I am going to take his weed eater and shove it up his ass. It's fucking 8am in the morning and I am trying to sleep.


Like, there are people who don't work 8 to 5 and need to get some rest. Grr

Tastefully Simple

I look around this room and I am surrounded by stuff. I don't want this stuff to be what makes me happy. I want to be fulfilled without having to fill rooms and rooms full of things. Yet, I can't seem to stop being a good consumer girl. I want to buy more clothes, more stuff, more things to fill all these rooms.

I have a closet full of clothes. Nothing more will fit in there; I do not need more clothes. In my office, the walls are filled with brightly colored toys, some dark, ominous looking toys, and pictures but not of people I love, but of things.

I understand that humans like to surround themselves with things they find pretty, such as art, flowers, etc. I understand that we like to make ourselves feel good with the things we have. But if all I have is stuff to make myself feel good I am missing something in my life. I am not fulfilled by myself alone. And at this point, I am all I have to fulfill myself.

Question is, how do I get to the point where I don't feel the need to stuff my apartment full of things, but instead stuff my mind with information, my heart with feelings, and my diary with adventures? I'm not sure.

But in the mean time, I feel guilty if I get rid of all the things people have spent time and money to give me.

I want to live more simply, but either I put obstacles in the way or there are roadblocks standing before that I am not sure I want to tackle. I would like to ride my bike to work, but I don't get off work until nearly midnight and it's not safe for me to ride home in the dark. I want to eat more whole foods, such as fruits and vegetables, but I tend to gravitate towards chemicals, preservatives, and unnatural substances. Though, I can't give up my sugar free beverages. Diabetics need tasty drinks, too. Sometimes buying things makes me happy and you wonder, why deny myself a bit of happiness? So, you pull out the check card and spend.

Well, I have no water in my apartment and need to have something to eat before I go. I'm off to a restaurant which I live two blocks from and I will be driving there since I have to go to work afterwards. A construction crew is tearing up the road in front of my apartment, which has caused the water to become nothing but a trickle.

Words on a screen

I discovered an old diary I used to keep. Well, it's not really that old, maybe a year to two years, but my how things change. Before, I used to write to impress not to express. It's very important for me to write out how I am feeling. It keeps me sane. I used keep another on-line journal for nearly two years, but again that was to impress. I didn't always write how I felt, but more so how I thought I should feel. It was a lot of "shoulds" and not actually reality. But now, I get it out. Somethings I choose not to write about because I cannot exact change in those areas.

For example, I dislike our president immensely. As of right now, there is nothing I can do about it. The next candidates have not been announced and I do not have any money to donate to anyone or group who can get his ugly monkey face out of the White House by impeaching him. Second, I am pro-choice. I will even go so far as to say I believe in killing babies because I want the anti-choice folk to realize that I know and acknowledge what abortion is, on their terms. So, killing babies inside the womb, if that's what needs to happen to prevent another unwanted child from being born, so be it. There are so many stories of abuse, neglect, and poor parenting that I would think those anti-choice groups' time would be better spent helping to create better lives for those already here and not worry so much about who is not here yet.

Anti-choice people like to argue that well if "your mom had an abortion you wouldn't be here." Well, in my belief system I wouldn't ever know that I wasn't here and that's that. I don't see how that's some magical statement that's meant to change my mind. However, I am elated at the FDA's approval of Plan B as an over-the-counter medication. That's great news for women and their bodies. Those under 18 cannot buy the pills without a doctor's note, but I read that depending on the girl's body and physical maturity, her body may not react well to the drug. I am not sure I buy that and do see it as another way to control the youth of America.

This next topic sort of ties it. I recently met a man around my age who does not believe in dinosaurs and does not believe in evolution. I did not argue when he said he does not believe in evolution, that is something many people discount as merely theory. However, dinosaurs? What are all those bones then? He claims to be a Christian, yet has one of the worst attitudes I've ever encountered. He has no real knowledge about the history of Christianity and takes everything as a literal idea. I fear for this young man's future because he could be taken advantage of due to his naivity and willingness to believe things that he's never researched, that he's never taken the time to seek out answers for himself. He is also one of the angriest people I've ever met and some day his temper will get him into trouble, of which no one can get him out.

I am hungry. I want pancakes. Again. :)

It's a mish-mash of hodgepodge

Here are some fun websites I like to visit and want to share with anyone who happens to read this blog.

http://www.43things.com/

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

http://www.ghostsofnorthdakota.com/

http://www.quotegarden.com/

http://www.dribbleglass.com/

In other news, there is no other news.

Today was my day off; I cleaned, read, and slept. All in all, not very productive.

I am glad I never got a tattoo. I don't want one either.

I've been having really weird dreams lately, disturbing in fact. I prefer being awake to having those dreams. In the last dream, this black girl kept trying to beat me up, I would walk in this downtown area and all the business doors would close themselves and lock me out on the steet, then I rode a humpback whale. No idea what it all means.

Here is a list of things I like-
1. Bubble baths
2. Fans-I like the noise and the cool air
3. Nail files
4. Wearing shorts
5. The feeling of clean sheets
6. Soft blankets
7. Of thinking I look cute sometimes and not completely hideous

That's enough. Signing off.


8.
6.

Random Pieces of Life

This guy from work invited me over to his apartment last night to hang out. It was cool to receive such an invitation because it means I made a friend on my own. I consider "friends" those I hang out with outside of work. There is nothing romantic in this invitation, just to inform you.

This young man made me realize that I am no longer angry. I don't have this weight of hate and irritation at the world and he does. I feel serene when I am happy. I feel calm. I am glad to be able to say that I've even felt those things. I know it was only moments before that I felt on the brink of that black edge of depression, where it consumes you and it's what you become. But I know what I can be, what life can be. His music is filled with anger and frustration, and while I once used to listen to that music and indentify, I no longer feel that same hostility rising in me when I hear it. I hope one day he finds peace within himself.

I've been researching graduate schools and looking at housing costs in those towns. I am trying to be the one in control of my destiny this time whereas before I left some of the research up to my mom and dad. They shouldn't have done that because it separated me from my goal. It made the steps from A to Z disappear. I know they were only trying to help but now, I am asking them for a different kind of help.

I don't think I want to date right now, but I do want to be wanted. It sucks to once have that feeling that someone thought you were great, sexy, smart, and all those other lovely adjectives that give you warm fuzzies inside and then to have all those adjectives taken away from you. Yes, yes, I should feel all those about myself without someone telling me, but it's nice to hear from someone who loves you or claims that he loves you. ;) But as far as dating goes, I don't think I want to give someone my heart for a long time. The next time around, I need to ensure that he deserves it.

While walking down the corridor of the hospital, I heard a little boy say this to his dad. "I don't want to go nigh nigh. No nigh nigh." Dad: "You don't have to go night night now, we're going to see your sister." Boy: "Can I stay up forever?" Dad: "Sure." The boy jumps in the air with glee. "I never have to go nigh nigh." A very happy three year old, indeed. Wait until he finds out he can't stay awake forever. Oy.

Uh...

It was a creature that I had no control over and it seemed to get bigger. I feared it would escape its holding tank. Finally, I conquered the beast. I finished washing all items that made up the 3x4 foot pile of laundry in my storage closet. I am proud of this fact. It has taken me since winter to complete this task.

I am also doing better with paying my bills on time. I still hate checking the mail, but I know that I must do it. I tend to receive nothing but bills and junk mail neither of which are incentives to check the mail.

I am on this kick of wanting to rid my apartment of so much stuff. I don't even know what it all is and perhaps it could be stored elsewhere, given away, sold to someone else, or just... well, reorganized or thrown. My closets are disasters. I have way too many "project" t-shirts, which means the shirts are too small or too stained for regular wear and can only be donned when I working on something that may stain, rip, sully, or otherwise mar decent looking clothing. Most of my whites are no longer white, they are beige, almost jaundiced looking. I'd prescribe phototherapy for them if I thought it would help. However, I am afraid of that wondrous product: bleach. It seems I always get it every place I don't want it and wind up with my colors lighter and my whites brightly colored. Part of the problem is that my armpits sweat, a lot. A white shirt has yellow spots after one wearing. Eventually, colored shirts will have weirdly colored armpits due to the deodorant and the sweating. I'm such a lovely girl. :)

I am lost in black and white.

I read this, http://postsecret.blogspot.com/#114942490829092819, website every Sunday. My friend Artemis introduced me to it and now I am addicted. I was making a postcard to send in, but then decided that I am not sure that this secret should remain annonymous.

I think if people knew my secret they would understand a little more about me. My secret is not serious, it's not very funny, but it's a little weird. It leads back to when I was five and I made a vow. I vowed to marry a man of a different race. In doing so, I am discriminating against people of my own race: white men. I am usually very skeptical when hearing about reverse-racism, but I was five and didn't know that I was excluding anyone by making this vow.

However, my secret deals with this very vow and the topic of racism. I feel racist if I don't date black (or other men of color) men. I have felt awful for liking white men. I continue to feel badly if I like white men. Though, the feeling is fading, but ever so slowly. Thoughts come into my mind, if I do marry a white man then I have to adopt black children just to make up for the lack of color in the relationship. I must prove my acceptance of other people by excluding other people?

I am lost in this quandry.

I am going to wash that man right outta my hair

Andrew returned my call, saying, "That's not fair." He just didn't get that it didn't have anything to do with him being at work, it didn't have anything to do with him being busy, etc. It had to do with I wanted his attention, his time, I wanted him to want me, and he didn't. He never really did.

I told him that he never calls me on his own volition unless he wants something. He couldn't see this. I told him that I was just trying to tell what I felt and why. He said I was just making him the bad guy. He suggested that if he has time this coming week, he'll give me a call and "I'll make sure I don't ask you for anything." Ouch. That hurt and I told him so. He didn't get it. He said that I can make the statement and it's okay, but that he can't say it because then it's not okay. I said it was about the way he said it, not what he said. I told him that I understand how his friend Heidi sometimes tells him that he makes her feel stupid when he explains thing to her. At first, he didn't get the correlation, but then I said I think he does that to me, whether it's intentional or not.

I can't believe I wasted my time on that man. I told him that I can't just be his friend. I told him I can't do it. He didn't seem to understand. I no longer wish to talk to him, even on a friendly basis.

This morning, the wife of the doctor who owns the business where Andrew works called and said that last week I went behind the counter and that I can't do that anymore, that I am not allowed to come to the business unless I am a customer. I told her it wouldn't happen again, that she need not worry.

After I got off the phone with Andrew last night, I returned a phone call to Mr. Nix. He had left me a message so I called him back, clearly upset. I desired to get off the phone, not wanting to cry on the phone again with him, not wanting to burden him with my shitty problems anymore. But he insisted I stay on the phone and I am glad he did. He helped put some things in perspective for me, helped me see things I wouldn't have seen on my own and hadn't taken note of yet. Andrew is emotionally unavailable and that's not my fault. I can't change that fact about Andrew, he doesn't like himself and that's his problem. If he's this old and can't get his shit together and can't fucking date a 25 year old, which is a bit easier to do than dating someone his age since I have quite fewer expectations, he's got issues. Mr. Nix said that I am a good person and that someone will love me, someone who deserves me. I needed to hear that. There's so much pressure around here to get married, have kids, get the career going, etc, and to feel like you're failing in every avenue is horrible. But I'm not failing.

Andrew is gone. I am going to recover from him. Mr. Nix told him that I can love him and be content with the fact that I love him and not receive anything back. This is true.

Anyway, time for me to really work on me. Andrew is going to be dumped from my thoughts each time he enters. I shall mentally dump water on him, I shall tip him out of his chair, anything for me to release the irritation I feel at him and myself. Myself, because I begged and I never should have done that. I begged for a man who has nothing to offer me. Makes no sense.

So, time to make sense. Time to get active in life and get going.

I'm a loser

All three hours from my parents' house to my apartment, I day dreamed about kissing Andrew, about Andrew's hands carressing my skin. I made a up a day dream that started when I surprised him at his apartment or when I dropped in on him at work. I drove by his work and they didn't look too busy (one car out front minus the workers' cars). I stepped in and immediately got a hand, palm forward, in my face. A stop gesture. I stopped and he made a shh signal. I hushed and stopped.

I waited in the reception area for him to finish a phone call he had to make, then walked up to say hello. He inquired as to what I wanted, gave me a look as to why am I bothering him at work again. I said I just wanted to talk to him when he was coherrent rather than when I wake him up around midnight, the only chance I have to call him and catch him at home. He said he was pretty busy tonight and that they were closing soon and he had to get some stuff done. The doctor in the background was on the phone and I could hear her talking. Earlier, she had introduced herself to me. She seemed familiar and I finally figured it out. I told Andrew I wanted to speak with her because I thought I knew her sister. When I stepped behind the counter to wait for her, he said I was not allowed behind the counter (where I have been several times before) due to confidentialty. I stopped, looked at hime, and said I'd just leave. He said that it was just because... and I didn't let him finish. I walked out saying I'd just leave.

I left and I cried. I have begged that man for any morsel of attention, for any amount of love and affection he can show me and I always wind up getting turned down, getting nothing. When I got home, I called his apartment and left a message on his machine, "It's me. I give up. I won't call you anymore, I won't stop by where you work. I get the point. Bye."

It makes me feel so horrible that I am not even wanted by Andrew. I disgust myself in how I've thrown myself at him, how I've begged him to love me, to even like me just a little, and still I get nothing. I feel so worthless. I gave him my everything and I can't even get a crumb from him.

But that is enough. I can't be his friend. I was lying to myself when I said that. Maybe in the future, but right now it's all to fresh. Grrarrr.

VFW

I am not a social person by nature. People do not seem to understand that statement. Around those I already know, I am fine. In small groups of people, I am fine. I do not like large crowds filled with people I don't know when I don't have someone I can lean on, when I don't have someone to "hold" my hand, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively.

Some people just do not understand this information and insist I am being a baby or that I should just get out of my comfort zone. Tonight, my co-workers insisted that I go with them to see our fellow co-workers's band play at a bar. I really hate bars. They are smokey, they are filled with drunk people who are obnoxious, they are loud (the opposite of me and the environments I like to be in), and they are filled with people I don't know. The band was a heavy metal band, music I don't care for, complete with the screaming "lead singer."

After much pestering and being told I was going whether I wanted to or not, I agreed to go. But added the stipulation that if I needed to leave I could, no questions asked. So, I went. It was smokey, loud, filled with people I didn't know (and most likely, don't want to know or will never know), filled with drunk people, and I was already nervous. I managed to stay for about an hour before I couldn't take it anymore.

I walked out of the bar and breathed deeply, one because it was finally air I could actually breathe, and two because I was no longer trapped in that place. I walked to my car quickly and got in, feeling as if I had escaped. I said goodnight to no one, just left. I hope they understand that I wasn't up for goodbyes. While driving back to my apartment I began shaking, then crying, and then shaking again. The adrenaline was spiking and yet wearing off at the same time. My body was in shock. I called my friend Mr. Nix who had left a message on my voice mail. His soothing voice calmed me down. I felt better after I talked to him. But before I called him, I called my parents and told them I had changed my mind, again. I was going to go home for the weekend and I was leaving tonight, well this morning- early.

So, I finish this, I think I am finished packing, I have cd's, and I think I am okay to go. I have to get gas and fuel for me before I leave, but sometimes you just need to go home-where being a baby isn't a bad thing.

Eavesdropping

In the emergency room, two teen boys sit side by side waiting to see the doctor. One looks completely fine, but the other holds his arm strangely. While his palm sits on his leg, the bone from the left side of his forearm sticks up in the air. Something is definitely wrong with this young man.

Both are dressed in black, both have on stocking caps in the middle of the summer, and of course, this makes them both "tough," or it does in the minds' of 15 year-old boys. They wear spikey jewelry as if this makes them like jagged pieces of metal and if this makes them porcupines and gives them one more defense against the outside world. Yet, it does. Certain people won't approach them, won't talk to them, and will never be their friends because they have leather bracelets with metal poking out of them, because they have on black hats with skulls on them, and because these boys are trying to figure out what it means to be a man yet with nothing manly to do in their lives.

The one with the askew arm talks, "That concert was so wicked. It was so awesome when Shinedown did '45'." The other boys nods in agreement and repeats the words wicked and awesome, because as 15-year old friends they must think alike. Arm askew says one more thing, "That concert was totally worth a broken arm." That is youth fervor. That is enthusiasm. And somethings are totally worth a broken arm and the stories that goes with it.

Unlisted

1. I have not heard from Dr. Nordic God- he hasn't opened the last email I sent him.

2. I am going to visit with the librarian at the hospital tomorrow to speak with her about being a medical librarian. Hopefully, it's another step towards my goal of getting my master's in library science. How awesome would it be if there were an opening in the library. It'd be fucking awesome, that's how awesome.

3. Last night, Andrew called me and left a message on my voice mail saying I needed to call him as soon as I got home. While I dialed and waited for him to pick up, I worried. However, his request was strange until I understood what wanted. He asked if I had a checkbook. I said I did. He asked if I could write a check for $30 to his phone company, he'd bring me the $30 tonight when he picked up the check. I said sure, that would be fine. He doesn't have a checking account and it was too late for him to buy a money order at the grocery store or anywhere else for that matter. He'd received a call that said if he didn't pay his bill, they were going to shut his phone off. I'm the helpful sort, so I wrote out a check. However, since I slightly mistrust him I offered to ride with him to the phone company to drop off his bill. He agreed to the offer and away we went, bass thumping into the night. When he dropped me off at my apartment after the bill was dropped in the little box, I hugged him, and we kissed again. This time, no tongues went dancing. Just lips soft and simple against each other.

4. I am very bored with my life right now. I feel stuck in the middle of something, in a holding pattern. I mean, I shouldn't complain because life isn't being totally shitty but at the same time, there's a lack of adventure and I don't know how to fix that. I'm not stable enough to move anywhere, I don't have the money to do so, there are no new boys on the horizon who always add something interesting to life, there are no new job prospects, just me figuring out what to eat for breakfast every day, showering, and picking out clean underwear.

5. My ex-roommate got engaged a few weeks ago. I am quite happy for her, but it makes me feel behind. She found a nice guy and they mesh very well. She has a real job and a job in which she is trained, and I guess I just wonder when it's my turn. But, I am excited since I do get to be in another wedding and wear a fun dress. I asked if I could be the flower girl, but I was shot down on that idea; same with wanting to be the ring-bearer.

6. Women tend to find me sweeter, cuter, and just all over better than men do. It's weird. Too bad I'm not a lesbian, I could charm the pants off some chicks in no time.

7. I was considering going home this weekend, but with gas prices as high as they are and with all the activities I need to do here, such as clean, laundry, clean, laundry, clean, laundry, etc., I should really stay. Well, I'll discuss that option later with the folks who are quite fond of me and like it when I visit. I enjoy it too. I get chocolate chip pancakes and get to watch massive amounts of cable. :) Plus, my parents live there too. And sometimes my brother makes an appearance. He's like a walk-on celebrity cameo in a movie, you see him as he is, he says hi into the camera, and then he's gone.

8. I placed a personal on Yahoo personals just for shits and giggles, because that's probably all the reaction I'm going to get from it. The guy will either shit or giggle, "yeah, right tubby." I know the drill. Being fat, overweight, obese, choose your adjective, isolates you socially. You never get set up with guys your friends know, people look at you eat when you're in restaurants and give that head shake that says, "you shouldn't eat that." People don't hold the door open for you, guys don't smile and say hello as you walk down the hall, shopping is embarrassing when you are relegated to that one section in the store or have to go to Lane Bryant where your choices are slim, leaving you unable to express yourself through the clothes you wear the way small people can, you have to worry about smelling because sweat and bacteria get caught in the folds of fat that you have, you can't see behind your own leg to see if you shaved it all, and you don't approach men yourself because you could offend them, leading them to hurting you. Because it's easier to hurt a fat person's feeling that it is to hurt their body. We already hate our bodies. And to do something about it? Harder than quitting smoking, heroin, etc. Most people who lose weight, gain it back and then some. Eating gives us a high, a comfort zone, and food always loves us. It doesn't judge.

It's been quite a day

I called Andrew to ask him what kind of friend he is, I really meant to berate him. I did my best to do so. We made plans for lunch for Saturday. We met up at Perkins, which was odd since it was the very Perkins Andrew met my parents for the first time. We ordered, we talked, and it was nice. I viewed him as he is, an older man who is still trying to steady his life.

He said he had a present for me. I went out to his car with him when we were done eating. I helped him get his wheelchair into the car and managed to hit myself in the face with it while doing so. (I seem to be hitting myself in the face quite a bit-the power went out last night and while I was searching in the dark for my flashlight, I hit my mouth on the corner of my dresser). After, we finally got the chair in the car. I leaned down to hug him as I always do when I leave his presence. Except this time, when I leaned down, there was a look in his eye. I hugged him again and he kissed my cheek. So, I looked into his face and kissed his lips with mine. Soon, our lips were parting and our tongues were slow dancing. We stopped and started once more. Kissing him always felt so good and it felt good this time, too. I walked away feeling full and satisfied, and it wasn't just because of the pancakes.

He turned me on with those two kisses and I want more. I always did want more from him after a kiss.

Speaking of wanting more, I emailed Dr. Nordic God. I wrote that I am taking his lack of reply as a silent rejection, but that I would prefer a formal rejection since I hate the unknown. I added that if I was just being impatient, he can chalk it up to one of my many faults. I wished him well in his recovery. I know that whatever happens, I gave it a shot. I won't have to wonder "what if," which can be such an uplifting feeling.

Star Wars and the Galactic Burger

*Darth Vador breathing inserted here* "Welcome to McDonald's. You are Luke. *breathing* I am your father *breathing* What can I get you? *breathing*

I laughed so hard when the drive through-associate was being Darth Vador. It brightened my night. I had just gotten off work and decided that I needed a McDonald's cheeseburger so I drove across town to the 24-hour McDonald's and was greeted with silly haliarity. I was laughing so hard that the Darth Vador breathing and voice stopped to ask me, "Ma'am, do you need a glass of water?" I laughed and said no. However, when I ordered my Extra Value meal, Darth asked me what I wanted to drink saying, "Would you like a glass of water?" I laughed again and when I went up to the first window to pay, the kid asked me if I was going to tell everyone that Darth Vador waited on me at McDonald's. I assured him I would, because who would want to miss out on that? I am very glad that this young man was finding a way to make a very drole, boring, and tedious job enjoyable. I hope that his antics do not reap him any negative repercussions. I think he's inventive and creative. I'd hate to see another system in our society beat that out of this fun-loving young man.

Someone suggested I date this young man when I retold the story. I said I would not since he looked like he just got his driver's license. Besides, I'm trying to snag a neurosurgeon and if that doesn't work, I'll just move on to someone else who is much too old for me. ;) Update on Dr. Nordic God: No word from him yet, however, I have discovered the great powers of the work email system. It will tell you the date and time that the recipient opened the email and if they forwarded it to someone or if they replied. Except it doesn't demonstrate to whom they forwarded the message. Dr NG forwarded the second email I sent him to someone and this makes me very nervous and self-conscious. I am tempted to email him and tell him to forget it. However, I am bored and this add some good excitement to life.

Usually, I am not bored. I find something to occupy, if not preoccupy my mind. Lately, I just can't seem to find something to mentally stimulate me. I'm tired of reading, tired of movies, tired of a lot of things, and I'm looking for something new. Perhaps, I am actually looking for something old; Scrabble anyone?