people make mistakes, go through phases, and I readily forgive indiscretions, but one must believe that what they did was wrong. Also, Florida calls himself a Christian and he is not living up to his Christian values. Religion can be a fine thing, but not when hypocritical people use it and speak of it.

If one looked in terms of standards of living, I am more Christian than most. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I have not had premarital sex, I promote peace and not war, I care for the environment, have never used drugs, etc. I am atheist. I do and do not do things based upon my own creed, not someone else's.

To the boy who won't date a wheelchair, fine. But how about a girl in a wheelchair. They are two different things and I hope you learn that very soon, especially since you desire to have a career in the medical field. To the boy who has random sexual encounters, I hope you never find yourself in trouble because of that, due to pregnancy, and STD, or your own hurt emotions. And to the boy who declares himself a Christian, I hope you find a real sense of Christianity or at least drop the pretense.

MENtal suits

I was reading Artemis's sister's blog and one of the comments indicated a website called www.dooce.com. The entry mentioned was one on dealbreakers in a relationship, things that you find in, on, or around a man that would mean the end of the date or relationship for you. I read many of the comments and now feel the need to write an entry of mine own. Know this though, I once created a list of what a man had to be or not be in order to be acceptable for me to date him. The list has changed over the years and I suspect will change quite a bit more as I grow as a person and a woman. That's right. I am a woman. I enjoy being called "girl" but in reality I am a woman. So, it's time I admit it. :)

1. My previous list mentioned that men cannot like sports. This has been ammended and a man can like sports, I just prefer that he not be a fanatic about it. Say, it's Sunday and there's a game on, but there's also a family event, I want the man to think nothing of missing the game.

2. Aforementioned list included that a man cannot be religious. I find this unnecessary. As long as he belongs to a religion or spirituality that does not push its beliefs on other people and he is okay with my atheism and does not expect me to attend any meetings or services with him beyond weddings and funerals, it is okay.

3. He must be as tall or taller than I am. I tried the shorter thing and I didn't care for it.

4. I prefer that he be built like a linebacker: strong with muscles but covered in a layer of pudge.

5. I prefer dark hair and I like facial hair. I am not turned off by body hair, even back hair is fine. I'm a hairy girl and there's no reason for me to exclude some man for the very same issue that I have. I try my best to work with it though. I do my eyebrows, bleach things, pluck things, and hope for the best.

6. No Replicans, no pro-lifers, no anti-adoption men, no racists, no sexists, no homophobics.

7. I don't mind tattoos, piercings, weird hair, etc.

8. No men without jobs unless they are wealthy and don't have to work.

9. This is huge, no men who can't drive! I hate that.

10. Guys who don't introduce you to their friends and family are out, out, out.

11. No men who are mean to wait staff, animals, the environment (ie don't and won't recycle, litter, etc) .

12. No men who are dead-set on children. I have not made up my mind and don't want to be stuck with someone who insists on rugrats. However, I would insist on adoption if children are later desired.

That's the list for now. I realize that I should not and do not have to settle for someone who is less than great for me and with me. I watched Phat Girls with Mo'Nique today and I feel some of the very same issues her character Jazmin goes through. You're constantly looking for the guy to find someone better, someone THINNER, and leave you in the dust. And it's time to stop thinking that way. Men are accessories to life. They can jazz it up, but they aren't the whole outfit. You are the whole ensemble and you choose how to dress it.

So, ladies... choose well and wise. Make sure that your man is a worthy accessory. Don't let him detract from what you already have going on by yourself.

What are you doing?

It's the wee hours of the morning and you know what that means? A trip to Wal-Mart, even though I hate Wal-Mart- it's open, some hair dye, 25 minutes, and I'm a raging red head. I like it. It's fun and it's sassy. Today, I received my locks of love thank you card. I almost cried. I felt so special for being able to help. I can't wait to do it again! :) Grow hair, grow! Also, I purchased a small barrel curling iron so I can mess around with that too. I'll become a girl yet someday! ;)

The hole in my arm appears to be growing shut as did the hole that had been in my heart where Andrew used to be. After we had that long talk the other night, I just feel okay and free. I am fine without him and even if I could get back together with him, I wouldn't want to. We don't work and he only holds me back. He needs someone who is more grounded. I mean, I don't want to stick around here forever. I have some living to do and some of it should occur outside of North Dakota. Though, I did perhaps back pedal the other day. I asked Andrew if he'd mind having a purely physical relationship. I'm all for that. He is taking some time to think about it. But if I know him, the answer is no. And that's okay. At least I asked for what I truly wanted and didn't shy away from it.

That was my favorite part of our relationship anyway, the physical affection, and that's not a good basis for a healthy relationship. I think we made it work for a lot longer than either of us thought we would.

I advised my parents that I would be driving myself to the airport for my upcoming trip to New York. Because I would not allow them to drive eight hours there, then eight hours home again, then eight hours there, and then eight hours back home again, they want to drive me to South Dakota in October when I visit some friends. They said, "So you can get some sleep." I appreciate the offer, but I am confused. Do they enjoy spending time with me that much? Must they feel needed by me and if they aren't feeling needed enough, they will find their own ways to gain that feeling? Or do they mistrust me and my abilities to conquer certain feats? I wonder if I should ask them what's up or just accept this offer of a ride... besides, then I don't have to pay gas money, hotel money, etc. :)

I'll have to ponder.

It's morning and I'm sleeping

I received a call this morning. The number on the caller ID has the same prefix as Andrew's number. In my sleepy state, I thought maybe he had changed numbers and was calling me. However, the news was much better than it being Andrew on the other line. I received the results of the biopsy and they were negative. I do not have cancer or any other anomalies. Yea!!!!

That is a great wake-up call. I also have today off, so I plan to bum around all day and do nothing. Though, I really do need to clean my apartment. It's gross. I need to run the vacuum around the apartment. Some how I wound up with Kix cereal all over my bedroom floor. I don't want to know what I do when I am home alone. Wait... I am always home alone. I know, I eat dry cereal in bed. :)

I guess this is going to be a short entry. Just had to make note of the no cancer excitement! :)

Steps on down and steps on up

I am missing a part of myself. The part I am missing is not spiritual or to be seen as a metaphor. I am literally missing a piece of myself; it's in a lab. A piece of my flesh, darker than the rest, and atypical of me. So, now that I have a divot in my arm, I am waiting for the test results to return. I have a week to wait while the lab techs looks for melonoma or cancer cells . I'm a little nervous and my arm hurts a little bit.

I ordered my ticket for my trip in November. I am so nervous. I hope this works out. I've never been on a vacation without my parents. Though, they did want to drive eight hours just to take me to the airport and pick me up from the airport. I guess they aren't sure I can trust others to get me there? That or they aren't ready to let go. I think it's more the latter.

I also want to take a trip to visit some friends in South Dakota. I haven't seen them in a long time and they are going to be dedicating a library on the campus that one of them works at. I mean, a library!!! :) How great does it get? It gets even greater! Bill Clinton is supposed to be there. Ah hell, I'm in a love with this trip idea already. :)

I also want to head out to Minneapolis for a weekend or two before winter decides to sit on us and not let us breathe. I haven't done that yet and I am not sure why. I guess it seemed like such a big deal to me before. Now, it's just three-fours hours of driving time and gas money that I need to have, not the courage to take on the world and tackle seven phobias in one ride.

I want to get back in politics. Maybe I'll never be super involved and be at the hub of things, but I would like to feel as if I am making a contribution to something I believe in. So, I am going to email my local Democrats and tell them I can help.

Phone unsex

Had a 2 1/2 hour conversation with Andrew on the phone. It was enlightning and disheartning at the same time. I finally got the answers I've been needing. But I also finally got him to say that he can't be with me right now and doesn't know when he can. He understands why I can't be friends. It's for the very same reasons he can't date me again. It's an awful scenario.

I love him. He loves me. And we are destined not to be.

I miss him greatly. I try to fill his space with other men and it doesn't work. I try to fill my thoughts with other things and it doesn't work. He still has my everything.

We finally agreed that he and I could not be any more opposite if we tried, surface opposites and mental/emotional opposites. White and Black, Female and Male, Able Bodied and Disabeled, Young and Old, Space Cadet and Observational, Reading and Cars, Inexperienced/Naive and Experienced, the list goes on and on. How we even became friends in the first place amazes me.

I love him now as I did when we were in the fabulous honeymood period of our relationship. However, moving on is still going on. I never stopped moving on from him, from our relationship.

I went over some of the schools I chose with my parents this weekend. I am still waiting for more information from there. I am planning a couple more trips for this fall/winter. I am trying to get into a class at work. I am working on a number of projects. Life moves on, just without Andrew and I being Andrew and I.

Here comes the bride

Well, I kind of missed that part of the ceremony. Okay, I missed all of the ceremony but five minutes. I did not leave town on time and was a half-hour late getting into town. Apparently, I also believe that when one arrives into my hometown that the rules of North and South no longer apply. I went to the North part of town when I should have went South, and there were so many cars on the South Side that getting to the church took ten or fifteen more minutes than it usually would have. But I arrived to see the couple announced as husband and wife, which was nice.

They make a lovely couple and I hope they have many years of happiness. I must admit that when I attend weddings I am cynical. I always wonder how long the marriage will last before they get divorced. I do not want them to split but wish them a long, happy marriage. My point of view is tainted with statistics, celebrity marriage failings, and a negativity that continues to trail with me from adolescence.

I shook my hips, waved my arms, wiggled my booty, and sweated bountiful amounts. I had fun and I even found the courage to ask some guy I've never met to dance. I was turned down, but that does not take away from the progress of me asking someone else to dance. He was incredibly shy also. I heard stories from the bride.

Also, I enjoyed my outfit. I usually tolerate dressing up, but the outfit I had on was more comfortable than pajamas.

Another note, I miss Andrew. :P

I stepped in a pile of yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day.

I went to work and did my job. Towards the end of my shift I was called into the office and asked about how I trained someone on a certain duty. A complaint or maybe even more of a comment had been received about how I had done the job of training and I defended myself explaining what I had one. I don't know if I was believed, but the matter was dropped. The interesting thing about this commenplaint is that the trainee was not the one to speak up, another unnamed third party was. I am confused by this and irritated. I am still upset by this and am confused as to why I am even training anyone. I haven't even been at this job six months and I am training. This job has no guidelines for training, none. It's horrible and the employees are treated like disposable gloves. Used once, tossed into the garbage, and never seen again.

Then, I called Andrew last night. That was my own doing, but I missed him. I love him still. He said that he still has the same feelings for me and that he probably always will, and that I may also. He said that time may lessen those feelings, but there are no guarantees. Damnit, I can't deal with feeling this way about this man. I know I should not adore him, but I do. I hear his voice and I am in love all over again. He is kind and caring. He asked me before I went back to my hometown if I still had my cell phone, the actual phone, because he wanted me to charge it up and know that I can still dial 911 with it. He said he didn't want anything to happen to me and that I should be safe.

Then, I had been chatting with this man I met on the dating site I joined for the past week. It was nothing serious, just two lonely people who were enjoying each other's "company." We knew that there was no potential, but enjoyed talking to each other on-line. However, we were both in a bad mood and misinterpreted our words. He ended up just leaving the conversation.

All this made me cry. I felt unloved. I felt awful. I felt incapable. I felt that I wanted to get out of this town and move on. But yet I felt I wanted to move beyond this realm and onto the next, whatever it may be. But I hung on, read a book through my tears when the crying subsided into just waterworks and not heaving sobs. I ate some cereal, talked to a friend and we both commiserated at our poor relations with the opposite sex.

Then, I put on a ring. It's a ring I've had for years. But I assigned new meaning to it. It's a reminder to me; I am not ready to date. I am not over that Andrew man. I am still raw and sore from his love. I have a major goal that I wish to obtain and I want no one, not even myself standing in the way. I want more education and the kind that comes with books and classrooms, not life's lessons. Those come without planning.

Plus, I am going on a trip in November and I have never been on a trip like this one. Vacations have always been spent with my parents and it's time I get to venture out into the world alone for part of it and with a great friend for the rest.

So, I stepped in a pile of yesterday but I am not bringing yesterday to today. Today, I am a free, single woman with goals and ambitions. Today, I am loving myself and not some man who doesn't deserve what I have.

P.S. I heard some information about Dr. Nordic God. He had a heart attack and then some kind of heart surgery. He is officially back to work this week. Now that I know this information, I don't care. He was nothing but a distraction from Andrew. Now, I am to be my own distraction.

Syrup smoke and simple smiles

It felt illegal. Maybe it should be? I brought my ID, but it wasn't necessary. Seems funny. I am carded for movies, but not buying cigarrettes. Before you wonder, why is she buying those?! I'll explain. I have a friend; he is my one friend who smokes. He was having a bad day, broke, and needed to smoke. I had money, a car, and I am over 18. So, I purchased the cancer sticks for him. Though, I told him I disapproved, but he would have found them one way or another.

I brought them to him. He instantly lit up. His muscles released the tight hold they had on his shoulders and his eyes went from angry lizard slits to open, friendly almonds. It was interesting to watch the transformation. He smoked three in a row and then inhaled the night air, to clear his lungs of the horrid smoke and to release the leftover tension into the sky. There is more than enough room in the sky.

I joined a dating site for Big, Beautiful Women because I am big, and I know I should think I'm beautiful, and I am a woman. So, put three and three together and I joined. I am not sure why I did it. I'm not looking for anything. I have so many other things going on in life that a man can only be a distraction. I'm not even over Andrew. Beautiful, sexy, Andrew. I think of him and know I should think poorly of him, at least in some ways. But I never seem to get there. I see his smile in my mind and I swoon again. I feel his hands on my back and I am melting into his flesh. His cocoa skin is turning my pale skin into an iced latte right now. Those memories are cold.

I am going on a trip in November. :) I am so excited. And this weekend, I am going to my hometown to watch an old friend marry, marry a kind of man she always said she didn't want. Funny how that happens.

Packing up the relationship

In a box, the symbol of love in red and gold. In my mind, all I see is a heart I couldn't hold. In a bag is sexy in a box, in a bottle, and a bit of lace and again, I see a heart I couldn't hold. In the closet, far away, a monkey who kept watch over the owner of the heart I couldn't hold. Its fur still smelling of his skin.

I packed all this in the grocery sack he packed my things in. I gathered my courage and my strength, and said I can't have this anymore. It just reminds me of him and I need to move on from him. I went to his place. My stomach lurched before I even entered the elevator. My own up and down movement without the ride. The door was ajar at his place, I knocked, heard nothing, and entered. He was not there, the apartment empty of life, but not of things. Stilly filled with so many things. A man who thinks he can buy happiness, but finds that with each purchase all he did was bring home another burden. He enters the apartment with laundry soap and a denim shirt in his lap.

I come out from the bedroom at the sound of his voice, my own chipper as I say hello back. Andrew looks wonderful. I've always found him so attractive and handsome. I tell him why I came. To give back the things he gave me, all accept two items I chose to keep. His shoulders hunch, his face drops, and he is sad. I pick up the bag handles and announce I'll take it back home. He says that he wouldn't have given it to me if he didn't want me to have it. I replied that it's just to hard to have around, that it reminds me of him. He brings up how I said we can't be friends, that I was the one who said we can't be friends. I ask him what that has to do with giving back his things. He said nothing, just that I said that. I told him I stand by what I said, that I can't be his friend because it's too hard. We stand there longer, he put his arm out, reaching to hug me. I go to him, he embraces me.

I want to tell him he smells good, his cologne wafting up as we touch. We let go and I cry. I turn away from his to compose myself and to wipe the tears away. My hands smell of his cologne. He puts his hand on my arm, a comforting gesture. He looks at me, I look at him and time passes.

We kiss. Deep and long. His hand holds the back of my head against his lips. We kiss. Finally, we extract ourselves and become two again. I leave, my lip raw from rubbing against his mustache. As soon as I see him, my body responds. I went home with a bag of his stuff in my car.