Hodge Podge

At work, I have become a chairwoman. I merely accepted the position because I didn't think anyone else wanted it. I am greatly mistaken. I may have a coup on my hands. She wants to be in charge, she wants to make the decisions, and she wants to make a difference. I understand her enthusiasm, but at the same time she is alienating her fellow committee members. She's deciding before there's even been a chance to discuss. I would gladly step down from the chair position to just a regular post on the committee, but I fear her.

In other news, I need to have a doctor look at some suspicious moles. They look like thieves. ;) Get it, suspicious? Not funny, I know. But seriously, they are looking on the abnormal side. Recently, I was talking to Andrew about the waiter at Denny's named Lincoln. I failed to mention in this conversation about my great love for Lincoln, but that's not something I have to tell my boyfriend. Andrew asked me if Lincoln was his last name or his first name. It is his first name and then he asked what his last name is. I said I have no idea. Andrew suggested that it is perhaps, Logs? Lincoln Logs. Sick man. :)

I went to Bismarck this weekend to see my parents. It was a good time. My grandparents were there along with one of my uncles. We chilled at the house for the most part and had a good dinner. :) I saw two movies while I was home and both of them were good; X-Men 3 and Ice Age 2. I guess it was a sequel weekend.

Well, I must get ready for work. I am running today, which means I wander around the hospital for eight hours. Walk, walk, walk. Oh, but it's good for me. At my last job I gained 30 pounds in eight months.

What are you doing?

I ponder nearly every second of the day and night as to why my life is not exciting. I think of the people I work with and wonder why I am so dull compared to them. They go out nearly every night, party, have a good time, and tonight it hit me. Their lives aren't exciting or any more exiciting that my own. I may do puzzles or laundry on Friday nights, but that does not make the lives of my co-workers who drink to oblivion each night a good time. Their lives consist of the very same boring patterns that mine does; we have different patterns.

These people do nothing extraordinary nor will they ever and sadly, nor do they want to do so. I dream of big ideas. I want more to life than getting up, going to work, and going through the motions. I demand more from life and while winter makes me sleep, summer is a time to awaken and get moving.

In the spirit of living life to a full potential, I am going to jot down some things I want to do.

This is a revision of "The List of Things I Want to Do In Life." Well, it's not so much of a revision as a new list, with a few repeats from the previous list because I never accomplished them.

These goals are in no particular order, but they are numbered because I adore numbered lists.

1. White water rafting
2. Run a marathon
3. Be in a community play
4. Publish something I've written-and not a vanity publishing
5. Design glasses frames
6. Learn to use my sewing machine
7. Become more crafty-knitting, sewing, crocheting, anything requiring a hot glue gun
8. Learn Learn Learn
9. Become an excellent cook
10. Have a dog of my own
11. Visit Europe
12. Travel by train
13. Become more active in the political realm
14. Drive across the country
15. Listen more, talk less

Goals shall be amended, added, and deleted as deemed necessary by management.

Confessional Booth

Sometimes, I lie to myself. I tell myself that I do not have a dream. But this is not true. I have a dream, but because I am ever so far from reaching that dream, I tell myself and others that I do not have one. When I am required to think of what my life's dream is, the same answer always pops into my head: I want to be an author.

This revelation comes with many problems. First of all, I do not write. I used to write, but most of those words penned before are dark, solemn, and poorly written. Those works are not cohesive. Yet, this does not motivate me to write new pieces. Newness daunts me. When I think about being a writer, I become afraid that I do not have any stories or ideas to write about. I often feel nothing in my life is worth being put down on paper or electronic paper so to speak. Writing with an actual pen(cil) and piece of paper can be inspiring; mostly it is irritating. There's no backspace button with paper. Sure, there's an eraser, but then there is eraser dust or even crumbs depending on how big the error. There are smudges, worn spots in the paper when the right word just never appears.

So, I don't write nor do I have anything to write about. Next issue... perhaps I don't have a talent for writing and if I do have a talent or strong suit for it, is it anything beyond what millions of people can do? I confess that I do not believe I have anything extraordinary. I think my desire to become a librarian was fueled by this dream. If I couldn't write the books, perhaps if I surround myself with them I would feel more fulfilled. Sadly, I've not become a libarian either. I've become a "Central Supply Tech" in the "Materials Management" department of the hospital. Definitely, a dream come true.

I know as a girl, I yearned for green scrubs, bouffants, and matronly white shoes. If I had only known sooner that I could find all this and more in the CSPD at the hospital. I would have taken field trips there as a child and asked to sleepover! :P

Now, you know my dream. You know what I don't pursue my dream. But you also know why I lie. When I grow up, I want to be a...

I have an aunt who promotes the idea of law school to me each time I see and talk to her. I am never sure why she does this nor sure from where this idea came. She is not a lawyer. She does know some lawyers. Perhaps that's why she would like me to become one. Hmm... maybe on a whim I shall apply to law school just to see what happens. Though, I must study for the pre-law school test. This could be fun and give my brain something to do. I do enjoy doing things just for shits and giggles.

Giggle on this... I nearly ran my boyfriend over with my car. I certainly did. :)

Fast Forward

I went to my cousin's wedding today. It was simple but elegant. Another one of my cousin's will be graduating from college next week and does not know what he will be doing.

I feel old. To me these people have always been little kids. Trouble is, we're not little kids anymore. I am only two-five years older than they are. I can't imagine marrying someone today. I have no idea what I want to do for a career, I don't like my job but don't know what to move onto next.

Oh well, some people don't have life down to a formula and wander their whole lives. It makes them interesting, it gives them a diverse look at the world, and I think sometimes we are too often forced into being "something," this one thing so that it's easier for people to define us. They can say, "oh, you're a teacher" and put you into a category filled with other self-sacrificing, compassionate, people who like to shape and mold young minds, or they say, "A doctor, how nice" and think you're smart, want to help people more than your own pocket book, and that you enjoy what you do. For some reason, if you are in a profession, people assume you enjoy what you do, which is incorrect.

I may not enjoy my job, but I think it's mostly the people who bring it down. I don't hate any of the activities at work, even if they are excrutiatingly boring. I dislike the bad attitudes that go along with the work.

So, maybe my career will be to try on many hats, those hats I was afraid to try on when I was young. People don't seem to give you a chance to grow into anything nowadays. Bleh. I need a vacation.

Cdoc runs for health and I run away for health

Along with my mental maladies, melodies, diseases, what have you... I have diabetes (which they-the establishment, has increased my Wellbutrin dosage to 300mg a day and it's making me nauseated). I admit to having this disease, but for a long time now I really truly did not feel as if I have it. I am in denial. I do not test my blood as I need, I do not eat healthily, I do not watch my carbohydrates, and I do not exercise. On Monday, I started eating better. I know how to eat and I have done it before. I had so much energy when I did. I felt "good." Don't believe me? Touch me, baby. ;) You'll enjoy, I promise.

I never did get into exercise. It's just never been my thing, my cup of tea... I don't even like tea. It tastes like tree. I don't like coffee either, but sugar free grape kool-aid is fantastic. Though, it does make your poop bright green. However, that too can be a nice surprise! Back to exercise... well... maybe a start to exercise?

I have a weight-bench. I have weights. I have arms and legs, thus put four and machine together and... walla! Exercise. Yet I can't make myself do it. But I have not turned the weight bench into a clothing storage rack yet, so that must be progress. I have used it at least four times, but that's been about... three months ago. I do plan on buying a bicycle this weekend. One of those old-fashioned, 1950's strolling through the parks and meadowed lanes kind of bikes with big, wide seats for my large ass. Also, I think they are cool. My parents had red ones like that when I was a kid and I thought they were the greatest. My wish was to have them ride together on them, to be a lovey-dovey couple. Alas, another dream dashed and well, now I don't see my mom being able to ride a bike... In fact, she apparently can't even sit on a garden bench without falling off. My dad and I laughed at her, but my mom laughed hardest at herself. She takes it in stride. Will there be a day she can't stride? Sad to think.

I had thought about riding my bike to work, but my parents put the kabosh on that. I don't get off work until 11:30pm and they don't want me riding in the dark. Andrew said that he didn't mind that as much as me going to laundry-mats (what is a laundro anyway? and I tend to say laundry mats, may as well make my blog authentic) at 3am. I don't like it when it's busy and it's not busy at 3am. I'm just being practical. *grin*

So, we'll see if I can keep on track with the eating, to get on a track with exercise, and to take my meds everyday. That's another thing all together though. I hate having to take meds. Hate it, but I hate how I feel without them and part of me getting healthy, has to do with taking the mental health drugs as recommended by my physician. Because then, when mentally healthy I can tackle the physical health monster.

I saw the counselor. She's weird. I like it. I talked almost the whole time. I blurted shit out and felt no remorse. It was good. No lying. Just laying it all out- well some of it out, we only had an hour for goodness sakes.

Reminding Myself

David Sedaris writes in his books about how he always thought that some how he would be magically selected to be famous, wealthy, that his parents weren't really his biological parents and that his birth parents would some day come to find him and whisk him away to fancy, expensive places. David Sedaris writes that he figured there must be something special about him that someone with important contacts, someone with money, someone with power would recognize in him and pluck him from his boring existence to lead him to greatness. I am David Sedaris because I too think that way, I too hope for those exact same things. David Sedaris stole my dreams.

Now, I must become someone new. Perhaps that's not true. I must become someone renovated. I need new cupboards, a splash of color, and some bright curtains. Meaning, I must open the old cupboards and throw out some things that way me down, physically and emotionally. I need to stock my cupboards with healthy things, with fresh fruit, with happy thoughts, and plenty of sunshine. I need a splash of color into my life, something bold... something new each week. And I need to learn when to display myself to the public and when not to, I need to get some curtains that rise and fall when needed.

I am going to therapy tomorrow. I've tried it before, but usually I lie. This time, I am going to lay out all the cards. I picked this woman from a phone book and I have no ties with her. I get to say whatever I want and that's that. No judgement, no having to say I'm sorry, nada. I don't even know what I like doing. I have no hobbies that involve other people. I think I am disgusting and ugly. These are things that should not be.

So, while I am David Sedaris I am not Davis Sedaris.

Remind me to tell you why I am David Sedaris

I went to the dentist on Monday. I was told I need to floss more, which is funny since I used to be a fanatic. Then I stopped brushing my teeth at night and stopped flossing for months as if I had used up my lifetime supply of flossing moments. Too often too soon. Now, I must find the middle ground between obsession and apathy. I was told that I have extra bone growth on the roof of my mouth past the soft palatte and bone growth under my tongue, which is caused by clenching my teeth. I do this, day and night. My jaw hurts, my head sometimes aches, and my cheeks have permanent lines creased on the inside from being stuck between my clenched jaws. I will be receiving a "stint," which is just a fancy name for something open...an artery, a jaw, etc. I've had one before, but I lost it like many other things that I have lost.

I lost the ring Andrew gave me. It was so shiny, such a bright silver. It was made of hearts and when he placed it on my left hand, the ring finger he said, "Remember, I love you." I do remember that he loves me... even though I lost the ring. I lost the clip on sunglasses that came with my new frames. I did find them again, however, they were bent and missing a lens. They cannot be repaired. Sometimes I wonder if I cannot be repaired, but that's for another chapter.

I was told that the clenching habit has also put enough pressure on two of my teeth to cause gum recession. Now, I have special toothpaste to use before bedtime. It has extra floride. It was that or a floride treatment in the office and those little foam trays make me want to kick things, like dentists, and hygeinists.

I was told I brush well. I have been told this many times before. I am unsure how one brushes poorly, infrequently I understand. But poorly, no. Back and forth, back and forth... Guys who masturbate should be fantastic brushers.

I was told that I would be happy with some whitening treatments and it would make my smile even more beautiful, and that I have great teeth alignment. No, I never had braces, even my old dentist couldn't remember if I had had them or not. My new dentist said that my previous dentist did an excellent job on my chipped tooth. It blended well and one would never notice that part of the tooth wasn't mine. I did not chew on something hard, I took a softball to the face. I never play softball or any other games where things fly at my head. I know what can happen.

I was disappointed tonight. Not with my dentist, but with Andrew. We were supposed to spend the afternoon together, but he was feeling ill and was tired. I brought him dinner and we slept together for a spell, a nap as some may call it. I grew weary of resting and left, unsatisfied at the time we spent together. I cried as I usually do. I cry all the time these days. It's sort of healthy, but bordering on excessive. He thinks I need to see a psychologist...therapy. I hate therapy. I tend to lie during therapy. I should stop that. But I want to be happy and he is right. Besides, he cannot shoulder the burden I hand him all the time. That's not right. He's not a professional. I mean, I know he has dental tools in his bathroom-the metal scrapers, but that does not mean I seek him out for my oral health. So, I shall seek someone else for my mental health. However, he better take care of me sexually here soon... not sure how much longer I can hold out.

A slice of pie and the man in the moon

People keep telling me that I have my whole life ahead of me and really I'm not sure what they are supposed to mean by that. Yes, it would seem that because I am only 25 that I have years of life left for the future, however, as to what this whole life idea is referring to... I don't know.

I do not want children, at least not in the next 10-15 years. I do not like my job nor do I forsee anything better coming along anytime soon. For now, I am going to go to work, earn my pay, reap the rewards of my benefits, and wait. I am dating a man who I assume I will never marry and that's fine. Being married is not some goal I wrote down on a piece of paper one day. I will probably never own a home. I will not get to take expensive vacations. I do not see my life veering too far off it's course unless something catostrophic happens. I read books, I see movies, I have a few select friends, I do jig-saw puzzles, I don't wear make-up, etc.

The people I work with have children and they like to go out and get drunk. I have nothing in common with them. I am a child. Always will be. I like being babyied. I am A's "Baby." He's the only man, woman, child, who I have ever let and enjoyed calling me baby. I want to be taken care of...

So, what is this life that I have ahead of me... what is this glorious, mystical, wondrous thing that I am supposed to be looking for... and how do I know when I've found it? All I know is that I seek out good moments, good friends, good books, good movies, comfortable furniture, supportive shoes, and hope they last. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is happier than I am, that everyone else has found their place in this world. But then I realize, we are all lost sometimes. We all wonder how we ended up where we did.

So, here's to each of our whole lives ahead of is... may they be happy, warm, fulfilling, and nothing short of beautiful.