It's a wonder night

I went to Walmart last night, which was my first no no. But I was feeling antsy and I wanted a hands free head set for my cordless phone since I talked to The Boy so much. It's hard to get anything done while I'm holding the phone. Plus, I wanted to pick up his "Santa" gifts. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he said he wanted a new car, which I can't afford and he was being silly. So, I bought him a Matchbox Volvo SUV. It's cute and red. I also bought him a new battery-operated toothbrush, a cribbage board, and some gum. I am going to put all this stuff in the stocking that we hung up at his house.

I also purchased some Macaroni and Cheese from the greatest Mac and Cheese makers ever-Kraft. I bought the organic variety because I want to see if it tastes any different from the regular. So, up to the register I go at 3:30am and the boy at the counter looks a little odd, but then again who works at Walmart at 3am and is normal? So, I wait my turn and he checks out all my purchases, and comments on my organic Mac and Cheese. "Organic, huh? I didn't know they made organic." I say that they do, obviously, they do. You're holding the box. I don't say that though, just think it. Then he ponders more, "Wait, how can they make organic, aren't noodles processed?" I say that noodles are processed but its about how they grow the ingredients that go into the noodles that make it organic and that they don't use pesticides and whatnot. He smiles and retorts, "They could just get venus fly traps... for the bugs."

Ah, yes. They could. My, my, my.

Words Alive

We said those three words yesterday. Those three words that make the world spin sometimes, that make men climb mountains, that make women weak in the knees, that make people eat buckets of ice cream when it's gone, that bring tears to eyes both happy and said... I Love You. Those three words we said for each other and to each other. Though, the sentiments were there before.

The Boy and I had our Christmas this weekend. We each opened one present in the morning on Friday and then I went to work. After work and a trip to Walmart, we opened the rest of our presents. My first gift was a beautiful beaded with little purple stones necklace. It fit and I really like it, which is unusual since I don't normally wear necklaces. I gave The Boy his fleece vest as his first gift. He liked it so much that he put it on right then and there, with his pajamas. A cute look if I must say. :)

The Boy conjured up some creativity when it came to my next gifts. He purchased three books. He gave me the first PostSecret book, a book called Mind Games which is about how the brain works, and a book about the history of "love words," or words generally associated with love. He wrote a note on the inside front cover, which I think finally made me overcome my hatred of having people write in books. The words were, "To my Baby, I am so page 62 over you. Love Eric." I melted, I could barely read page 62, which was the phrase Head over Heels. I too am head over heels for that Boy. He has captured me in a way I didn't know could happen and in a way I did not expect, was not looking for. His last gift for me was a picture frame with a quote about love on it, on to which he glued Scrabble tiles spelling out our names and Christmas.

He said he had to do something with Scrabble because it's how we met. And it is how we met. My first email in response to his online ad, which mentioned playing Scrabble was "I love Scrabble." That was it, nothing more, nothing less. He was intrigued and wrote back. I was at home sick and I wrote back. Amazing how it works sometimes. :)

I gave him six pictures, well six photographs that I took of the land near his house. Two of them were quite large, 10x13, and the other four were 8x10's. I don't know if he actually likes them, but he took them home. :) I've given him a number of other presents in the course of our two month relationship so that I feel forgiven if he doesn't like them. I've practically furnished his house! ;)

Here is a picture of me taken by Eric. He gave me the earings I am wearing also. They are silver hearts. The Boy has my heart.

Hello, it's been a while.

It's been too long since I posted. So, here I am to fill you in on all the happenings.

I went on my trip to New York/Connecticut. The night before I was supposed to leave for the Big City to catch my airplane my boyfriend surprised me. He was sitting in his car in front of my apartment. I was shocked! :) But happily so.

I am surprised at how well I was able to get around all the modes of transportation that I rode on: Planes, trains, shuttle busses, and cars. :) It was all pretty easy, which surprised me.

The trip was fairly uneventful with a lot of driving a very stuffed car. Well, actually I never did drive. I couldn't find anyone to give me lessons on how to drive stick. However, we did stop at this amazing old house to take pictures of it. It was this drizzling, gray day and this beautiful Victorian home sat near the edge of the highway just rotting away; all its glory disappearing into crumbling pieces of wood. In its hayday it would have been regal.

We also had some very fun moments at the World's Largest Truck stop and at the hotel we stayed at in Davenport, IA. There was a pool and we went swimming. How I love swimming. For my time and efforts, my friend purchased one of those bags that are completely made out of zippers. It's very cool and I am most excited. It was nice spending time with her since it had been so long since we'd just chilled.

I am still with The Boy, which I have officially titled him now. I am quite content with him. He treats me well and appreciates the efforts I make. :) He and I went to my parents' house where we spent the weekend with them. The Boy postponed getting his wisdom teeth pulled in order to be with me. He's silly.

I've been working, hanging out with The Boy, and doing much of nothing. I rearranged the furniture in order to prevent from burning down my apartment. I had the bed next to the heat register which is fine, except I kept kicking the blankets onto the floor where they'd get very, very hot while they leaned against the register. So, I moved the bed and now I don't like the layout of the room as much, but it sure beats not having a room!

I have almost all my Christmas shopping done. I still have two people to buy gifts for but I must wait until I have money, which means until Friday since that's pay day.

I went to my psychiatrist on Monday and I don't have to see her for another 4-5 months since I am doing well. I still am not good at taking my medications each day, but I am trying. The Boy is going to impliment a rule in January. I get two days a month to miss my medications and if I miss any more than that I don't get to see him. That is sad. I only see him once a week anyway and that would be sad. I've fallen so completely for him.

My parents are well and that is good. I haven't heard much from my friends, but I've been spending all my free time with The Boy so I keep missing out on emailing them and whatnot. But I shall catch up sometime this week. :) Just like I will vacuum my apartment sometime this week. I will get it done! :)

I promise I will write more entries in the future. I needed a break I think to just be in the world for a while without trying to overanalyze it all the time. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes I think too much and about all the wrong things. I need to get back to school. Oy. :)

Updates

My heart is pounding, my skin feels like parchment paper, and it's my fault. I've been eating so poorly and haven't been taking my diabetes medication, or any of my medications for that matter. I don't see why this is so difficult. People make changes everyday in their lives and alter how they eat, how they think, how they take care of themselves and I can't seem to manage to give up desserts, pastas, or other carbs. I can't say no. I've never had will power though. I am not known for my ability to take a stand and stick with it.

I am wishy-washy. I change my mind. I am emotional and it effects everything I do. I eat because I am sad, because I am pmsing, because well frankly, a lot of times I can't think of anything better to do. :)

I don't know how to tell myself that I deserve to change for the better so that I don't end up in a coma, don't end up an amputee, blind, or any other complication because I decided that eating cake was a better choice.

I've applied for some new jobs. I intensely dislike the one I have, mostly for the sake of management. They are awful and seem to get great pleasure from punishing us. I don't quite understand their policy nor their attitude. They have one of the highest turn over rates I've ever seen. Over 75% of the people who work in our department have been there for less than eight months. Some of those in the top ten seniority levels have less than two years. I don't know why this is not seen as a problem. My employer must spend a fortune in training people.

I've been trying to finish one of my applications for grad school, however, I'm stuck on writing my academic and professional goals. What can I say? I want to do well in school and get a job when I am done that pays well. How do you write that in a minimum of 500 words or less. I used to be able to whip out essays like that in about five minutes. Now, I am struggling. I am afraid I have lost my touch. I am afraid I won't be able to get it back again if I do attend school once more. What if I can't write anymore?

My trip is coming up and I am trying to get everything ready for it. I have a few things I need to get done before I leave. I need to get an oil change, a haircut, get a bunch of stuff packed and ready to go, and I would like to surprise my boyfriend Wednesday night if I am all done with everything on time. But I think I shall be frantic Wednesday night and getting everything that I didn't get finished completed. If I don't get the chance to surprise him I shall be forced to wait two weeks to see him again and that's just not right. :)

I think I will keep a paper journal during my trip and then add those entries into here when I am back in cyberworld for all you to enjoy. ;)

An old story, hoping to invoke something creative in me

Sombrero wearing son of a bitch. What the hell that motherfucker thought he was doing, I don't know. But now I have to get up in the middle of the damn night and bail his ass out of jail. I am in my pajamas and wearing winter boots driving a 1985 station wagon to the county jail where he sits in a cell smiling like a monkey who just flung his own poo. Sure, he gets some on his own hands, but the satisfaction of hitting someone else with his own feces must be worth it. Soon as the phone jingled in the night, I knew, I just fucking knew it was going to be something like this.

I swear that man will be the death of me. Hell, I almost tripped on some dewy ice on the way to the car. It's that kind of winter warm where some of the ice on the surface has melted, but it's that kind of winter cool that doesn't allow the puddle of water to evaporate. I hate this car too. Tain't my car either. My car is wrapped around a light pole somewhere with vomit in the front seat. I was driving a friend home from some minor surgery last week and she just puked all over the inside of the car. Like a fucking tsunami of barf and she buried Tokyo. I couldn't stomach the sight, the smell, so I decided that hitting a pole was better. Anything to get out of that car, anything to get rid of that car. We said the vomiting occurred at the time of the accident. The tightening of the seatbelt against an upset tummy caused the tidal wave. My check is supposed to arrive next week. In the mean time, I have to drive his stupid ass car to the stupid ass county jail to pick up his stupid ass.

Why the hell he has to wear that hat anyway, I'll never know. It's ugly, it's stupid, and it smells funny. No one even knows where the hat came from. Hell, he could have swiped it from some passed out Spring Break kid who was lying in the street. Yeah, and those little snot monkeys are sanitary. Buncha disgusting, perverse, drunken idiots.

How long is this light? I swear it's never going to change. Finally! I am going to wring his neck when I see him. No. I am going to burn that hat. From now on, he's just going to be a son of a bitch.

I carefully walk through the parking lot, not wanting to fall on my ass and become all dirt, ice-water, slime encrusted and now I am waiting. This is pissing me off. Why call me if no one's going to be at the desk and if he's not ready. Oh, there's the ugly pig now coming back with coffee and oh, what's that? He's got a coffee in one hand and a jelly filled donut in the other that he's licking and flicking like it's a cunt. Fuck, dude, get a room. Shit, get a girl. Damn.

He asks if he can help me, his words muffled by the chunk of donut in his mouth, little bits of powdered sugar spray. I almost tell him that he can wipe his ugly ass mouth, finish chewing, and then ask me properly what he can do for me. But I just let it slide not in the mood to get into it with some copper before the sun even rises.

"I'm here to pick up my dad."

It's afraid and I am dark

Fear. I have great amounts of fear and I am scared of many things. The dark, leggings, cats sometimes, missing teeth, being used, etc.

Fear paralyzes me. I haven't checked my mail box. I am too afraid and I do not know what I am afraid of. Perhaps it's the unknown. But I know what bills are in there and I have paid most of them. I fear getting ready for my big trip to NY because of the unknown. I don't know if I'll get back to work on time, if the trip will go smoothly, if the flight will arrive on time, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and rather than helping myself by preparing, I hide. I step away from the problem and wish it to vanish. However, it does not work. The problem merely gets bigger, the deadline merely gets closer.

I have started one application to school and haven't finished it. I don't know why I am so slow at getting this done. I have chosen my three top schools.

However, now leaving will be difficult. I am officially someone's girlfriend now and it's great. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh. We shall see what the future brings. I guess I have to continue for with my plans or else I'll never get there. And I refuse to let my dream die.

I fear the unknown future. I am afraid it will hurt. Getting back up again feels harder each time Depression takes its grip on me. It's easier to fall into that black hole and it's harder to climb out. To me, the words Love and Depression should always be capitalized. And we shouldn't use such words in such superficial manners. One should not Love pizza but people. One is not Depressed if they can't find the right shoes, but can't get out of bed to put on shoes. Words are powerful and I want to use them to motivate me to get over my fears.

I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to be brave.
I want to be kind.
I want to be....
Not afraid of myself.

Dress me up, dress me down. But wear me out

Every woman should have the following items in her wardrobe according to Stacy London, co-host of TLC's What Not to Wear:

1. An A-line skirt
2. Mid-rise, mid-width trousers and jeans
3. A good bra to hold up the girls
4. A wrap dress
5. Good shoes

Often, when I look at fashion magazines, when I shop, when I stopped dressing like a boy in clothes two sizes too big, stopped wearing nothing but t-shirts, tennis shoes, and oversized sweatshirts I felt badly. I felt I was succumbing to the fashion industries wish-for me to purchase more clothes, for me to follow trends and buy into an idea that clothes will make me someone else. And in a sense they do. I always hated being judge by what I wore. Part of that was until recently, the fashion industry ignored a large (literally) sector of the population. The overweight young woman. With that said, I had two choices when I was in high school and early college; either dress like a boy or dress like a blind 90 year old grandmother. I chose boy.

So, I saw Stacy London speak this weekend and I realized that I am not buying into someone else's idea of what I should be. From her show and from her speech, I realized I buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel good. I know I've walked out of the house many times thinking I hate what I am wearing and it ruins the day. The confidence that is normally with you, is gone. I realize now how little self-respect I had when I was dressing like a boy. It completely changed how I thought of myself and what I thought I could do with my life.

I am a girl and being able to show that on the outside is nice. Stacy also mentioned how young girls are completely receiving the wrong messages about clothes, style in particular. Having style isn't following all the latest trends. It's knowing how to put together an outfit with classic pieces and something modern/new to make yourself look your best. Because then the best you inside can shine outside. Young girls are faced with skinny models, celebrities who have done nothing to earn such accolades and they are missing out on knowing what it means to be a strong, powerful, professional woman who has responsibility, goals, and some accomplishments behind her besides being skinny or slutty.

I am rambling. My mind is preoccupied. Boys... a boy. The boy. More on that later.

Before it's too late and gone

Yesterday I read the article that by2050 the WWF suspects that the Earth will run out of many resources that provide our comfortable lives. And that we will need two planet Earth's to sustain our current way of living. Our means Americans and our way of living would need five planet Earth's if everyone in the world were to live as we do. This scares me.

I fear the repercussions of our actions today. And yet I don't know what to do. Oh, sure I recycle, reuse, reduce, by second hand, I finally turned the heat on yesterday which is a feat in this northern cold country, I try to remember to turn the water off when I brush my teeth, but how much does all that really help? I'm just one person and I know together we make a difference, but the real help would have to come in the form of new laws, stricter pollution limits, and lifestyle changes that Americans wouldn't like. Life wouldn't be so nice for everyone. One way in which I know I can help more is to drive less, but that seems difficult some days. It's cold here nine months out of the year and I work over a mile from work. That may not seem very far, but it adds up when it's twenty below zero without the windchill not to mention the fact that I would be very scared walking home alone in the dark around midnight.

So, when is our government going to enforce laws and rules that help our planet? Why can't anyone see that we have to do much more than we do now? Mandatory recycling, stricter pollution controls, better fuel efficiency in cars and that would also mean taking off the market things like Hummers and giant SUV's, alternative fuel sources such as solar energy, wind power, hell put a big wheel on a waterfall and watch it spin and collect some energy. We have had it too easy for too long and it's time to start caring. People don't know how much energy it takes to make their lives as comfortable as it is and it's time that they knew.

We are strip mining away our planet, killing plants and animal species by the hundreds, not just individual animals but entire species all in the name of comfort, ease, of convenience. I know I have too much stuff and I could deal with a little less of it in life. But what more can I do?

How can I help? I tried volunteering with the Democrats, but that wasn't satisfying my need to help. Any ideas?

Oh boy

I very much like Hoss. He came to my place for dinner on Saturday. Well, actually he came around noon and we spent lots of time together. He was late because he spent time driving around town looking for a floral shop. He brought me one red rose. It was so sweet.

We went to lunch, rented some movies, played a game, watched a movie, held each other close. Fooled around a bit. The man knows how to touch a woman, or at least me. Oy. He carresses my skin so gently and sweetly. Hey pays attention to sounds an movement. I did not want him to leave nor did he want to, but he had to be to work at 6am. It was nearing 5am and he still had an hour's drive in front of him.

I made dinner for him. He said it was good and ate two helpings. He said I should cook more often. I am completely smitten.

This was not supposed to happen. I had ten-eleven months of no dating left.

I am a wandering river looking for a new path

Sometimes I wonder about myself, my feminist values, and where I truly find myself. I met a man on Friday. We "met" throught he internet and after about a month of emailing and two weeks or so of chatting on the phone we met in person. Before anyone decides to chide me for risking my safety, I was smart, or so I think. I emailed a friend and let her know where I was going, who I was meeting, what his phone number is, where we were meeting, and that if I didn't call her by a certain time that she should feel free to do something, which could range from calling this man (I shall call him Hoss) to calling the authorities.

So, I met this man and it was a good meeting. I like him and he likes me in return. As to where it's going and what kind of relationship it is, I have no idea. But I am enjoying the moment. However, this is where I wonder where my ability to follow the creed, "I don't need a man to be happy." I do not need a man to be happy, but since I've met him I've been calling my friends, hanging out, wanting to get out of my apartment and not be alone. I don't know if spending the day with someone, not particularly him, was the catalyst or I was just ready to head out into the world again and meeting him was the first opportunity I had? I don't want to be that girl who can't live without a man, who is a different person when in a relationship. I don't want that. And tonight while I spent some time with the girls, one said, "She's back" about me, my attitude, my personality, and my presence. I enjoy this for part of me does feel back. A giddy, gooshy centered part of me and part of me that feels like being in the company of others.

I question where that girl was a few weeks ago or was my heart still sad? I saw Andrew the other night, Thursday morning to be exact. I saw him and felt nothing. Not a twinge of wanting to be with him, not one urge to kiss him, and I searched deep for that urge to connect lip to lip. This was before I met Hoss so he had nothing to do with it. Was feeling control over myself around Andrew a sign that I could venture out into the world? And have I been alone, without a man, since I'd been carrying Andrew around in my head and my heart?

Am I truly happy on my own? I am torn between wanting to live up to my feminist values, yet I am completely impressed that Hoss opened the car door for me, paid for dinner, and asked for nothing in return. I am the one who made the sexual advances, I was the one who was being touchy feely. It's like I need a man's positive comments so that I can tell them to other people so that I can feel better about myself. That through them, I am better than the real person I am, which if the man is being true and not just looking to get into my pants, I am all those things he says I am. I am those positive comments.

So, I sit torn, smitten, and excited. I also feel awake after feeling asleep for a few weeks. No one can ever understand how I feel when I wake up from life and feel as if I've been sleeping for a long period of time. Well, maybe some can. It's a haze I cannot clear, a fuzz I can't remove, and a feeling I can't beat down. Depression doesn't always have to make a person unable function on all levels. Sometimes, it just removes your dreams or tarnishes them so much that you look at it and think it's a pile of crap. Who wants to accomplish a crap dream or goal? No one. It's the shiny dream that makes you sit up and say, yes! I will do that some day! And start those little steps towards that BIG SOME DAY.

So, here's to staying awake, staying true to myself, my feelings, my dreams, and to giving love a shot all at the same time.

It's just stupid sometimes.

Some days I just do not understand the incompetence I must work with, and at a hospital where some situations are life and death. One situation that is quite critical is the Lifeflight, which is the helicopter flights that our hospital does. The area I work in fills the flight bags with the needed supplies. We have adult/pediatric and nursery bags.

Right now they are transitioning to new nursery bags, which means supplies are in new places and there are some added and deleted supplies. Currently, the flight time is not authorized to use the new bags and must use the old ones until Monday. They replaced two of the old bags already, which left us with one old bag and two news ones. A flight went out and came back with the old bag. Now, when a bag comes back to our area we go through the whole bag with a checklist of supplies to see what was used and then replace them.

A nursery bag was brought down to our area. We were not informed that the flight team was down to using one bag and since we are short staffed on the weekends, it was set aside for later. The flight team then calls down saying that they are going out on another run and need the nursery bag and wanted to know if it was finished. No, we said it isn't but can you use a new one. No, they couldn't. So, we frantically scrambled to find out what had been used on the last flight from the bag, tried to reorganize the bag, and rushed it out to the waiting helicopter.

This never should have happened. We should have been told there was only one bag. But mostly, there never should have only been one bag. While transitioning to the new bag, they could have left the supplies in the old one, completed the new bags, and then when the flight team started using the new bags remove the old ones. I do not understand what kind of "logic" was used to transition the bags. Bleh.

In other news, I like a boy. :) He's cute and he likes board games. Nothing gets better.

First Person, Present Tense

Walking into the door I meet a man who tells me I must go to the auditorium to find out if I work today. I haven't listened to the radio, tv, or spoken to anyone in the know all morning and early afternoon. I go to the auditorium where I am told to badge in and sit in a chair. We are sitting and I finally find out what is going on. There has been a bomb threat against the hospital I work at and they are completing their final sweep through the hospital to determine if there is a bomb and if we are going to evacuate the building. We are antsy since too many of us are shoved into a too small room, some are scared and nervous. I am not, merely bored. I play a little puzzle game I happen to have in my coat pocket.

They bring us cookies and finally the news that we have the all clear and we are to return to our work stations. I go and get dresses in the ever so flattering scrubs and being working. Later, through an email and the grape vine we find out that a fellow employee called in the bomb threat and that there was no bomb. The fellow employee turned him or herself in; they did not reveal the gender of the person.

Empty

Nothing to say, nothing to say.
Think my creativity left me today

No words, no stories
Not even an inventory

Hold the wheel and drive

I went to Mitchell, SD this weekend, which is home of the Corn Palace, George McGovern, and my two friends from high school. We went to a library dedication, which was dedicated to George McGovern and his wife Elanor. Bill Clinton who worked on McGovern's presidential campaign as one of this first political activities was the keynote speaker.

It was hot that day, with the sun shining onto our faces. A few of us have half sunburned faces, with a line going right down the middle. Red on the right and white on the left. Most attractive. My host, V.V. came down with strep throat right before the arrival of she and her husband's three house guests. She was a bit tired, very sore, and uncomfortable during our visit. I felt very badly for her but because of my concern and my plethera of ideas on certain topics, V.V. said I should be a mother. Quite a scary thought. :)

We played the most fun games while I was there: Balderdash, Lingo, and Chain Reaction. I would run out and buy Balderdash if I ever had people over at my apartment and we played games while they were here. 99.99% of the time that I am in my apartment, I am alone which is not the most opportune time to play boardgames. However, I can play Lingo and Chain Reaction on the Game Show Network website, www.gsn.com . Enjoy!

I also discovered a key difference between skinny people and fat people. Skinny people don't get hungry as often. I was starving while I was there and I noticed they never ate or not nearly as much nor as often as I do. I'm ravenously hungry approximately ever 4-6 hours complete with my tummy growling, aching, and generally wanting to be fed. Also, I think about food all the time, such as when I get to eat next, what I will eat next, things I've eaten before that were quite delicious, etc. I just didn't see this behavior in the thinner people I was visiting. It was strange to feel so different in yet another way. I had another observation while I was there also. The concept of snacks tends to work for thinner people. Hungry between means, have a yogurt, a granola bar, some grapes. However, if I eat that when I am hungry, I am hungry again a half-an-hour later and need to eat a complete meal, and a large complete meal at that.

Also, my car seems on the verge of a breakdown. It doesn't want to start and I thought I was going to be stuck in South Dakota for a while, but I finally got it going. It's going to the garage tomorrow to find out what's wrong with it and get fixed. I am hoping the car only needs a new battery. It's been a while since it had one. Okay, it's probably never had a new one! I'm not much for car maintenance, much to Andrew's complete and utter disappointment. :)

Tall, dark, and handsome gets me every time

I called Andrew the night The Flasher came to my window. I let him know what was going on since he likes to protect me in a fashion. It's cute and I indulge him. He called back later in the week to ask how things were going and if the man had been back. I wasn't home so he left me a voicemail. I called him back and let him know that I hadn't seen The Flasher again and that all seemed well.

We also discussed my request from many weeks ago to have a purely physical relationship. He said no and I agreed with him. He seemed disappointed with my agreement but we moved on. We talked for a while, had a nice conversation and hung up.

I called him the next day to ask him if he still had any of his old pay-as-you-go phones. I know he has like five of them and I wondered if I could have one. He called me back, said I could and that he'd find a way to get it to me on Thursday. He called on Thursday and said he'd be swinging by and if I would be home. I said I would and I waited for him to drop it off. When he arrived, I went outside to his car, and noticed a bag on the seat. It was a phone in a box. Now, Andrew likes to keep a lot of things but packaging is one of the first things to go. I gave him a puzzled face and asked if he kept the box. He said no, that it's a new phone, and that he couldn't find the right charger for the right phone so he just got a new one. I told him he could have mentioned that to me and I could have gotten my own phone. He sort of looked at me weird and said, "It's just a phone." This from a man who had me buy him not one but two pay as you go phones. Weird.

So, I got a new phone. It's pretty cute and it seems to get service by my apartment.
I asked Andrew for our customary hug, which we both enjoy I assume since we both hold on so tight. I pulled away from him and told him I hate my hair, which is at this weird in between stage and it's irritating. I want to grow it out again and complained to him about this issue. He was looking at me with his beautiful face (I think Andrew is nothing short of hot) and I leaned in, nearly falling and landing hard on his lips. They cushioned the blow. :) We kissed, tongues all over, and it was nice.

We're both single adults and it's fun. Plus, this time I didn't cry afterwards. Progress, I'd say. So, I do think I'll NEVER end up in Andrew's bed again as long as I'm single... I'd say it's not probable. I think he and I are destined to be entwined and as long as we can both sort out whose legs and arms those are, we'll be doing all right. We're the odd couple and we're friends. We make the rules and we can break them as long as we are prepared for the consequences. Consequence of kissing Andrew yesterday, so far nothing but an enjoyable moment.

Things I've done lately

Worked
Slept
Laundry
Bought tickets to the Women's Showcase featuring Stacy London from What Not To Wear
Kissed Andrew
Talked to a boy that I have a crush on
Had a penis free week
Decided that my top two schools of choice are Indiana University and University of Hawaii
Bought trail mix
Ate pizza, which I don't normally care for but I had this immense craving
Got a pay-as-you-go phone (originally supposed to get a hand-me-down one from Andrew, but he bought me a whole new one since he's cute sometimes).
Played Literati
Made three or more lists
Decided I need new underwear
Gossipped
Sneezed a lot

Grrrrarrrrr!

I cooked last night. I made mashed potatoes. I added a can of cheese soup, a smidge of cream cheese, and the last of the margerine in my fridge. The margerine and the cream cheese were really efforts to empy out containers and get them out of the fridge. I also added pepper, salt, parmesean cheese, and garlic powder. All in all, they were a success, at least to me since I am the only one who has eaten them.

However, my pride in this accomplishment is dashed by one old hippie man. I went to volunteer today, for Tuesdays I volunteer for the Democrats of my county for approximately 2-3 hours. I enjoy this work because I feel like I am helping and making a difference without being obsessively involved, which I was five or six years ago. I fold letters, stuff envelopes, look up information, and other mundane activities that must get done. Another woman volunteers there full-time and her husband brings her lunch each day, which is really sweet. However, in talking about my cooking adventures, her husband asked why I don't like cooking. I said, I think it's boring and that the list of foods I eat is much shorter than the list of foods I do not eat.

At this statement he called me a spoiled brat. This bothers me. Sure, I get to have a choice in what I eat, how many Americans don't? However, my choices aren't extravagent and it is he who brings his wife lunch from Subway each day, an extra many cannot afford. I am not sitting around spooning caviar onto lavash, I do not eat lobster at each meal. I just am very finicky and it is not enjoyable for me. I cannot help that many foods don't taste good to me and that, in fact, they taste awful. I try everything. I am not closed-minded about trying something new. However, there are many things I just do not like. I don't see how this makes me a spoiled brat.

I do not like being called such a name because I like to think that I am very grateful for all that I have and I know, without a doubt, that I would not have the kind of lifestyle I have if it weren't for my parents. They are my major financial backers and I appreciate that 100%. I am always there for them when they need something or have a project for me to help out on. Grr. This man doesn't even know me and calls me names while I am volunteering. Pisses me off.

Pom poms

I am sweaty and enjoying it. For the second day in a row, I completed the aerobics dvd that I have. I am hoping I can keep this new trend going and do it again tomorrow. So, I have favors to ask all those who read this blog... be my cheerleaders and keep my ass in gear?

I want to be healthy, lose weight, and feel better about my physical being. I know I will never be a size 5, or even a size 12. I am always going to be a larger woman and that is okay with me. However, I know I can be healthier, which does mean being a little smaller. My goal weight is 200 pounds. Now, those of you who have known me a long time, I weighed 200 pounds in 6th grade and I think I looked pretty good. :) If I reach 200 and think I can lose more, I will go for 180. However, I do not beleive I will ever be less than that.

For the sake of my health, I have to take off this weight and eat better. It's a lifestyle change, for which I hope I am ready.

In other news, no more penises have appeared at my window. I consider this good news. Also, concerning the exercise, I purchased something I never thought I'd want to see on my body again, but boy am I glad I did. I bought biker shorts, black, shiny, stretchy but tight biker shorts. It's hard when fat people exercise and your clothes ride up between your legs, leaving the upper part of your thighs rubinng, but with fabric bunched in the middle. The biker shorts have solved this problem and now my thighs glide! Who would have thought?! I aim to get more if I keep up this wonderful workout regime.

Waggle Wiggle

I heard knocking while I was in my office on the computer, but ignored it thinking the sound was coming from my neighbors upstairs. I went out to the kitchen to retrieve the new ink cartridges I purchased for my printer (which are way too expensive). I began pulling them out of the boxes and inserting them into the printer when I heard the knocking again, this time is was too distinct to think it came from anywhere but outside my office window. I opened the blinds and first only saw a reflection of myself, a red long-sleeved shirt, a white peasant blouse over the top, and jeans. Then, I saw out the window and there is was- a white wigging weiner. A man was exposing himself to me and using his forefinger and thumb to waggle his penis. I threw the curtains shut, ran into the kitchen, picked up the phone, grabbed the phone book, and then paused while I look for the number to the police.

I called the cops, spoke to the dispatcher about what had happened, then the Officer called me to say he was on his way, and when he looked around the building, he came into my apartment and asked me some questions.

I am scared now. I felt threatened by that jiggling flaccid flesh. I was shaking as I dialed the police. I didn't want to step back into my office for a while and now I am afraid of when I return at night after work if he'll be waiting for me, to commit some sort of other sexual crime. My parents said they want me to get some pepper spray, a big flashlight, and to be careful. I want to get a taser. :) I am also going to call my apartment managers and let them know what happened, see if anyone else has reported such an incident, and maybe knock on some other apartment doors to let them know what happened.

How is it done?

In a past entry, my friend VV posted a comment wonder where my convictions stem from and how I can be so steadfast in them. Also, VV wondered about how to be less judgemental.

Both answers to both questions/comments are the same answer. Because I've seen what it can do. I falter in many areas in my life, however, there are a few points that I can stick to and I am not sure I deserve kudos for them all. I don't smoke, merely because I can't. I would flop over and die considering I can barely breathe in a smokey room anyway. I don't drink much, because well I don't see a point to that. I can round up that lack of inhibitions, goofy, laugh at everything feeling all on my own, without the calories, without the carbohydrates, and without wondering what I did the previous night. I don't have sex all over the place because I don't want kids, don't want an STD, and well up until a couple of years ago, I'd never had the option. It was only two years ago that I received my first kiss so I am not as experienced as most people my age. Plus, I'm picky about who touches me in even a casual sense so in an intimate setting, you'd better be worth it. I don't use drugs because I've seen what that they do to a person, a family, a life, and the future.

I care for the environment because I live in it and people are going to have to live in for the next however many years we are on the planet. Nor do I see a reason innocent animals should have to suffer even more for our lack of care of our home. Yes, Earth is our home and we pollute it, we dirty and sully it, and don't care because, well, maybe we think no one is coming over anytime soon.

And I do not judge because I have been judged. I have been followed around stores when I had my punk/skate rat phase of dressing because the clerks thought I was a theif, I've been deemed a lesbian, a bitch, an airhead, a bad person for my beliefs, a failure, people have chosen not to talk to me because of what is on the outside of me, men pass me over because of my appearance. etc. And I am not about to do the same to others. Sometimes, those in the scariest packages are the nicest people and wear the dark costumes so they can protect themselves, thus those who are willing to get to know them won't judge them for their hair, their clothes, their piercings. I know people who can appear stupid at first glance, but when you get to know them and their talents, you retract that thought, so why have it in the first place unless they have proven it to you time and again. Also, I am willing to forgive because I make mistakes. And this is not to say that I don't make snap judgements. I do, I just had to learn how to not let those judgements get in the way of knowing the real person.

I am Girl of Approval and if someone wants to look me over, pass me by, think I'm something I'm not, think they can't spend time with me because I am something or am not something, then they miss out on ME and I know that if I do the same thing to someone else, I'll miss out on HIM/HER. And I don't want to do that.

Itching in my soul

I want to cut my hair. I want to tattoo my skin blue. I feel this urge inside to do something different. I don't know what it is, but it has been nagging at me for weeks now. I want to do something interesting, something different, something out of the ordinary and out of character, and I can't think of that THING. It eats at me. I don't know how to satifsfy that urge, that need. I don't think cutting my hair will solve things and will just irritate me. I really don't want to be a Smurf, though they had Communism/Socialism down pat, I don't think I'd get to meet Papa Smurf. Even though, I'd want to date him if I could. He's got that sexy old man thing working for him.

Sigh, sigh, and sigh again. What is this feeling? Do others have it? Yet, I can't make myself get up from this chair, leave this apartment to seek out this THING. Partly, because I am not sure if that thing is found outside of here or inside of me. I want to create, I want to destroy, I want to be art. What do others do when they have this feeling? That you want to crawl out of your skin and bones, and be liquid. That you want to slither along the floor and see the world from a new place, a new form, without walls and boundaries.

Maybe I need to run. Maybe ride. Maybe... really think hard?

Is there calamine lotion for the mind?

More of the same

Here is a continuation of the previous list. Again, nothing is in any particular order. Also, if something doesn't appear on this list, that does not mean I do not love something.

68. Driving
69. Realizing that you don't have to try so hard to fit in
70. Being beautifully flawed
71. Yellow flannel dust cloths
72. Do-It-Yourself Projects that you finish and turn out well
73. A clean apartment
74. Doing my eyebrows so they turn out just right
75. Crazy straws/straws in general
76. Being helpful
77. Bubble baths
78. Trees
79. Pens with fun colored ink
80. 1GB memory cards for my camera
81. Learning
82. Clean laundry
83. Comfortable beds
84. Feeling Alive
85. Sunsets
86. Thick socks
87. People who hold open the door for you
88. People who know when to say please, thank you, and excuse me/pardon me
89. Women and men who don't use the term "slut," "whore," "skank", etc just because a woman likes to have sex or be affectionate
90. Feeling comfortable in my own skin
91. The First Amendment
92. A nice breeze
93. Bridges
94. Being a kid sometimes
95. Respect
96. Having a sanctuary
97. Adoption
98. Pride, self-assurance, and confidence; a triumverate that should not be separated
99. Magazines that have nothing to do with celebrities
100. You, for being here reading this, for being on my journey with me

What's to love

I have a list on www.43things.com. If you search by the name unlearnedsoul, my list will appear.

However, there is something I don't want to add to my list, but that I would like to do here instead. Many other people have a list of 100 things they love and I've decided to start this here. I hope that I will be able to identify some things that will allow me to complete my other goals more quickly and I can keep track of what is really important to me without getting sidetracked by silly and stupid people, things, and ideas.

Here goes and this list is not in any particular order.

The things I love

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Potential
4. Love in all its forms
5. Typwriters
6. The feeling of the sun shine on your face
7. Soft blankets
8. Big sweatshirts
9. Hope
10. Tomorrow
11. Food
12. Sleep
13. Affection
14. Freshly cleaned teeth after the dentist
15. Doing something new and surviving
16. Uplifting movies
17. Furniture
18. Ambition
19. Emotional strength
20. Finding out you are made of more than you thought
21. Ice Cream
22. Swimming
23. The smell of sunscreen
24. Hugs
25. Holding hands
26. Honesty
27. Nightlights
28. Dogs
29. Diet Coke
30. Someone stroking my back
31. Sleeping with your arms wrapped around him and his arms wrapped around you
32. Trying new foods
33. Bargain shopping
34. Books of any kind
35. Sing-along music/slow dance music
36. The smell of the air before it rains
37. The sound of thunder
38. Stuffed animals
39. Word games
40. That moment when a group of people starts laughing really loudly and all at the same time
41. Feeling connected
42. Sitting next to someone with your legs touching, even next to a stranger
43. Burping and farting in front of someone who couldn't care less and doesn't think less of you for it
44. Water
45. Talking to my mom on the phone
46. Writing
47. The feeling after a hot, extra-clean shower
48. Working your muscles and getting dirty at the same time, and seeing some results
49. Crystal Light
50. Silver jewelry
51. Feeling beautiful
52. Peeing with the door open
53. Swimsuits with skirts
54. The new lotion that prevents "thigh burn" when fat girls are wearing skirts or shorts
55. Men who loves BBW's
56. Talking to my dad about everything that he knows and making him laugh
57. Seeing my brother smile
58. Knowing I am capable
59. Giving back
60. Politeness
61. Passion
62. Learning not to compare yourself to others
63. Eating healthy when I actually force myself to do it
64. Postsecret
65. Lotion
66. Doc Martin shoes
67. Low rise pants since I am ever so short waisted, they fit normally!


... to be continued...

Words on speakers eat at me

I have been sick for the past three days. Today I am going to attempt going to work because I am feeling better and because I do not want to take any more days off and do anything to chance my trip out East.

During these two days, I have become bored. Usually, I am not bored and do not understand this concept, which is quite a change from my childhood. I was bored every moment and nothing seemed to satisfty that empty, aching feeling I had. Nothing could relieve the feeling of wanting to take my skin off, fling it around the room, and be free from the bounds of life. So, after watching movies, reading books, playing on the computer, and lying about for three days I found out that I do desire more activity in life. I desire more human contact than just words on a screen or the sound of a voice on the phone. This concept does not apply to old, dear friends. I will gladly take their voices through speakers and their words typewritten than no contact at all.

However, due to the dating site I joined weeks ago, I began a conversation with a young man in Florida. He is intelligent, attractive, and ambitious. But I am appalled by things he has said to me. Now, I love Andrew and I always will. Yet, right now I am not in love with him. I feel for him the way one does a child: protective, proud, happy. No one will dare to speak ill of him, other than myself because I can :), or they will face my anger. This Florida boy asked about past relationships and I related bits of my Andrew story. FL then said that he could not date or marry a woman in a wheelchair, part of it had to do with sex and part of it had to do with the girl not being whole. This is horrible and an unacceptable attitude.

My Andrew is a full man and because his legs do not work does not make his half a person. He has done more with his life than most people who can walk, has experienced more things and has a better view on life than his walking counterparts. This Florida boy lost my respect. Andrew's wheelchair wasn't something I ever saw as this "piece" that was in the way. His wheelchair is a part of him just as those shoes are a part of some other friends or the way they style their hair or the jewelry they always wear. You notice it's there, but that's it, because it's always been there.

Andrew can't walk, not Andrew can't live. Andrew enjoys sensation in terms of sex and to label him or anyone else who is in a wheelchair as unable to do so is unfair. I do not use the term "confined." For, he is not confined. Andrew gets out of his chair each and every day. At the movies, he sits in the theater seat, he lays in a bed, he sits on chairs, etc. He just has to move from one place to the other with the strength of his arms, not legs, abs, and back muscles.

The other thing that Florida told me was how many he'd been with on a sexual level. Now, I am technically a virgin, so maybe my view of things is a bit skewed. I prefer that men have no more than ten sexual partners. I think beyond that you were not in a relationship setting, but were just screwing because it's fun. I believe that is wrong. If you are in a committed, loving, caring relationship I see nothing wrong with connecting on a sexual plain. But if you are just seeking fuck buddies and one night stands, that's gross in my view. Florida is gross in his number. He is beyond the ten, I prefer and sees nothing wrong with his past behavior. I understand people make mistakes, go through phases, and I readily forgive indiscretions, but one must believe that what they did was wrong. Also, Florida calls himself a Christian and he is not living up to his Christian values. Religion can be a fine thing, but not when hypocritical people use it and speak of it.

If one looked in terms of standards of living, I am more Christian than most. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I have not had premarital sex, I promote peace and not war, I care for the environment, have never used drugs, etc. I am atheist. I do and do not do things based upon my own creed, not someone else's.

To the boy who won't date a wheelchair, fine. But how about a girl in a wheelchair. They are two different things and I hope you learn that very soon, especially since you desire to have a career in the medical field. To the boy who has random sexual encounters, I hope you never find yourself in trouble because of that, due to pregnancy, and STD, or your own hurt emotions. And to the boy who declares himself a Christian, I hope you find a real sense of Christianity or at least drop the pretense.

MENtal suits

I was reading Artemis's sister's blog and one of the comments indicated a website called www.dooce.com. The entry mentioned was one on dealbreakers in a relationship, things that you find in, on, or around a man that would mean the end of the date or relationship for you. I read many of the comments and now feel the need to write an entry of mine own. Know this though, I once created a list of what a man had to be or not be in order to be acceptable for me to date him. The list has changed over the years and I suspect will change quite a bit more as I grow as a person and a woman. That's right. I am a woman. I enjoy being called "girl" but in reality I am a woman. So, it's time I admit it. :)

1. My previous list mentioned that men cannot like sports. This has been ammended and a man can like sports, I just prefer that he not be a fanatic about it. Say, it's Sunday and there's a game on, but there's also a family event, I want the man to think nothing of missing the game.

2. Aforementioned list included that a man cannot be religious. I find this unnecessary. As long as he belongs to a religion or spirituality that does not push its beliefs on other people and he is okay with my atheism and does not expect me to attend any meetings or services with him beyond weddings and funerals, it is okay.

3. He must be as tall or taller than I am. I tried the shorter thing and I didn't care for it.

4. I prefer that he be built like a linebacker: strong with muscles but covered in a layer of pudge.

5. I prefer dark hair and I like facial hair. I am not turned off by body hair, even back hair is fine. I'm a hairy girl and there's no reason for me to exclude some man for the very same issue that I have. I try my best to work with it though. I do my eyebrows, bleach things, pluck things, and hope for the best.

6. No Replicans, no pro-lifers, no anti-adoption men, no racists, no sexists, no homophobics.

7. I don't mind tattoos, piercings, weird hair, etc.

8. No men without jobs unless they are wealthy and don't have to work.

9. This is huge, no men who can't drive! I hate that.

10. Guys who don't introduce you to their friends and family are out, out, out.

11. No men who are mean to wait staff, animals, the environment (ie don't and won't recycle, litter, etc) .

12. No men who are dead-set on children. I have not made up my mind and don't want to be stuck with someone who insists on rugrats. However, I would insist on adoption if children are later desired.

That's the list for now. I realize that I should not and do not have to settle for someone who is less than great for me and with me. I watched Phat Girls with Mo'Nique today and I feel some of the very same issues her character Jazmin goes through. You're constantly looking for the guy to find someone better, someone THINNER, and leave you in the dust. And it's time to stop thinking that way. Men are accessories to life. They can jazz it up, but they aren't the whole outfit. You are the whole ensemble and you choose how to dress it.

So, ladies... choose well and wise. Make sure that your man is a worthy accessory. Don't let him detract from what you already have going on by yourself.

What are you doing?

It's the wee hours of the morning and you know what that means? A trip to Wal-Mart, even though I hate Wal-Mart- it's open, some hair dye, 25 minutes, and I'm a raging red head. I like it. It's fun and it's sassy. Today, I received my locks of love thank you card. I almost cried. I felt so special for being able to help. I can't wait to do it again! :) Grow hair, grow! Also, I purchased a small barrel curling iron so I can mess around with that too. I'll become a girl yet someday! ;)

The hole in my arm appears to be growing shut as did the hole that had been in my heart where Andrew used to be. After we had that long talk the other night, I just feel okay and free. I am fine without him and even if I could get back together with him, I wouldn't want to. We don't work and he only holds me back. He needs someone who is more grounded. I mean, I don't want to stick around here forever. I have some living to do and some of it should occur outside of North Dakota. Though, I did perhaps back pedal the other day. I asked Andrew if he'd mind having a purely physical relationship. I'm all for that. He is taking some time to think about it. But if I know him, the answer is no. And that's okay. At least I asked for what I truly wanted and didn't shy away from it.

That was my favorite part of our relationship anyway, the physical affection, and that's not a good basis for a healthy relationship. I think we made it work for a lot longer than either of us thought we would.

I advised my parents that I would be driving myself to the airport for my upcoming trip to New York. Because I would not allow them to drive eight hours there, then eight hours home again, then eight hours there, and then eight hours back home again, they want to drive me to South Dakota in October when I visit some friends. They said, "So you can get some sleep." I appreciate the offer, but I am confused. Do they enjoy spending time with me that much? Must they feel needed by me and if they aren't feeling needed enough, they will find their own ways to gain that feeling? Or do they mistrust me and my abilities to conquer certain feats? I wonder if I should ask them what's up or just accept this offer of a ride... besides, then I don't have to pay gas money, hotel money, etc. :)

I'll have to ponder.

It's morning and I'm sleeping

I received a call this morning. The number on the caller ID has the same prefix as Andrew's number. In my sleepy state, I thought maybe he had changed numbers and was calling me. However, the news was much better than it being Andrew on the other line. I received the results of the biopsy and they were negative. I do not have cancer or any other anomalies. Yea!!!!

That is a great wake-up call. I also have today off, so I plan to bum around all day and do nothing. Though, I really do need to clean my apartment. It's gross. I need to run the vacuum around the apartment. Some how I wound up with Kix cereal all over my bedroom floor. I don't want to know what I do when I am home alone. Wait... I am always home alone. I know, I eat dry cereal in bed. :)

I guess this is going to be a short entry. Just had to make note of the no cancer excitement! :)

Steps on down and steps on up

I am missing a part of myself. The part I am missing is not spiritual or to be seen as a metaphor. I am literally missing a piece of myself; it's in a lab. A piece of my flesh, darker than the rest, and atypical of me. So, now that I have a divot in my arm, I am waiting for the test results to return. I have a week to wait while the lab techs looks for melonoma or cancer cells . I'm a little nervous and my arm hurts a little bit.

I ordered my ticket for my trip in November. I am so nervous. I hope this works out. I've never been on a vacation without my parents. Though, they did want to drive eight hours just to take me to the airport and pick me up from the airport. I guess they aren't sure I can trust others to get me there? That or they aren't ready to let go. I think it's more the latter.

I also want to take a trip to visit some friends in South Dakota. I haven't seen them in a long time and they are going to be dedicating a library on the campus that one of them works at. I mean, a library!!! :) How great does it get? It gets even greater! Bill Clinton is supposed to be there. Ah hell, I'm in a love with this trip idea already. :)

I also want to head out to Minneapolis for a weekend or two before winter decides to sit on us and not let us breathe. I haven't done that yet and I am not sure why. I guess it seemed like such a big deal to me before. Now, it's just three-fours hours of driving time and gas money that I need to have, not the courage to take on the world and tackle seven phobias in one ride.

I want to get back in politics. Maybe I'll never be super involved and be at the hub of things, but I would like to feel as if I am making a contribution to something I believe in. So, I am going to email my local Democrats and tell them I can help.

Phone unsex

Had a 2 1/2 hour conversation with Andrew on the phone. It was enlightning and disheartning at the same time. I finally got the answers I've been needing. But I also finally got him to say that he can't be with me right now and doesn't know when he can. He understands why I can't be friends. It's for the very same reasons he can't date me again. It's an awful scenario.

I love him. He loves me. And we are destined not to be.

I miss him greatly. I try to fill his space with other men and it doesn't work. I try to fill my thoughts with other things and it doesn't work. He still has my everything.

We finally agreed that he and I could not be any more opposite if we tried, surface opposites and mental/emotional opposites. White and Black, Female and Male, Able Bodied and Disabeled, Young and Old, Space Cadet and Observational, Reading and Cars, Inexperienced/Naive and Experienced, the list goes on and on. How we even became friends in the first place amazes me.

I love him now as I did when we were in the fabulous honeymood period of our relationship. However, moving on is still going on. I never stopped moving on from him, from our relationship.

I went over some of the schools I chose with my parents this weekend. I am still waiting for more information from there. I am planning a couple more trips for this fall/winter. I am trying to get into a class at work. I am working on a number of projects. Life moves on, just without Andrew and I being Andrew and I.

Here comes the bride

Well, I kind of missed that part of the ceremony. Okay, I missed all of the ceremony but five minutes. I did not leave town on time and was a half-hour late getting into town. Apparently, I also believe that when one arrives into my hometown that the rules of North and South no longer apply. I went to the North part of town when I should have went South, and there were so many cars on the South Side that getting to the church took ten or fifteen more minutes than it usually would have. But I arrived to see the couple announced as husband and wife, which was nice.

They make a lovely couple and I hope they have many years of happiness. I must admit that when I attend weddings I am cynical. I always wonder how long the marriage will last before they get divorced. I do not want them to split but wish them a long, happy marriage. My point of view is tainted with statistics, celebrity marriage failings, and a negativity that continues to trail with me from adolescence.

I shook my hips, waved my arms, wiggled my booty, and sweated bountiful amounts. I had fun and I even found the courage to ask some guy I've never met to dance. I was turned down, but that does not take away from the progress of me asking someone else to dance. He was incredibly shy also. I heard stories from the bride.

Also, I enjoyed my outfit. I usually tolerate dressing up, but the outfit I had on was more comfortable than pajamas.

Another note, I miss Andrew. :P

I stepped in a pile of yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day.

I went to work and did my job. Towards the end of my shift I was called into the office and asked about how I trained someone on a certain duty. A complaint or maybe even more of a comment had been received about how I had done the job of training and I defended myself explaining what I had one. I don't know if I was believed, but the matter was dropped. The interesting thing about this commenplaint is that the trainee was not the one to speak up, another unnamed third party was. I am confused by this and irritated. I am still upset by this and am confused as to why I am even training anyone. I haven't even been at this job six months and I am training. This job has no guidelines for training, none. It's horrible and the employees are treated like disposable gloves. Used once, tossed into the garbage, and never seen again.

Then, I called Andrew last night. That was my own doing, but I missed him. I love him still. He said that he still has the same feelings for me and that he probably always will, and that I may also. He said that time may lessen those feelings, but there are no guarantees. Damnit, I can't deal with feeling this way about this man. I know I should not adore him, but I do. I hear his voice and I am in love all over again. He is kind and caring. He asked me before I went back to my hometown if I still had my cell phone, the actual phone, because he wanted me to charge it up and know that I can still dial 911 with it. He said he didn't want anything to happen to me and that I should be safe.

Then, I had been chatting with this man I met on the dating site I joined for the past week. It was nothing serious, just two lonely people who were enjoying each other's "company." We knew that there was no potential, but enjoyed talking to each other on-line. However, we were both in a bad mood and misinterpreted our words. He ended up just leaving the conversation.

All this made me cry. I felt unloved. I felt awful. I felt incapable. I felt that I wanted to get out of this town and move on. But yet I felt I wanted to move beyond this realm and onto the next, whatever it may be. But I hung on, read a book through my tears when the crying subsided into just waterworks and not heaving sobs. I ate some cereal, talked to a friend and we both commiserated at our poor relations with the opposite sex.

Then, I put on a ring. It's a ring I've had for years. But I assigned new meaning to it. It's a reminder to me; I am not ready to date. I am not over that Andrew man. I am still raw and sore from his love. I have a major goal that I wish to obtain and I want no one, not even myself standing in the way. I want more education and the kind that comes with books and classrooms, not life's lessons. Those come without planning.

Plus, I am going on a trip in November and I have never been on a trip like this one. Vacations have always been spent with my parents and it's time I get to venture out into the world alone for part of it and with a great friend for the rest.

So, I stepped in a pile of yesterday but I am not bringing yesterday to today. Today, I am a free, single woman with goals and ambitions. Today, I am loving myself and not some man who doesn't deserve what I have.

P.S. I heard some information about Dr. Nordic God. He had a heart attack and then some kind of heart surgery. He is officially back to work this week. Now that I know this information, I don't care. He was nothing but a distraction from Andrew. Now, I am to be my own distraction.

Syrup smoke and simple smiles

It felt illegal. Maybe it should be? I brought my ID, but it wasn't necessary. Seems funny. I am carded for movies, but not buying cigarrettes. Before you wonder, why is she buying those?! I'll explain. I have a friend; he is my one friend who smokes. He was having a bad day, broke, and needed to smoke. I had money, a car, and I am over 18. So, I purchased the cancer sticks for him. Though, I told him I disapproved, but he would have found them one way or another.

I brought them to him. He instantly lit up. His muscles released the tight hold they had on his shoulders and his eyes went from angry lizard slits to open, friendly almonds. It was interesting to watch the transformation. He smoked three in a row and then inhaled the night air, to clear his lungs of the horrid smoke and to release the leftover tension into the sky. There is more than enough room in the sky.

I joined a dating site for Big, Beautiful Women because I am big, and I know I should think I'm beautiful, and I am a woman. So, put three and three together and I joined. I am not sure why I did it. I'm not looking for anything. I have so many other things going on in life that a man can only be a distraction. I'm not even over Andrew. Beautiful, sexy, Andrew. I think of him and know I should think poorly of him, at least in some ways. But I never seem to get there. I see his smile in my mind and I swoon again. I feel his hands on my back and I am melting into his flesh. His cocoa skin is turning my pale skin into an iced latte right now. Those memories are cold.

I am going on a trip in November. :) I am so excited. And this weekend, I am going to my hometown to watch an old friend marry, marry a kind of man she always said she didn't want. Funny how that happens.

Packing up the relationship

In a box, the symbol of love in red and gold. In my mind, all I see is a heart I couldn't hold. In a bag is sexy in a box, in a bottle, and a bit of lace and again, I see a heart I couldn't hold. In the closet, far away, a monkey who kept watch over the owner of the heart I couldn't hold. Its fur still smelling of his skin.

I packed all this in the grocery sack he packed my things in. I gathered my courage and my strength, and said I can't have this anymore. It just reminds me of him and I need to move on from him. I went to his place. My stomach lurched before I even entered the elevator. My own up and down movement without the ride. The door was ajar at his place, I knocked, heard nothing, and entered. He was not there, the apartment empty of life, but not of things. Stilly filled with so many things. A man who thinks he can buy happiness, but finds that with each purchase all he did was bring home another burden. He enters the apartment with laundry soap and a denim shirt in his lap.

I come out from the bedroom at the sound of his voice, my own chipper as I say hello back. Andrew looks wonderful. I've always found him so attractive and handsome. I tell him why I came. To give back the things he gave me, all accept two items I chose to keep. His shoulders hunch, his face drops, and he is sad. I pick up the bag handles and announce I'll take it back home. He says that he wouldn't have given it to me if he didn't want me to have it. I replied that it's just to hard to have around, that it reminds me of him. He brings up how I said we can't be friends, that I was the one who said we can't be friends. I ask him what that has to do with giving back his things. He said nothing, just that I said that. I told him I stand by what I said, that I can't be his friend because it's too hard. We stand there longer, he put his arm out, reaching to hug me. I go to him, he embraces me.

I want to tell him he smells good, his cologne wafting up as we touch. We let go and I cry. I turn away from his to compose myself and to wipe the tears away. My hands smell of his cologne. He puts his hand on my arm, a comforting gesture. He looks at me, I look at him and time passes.

We kiss. Deep and long. His hand holds the back of my head against his lips. We kiss. Finally, we extract ourselves and become two again. I leave, my lip raw from rubbing against his mustache. As soon as I see him, my body responds. I went home with a bag of his stuff in my car.

I am going to take his weed eater and shove it up his ass. It's fucking 8am in the morning and I am trying to sleep.


Like, there are people who don't work 8 to 5 and need to get some rest. Grr

Tastefully Simple

I look around this room and I am surrounded by stuff. I don't want this stuff to be what makes me happy. I want to be fulfilled without having to fill rooms and rooms full of things. Yet, I can't seem to stop being a good consumer girl. I want to buy more clothes, more stuff, more things to fill all these rooms.

I have a closet full of clothes. Nothing more will fit in there; I do not need more clothes. In my office, the walls are filled with brightly colored toys, some dark, ominous looking toys, and pictures but not of people I love, but of things.

I understand that humans like to surround themselves with things they find pretty, such as art, flowers, etc. I understand that we like to make ourselves feel good with the things we have. But if all I have is stuff to make myself feel good I am missing something in my life. I am not fulfilled by myself alone. And at this point, I am all I have to fulfill myself.

Question is, how do I get to the point where I don't feel the need to stuff my apartment full of things, but instead stuff my mind with information, my heart with feelings, and my diary with adventures? I'm not sure.

But in the mean time, I feel guilty if I get rid of all the things people have spent time and money to give me.

I want to live more simply, but either I put obstacles in the way or there are roadblocks standing before that I am not sure I want to tackle. I would like to ride my bike to work, but I don't get off work until nearly midnight and it's not safe for me to ride home in the dark. I want to eat more whole foods, such as fruits and vegetables, but I tend to gravitate towards chemicals, preservatives, and unnatural substances. Though, I can't give up my sugar free beverages. Diabetics need tasty drinks, too. Sometimes buying things makes me happy and you wonder, why deny myself a bit of happiness? So, you pull out the check card and spend.

Well, I have no water in my apartment and need to have something to eat before I go. I'm off to a restaurant which I live two blocks from and I will be driving there since I have to go to work afterwards. A construction crew is tearing up the road in front of my apartment, which has caused the water to become nothing but a trickle.

Words on a screen

I discovered an old diary I used to keep. Well, it's not really that old, maybe a year to two years, but my how things change. Before, I used to write to impress not to express. It's very important for me to write out how I am feeling. It keeps me sane. I used keep another on-line journal for nearly two years, but again that was to impress. I didn't always write how I felt, but more so how I thought I should feel. It was a lot of "shoulds" and not actually reality. But now, I get it out. Somethings I choose not to write about because I cannot exact change in those areas.

For example, I dislike our president immensely. As of right now, there is nothing I can do about it. The next candidates have not been announced and I do not have any money to donate to anyone or group who can get his ugly monkey face out of the White House by impeaching him. Second, I am pro-choice. I will even go so far as to say I believe in killing babies because I want the anti-choice folk to realize that I know and acknowledge what abortion is, on their terms. So, killing babies inside the womb, if that's what needs to happen to prevent another unwanted child from being born, so be it. There are so many stories of abuse, neglect, and poor parenting that I would think those anti-choice groups' time would be better spent helping to create better lives for those already here and not worry so much about who is not here yet.

Anti-choice people like to argue that well if "your mom had an abortion you wouldn't be here." Well, in my belief system I wouldn't ever know that I wasn't here and that's that. I don't see how that's some magical statement that's meant to change my mind. However, I am elated at the FDA's approval of Plan B as an over-the-counter medication. That's great news for women and their bodies. Those under 18 cannot buy the pills without a doctor's note, but I read that depending on the girl's body and physical maturity, her body may not react well to the drug. I am not sure I buy that and do see it as another way to control the youth of America.

This next topic sort of ties it. I recently met a man around my age who does not believe in dinosaurs and does not believe in evolution. I did not argue when he said he does not believe in evolution, that is something many people discount as merely theory. However, dinosaurs? What are all those bones then? He claims to be a Christian, yet has one of the worst attitudes I've ever encountered. He has no real knowledge about the history of Christianity and takes everything as a literal idea. I fear for this young man's future because he could be taken advantage of due to his naivity and willingness to believe things that he's never researched, that he's never taken the time to seek out answers for himself. He is also one of the angriest people I've ever met and some day his temper will get him into trouble, of which no one can get him out.

I am hungry. I want pancakes. Again. :)

It's a mish-mash of hodgepodge

Here are some fun websites I like to visit and want to share with anyone who happens to read this blog.

http://www.43things.com/

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

http://www.ghostsofnorthdakota.com/

http://www.quotegarden.com/

http://www.dribbleglass.com/

In other news, there is no other news.

Today was my day off; I cleaned, read, and slept. All in all, not very productive.

I am glad I never got a tattoo. I don't want one either.

I've been having really weird dreams lately, disturbing in fact. I prefer being awake to having those dreams. In the last dream, this black girl kept trying to beat me up, I would walk in this downtown area and all the business doors would close themselves and lock me out on the steet, then I rode a humpback whale. No idea what it all means.

Here is a list of things I like-
1. Bubble baths
2. Fans-I like the noise and the cool air
3. Nail files
4. Wearing shorts
5. The feeling of clean sheets
6. Soft blankets
7. Of thinking I look cute sometimes and not completely hideous

That's enough. Signing off.


8.
6.

Random Pieces of Life

This guy from work invited me over to his apartment last night to hang out. It was cool to receive such an invitation because it means I made a friend on my own. I consider "friends" those I hang out with outside of work. There is nothing romantic in this invitation, just to inform you.

This young man made me realize that I am no longer angry. I don't have this weight of hate and irritation at the world and he does. I feel serene when I am happy. I feel calm. I am glad to be able to say that I've even felt those things. I know it was only moments before that I felt on the brink of that black edge of depression, where it consumes you and it's what you become. But I know what I can be, what life can be. His music is filled with anger and frustration, and while I once used to listen to that music and indentify, I no longer feel that same hostility rising in me when I hear it. I hope one day he finds peace within himself.

I've been researching graduate schools and looking at housing costs in those towns. I am trying to be the one in control of my destiny this time whereas before I left some of the research up to my mom and dad. They shouldn't have done that because it separated me from my goal. It made the steps from A to Z disappear. I know they were only trying to help but now, I am asking them for a different kind of help.

I don't think I want to date right now, but I do want to be wanted. It sucks to once have that feeling that someone thought you were great, sexy, smart, and all those other lovely adjectives that give you warm fuzzies inside and then to have all those adjectives taken away from you. Yes, yes, I should feel all those about myself without someone telling me, but it's nice to hear from someone who loves you or claims that he loves you. ;) But as far as dating goes, I don't think I want to give someone my heart for a long time. The next time around, I need to ensure that he deserves it.

While walking down the corridor of the hospital, I heard a little boy say this to his dad. "I don't want to go nigh nigh. No nigh nigh." Dad: "You don't have to go night night now, we're going to see your sister." Boy: "Can I stay up forever?" Dad: "Sure." The boy jumps in the air with glee. "I never have to go nigh nigh." A very happy three year old, indeed. Wait until he finds out he can't stay awake forever. Oy.

Uh...

It was a creature that I had no control over and it seemed to get bigger. I feared it would escape its holding tank. Finally, I conquered the beast. I finished washing all items that made up the 3x4 foot pile of laundry in my storage closet. I am proud of this fact. It has taken me since winter to complete this task.

I am also doing better with paying my bills on time. I still hate checking the mail, but I know that I must do it. I tend to receive nothing but bills and junk mail neither of which are incentives to check the mail.

I am on this kick of wanting to rid my apartment of so much stuff. I don't even know what it all is and perhaps it could be stored elsewhere, given away, sold to someone else, or just... well, reorganized or thrown. My closets are disasters. I have way too many "project" t-shirts, which means the shirts are too small or too stained for regular wear and can only be donned when I working on something that may stain, rip, sully, or otherwise mar decent looking clothing. Most of my whites are no longer white, they are beige, almost jaundiced looking. I'd prescribe phototherapy for them if I thought it would help. However, I am afraid of that wondrous product: bleach. It seems I always get it every place I don't want it and wind up with my colors lighter and my whites brightly colored. Part of the problem is that my armpits sweat, a lot. A white shirt has yellow spots after one wearing. Eventually, colored shirts will have weirdly colored armpits due to the deodorant and the sweating. I'm such a lovely girl. :)

I am lost in black and white.

I read this, http://postsecret.blogspot.com/#114942490829092819, website every Sunday. My friend Artemis introduced me to it and now I am addicted. I was making a postcard to send in, but then decided that I am not sure that this secret should remain annonymous.

I think if people knew my secret they would understand a little more about me. My secret is not serious, it's not very funny, but it's a little weird. It leads back to when I was five and I made a vow. I vowed to marry a man of a different race. In doing so, I am discriminating against people of my own race: white men. I am usually very skeptical when hearing about reverse-racism, but I was five and didn't know that I was excluding anyone by making this vow.

However, my secret deals with this very vow and the topic of racism. I feel racist if I don't date black (or other men of color) men. I have felt awful for liking white men. I continue to feel badly if I like white men. Though, the feeling is fading, but ever so slowly. Thoughts come into my mind, if I do marry a white man then I have to adopt black children just to make up for the lack of color in the relationship. I must prove my acceptance of other people by excluding other people?

I am lost in this quandry.

I am going to wash that man right outta my hair

Andrew returned my call, saying, "That's not fair." He just didn't get that it didn't have anything to do with him being at work, it didn't have anything to do with him being busy, etc. It had to do with I wanted his attention, his time, I wanted him to want me, and he didn't. He never really did.

I told him that he never calls me on his own volition unless he wants something. He couldn't see this. I told him that I was just trying to tell what I felt and why. He said I was just making him the bad guy. He suggested that if he has time this coming week, he'll give me a call and "I'll make sure I don't ask you for anything." Ouch. That hurt and I told him so. He didn't get it. He said that I can make the statement and it's okay, but that he can't say it because then it's not okay. I said it was about the way he said it, not what he said. I told him that I understand how his friend Heidi sometimes tells him that he makes her feel stupid when he explains thing to her. At first, he didn't get the correlation, but then I said I think he does that to me, whether it's intentional or not.

I can't believe I wasted my time on that man. I told him that I can't just be his friend. I told him I can't do it. He didn't seem to understand. I no longer wish to talk to him, even on a friendly basis.

This morning, the wife of the doctor who owns the business where Andrew works called and said that last week I went behind the counter and that I can't do that anymore, that I am not allowed to come to the business unless I am a customer. I told her it wouldn't happen again, that she need not worry.

After I got off the phone with Andrew last night, I returned a phone call to Mr. Nix. He had left me a message so I called him back, clearly upset. I desired to get off the phone, not wanting to cry on the phone again with him, not wanting to burden him with my shitty problems anymore. But he insisted I stay on the phone and I am glad he did. He helped put some things in perspective for me, helped me see things I wouldn't have seen on my own and hadn't taken note of yet. Andrew is emotionally unavailable and that's not my fault. I can't change that fact about Andrew, he doesn't like himself and that's his problem. If he's this old and can't get his shit together and can't fucking date a 25 year old, which is a bit easier to do than dating someone his age since I have quite fewer expectations, he's got issues. Mr. Nix said that I am a good person and that someone will love me, someone who deserves me. I needed to hear that. There's so much pressure around here to get married, have kids, get the career going, etc, and to feel like you're failing in every avenue is horrible. But I'm not failing.

Andrew is gone. I am going to recover from him. Mr. Nix told him that I can love him and be content with the fact that I love him and not receive anything back. This is true.

Anyway, time for me to really work on me. Andrew is going to be dumped from my thoughts each time he enters. I shall mentally dump water on him, I shall tip him out of his chair, anything for me to release the irritation I feel at him and myself. Myself, because I begged and I never should have done that. I begged for a man who has nothing to offer me. Makes no sense.

So, time to make sense. Time to get active in life and get going.

I'm a loser

All three hours from my parents' house to my apartment, I day dreamed about kissing Andrew, about Andrew's hands carressing my skin. I made a up a day dream that started when I surprised him at his apartment or when I dropped in on him at work. I drove by his work and they didn't look too busy (one car out front minus the workers' cars). I stepped in and immediately got a hand, palm forward, in my face. A stop gesture. I stopped and he made a shh signal. I hushed and stopped.

I waited in the reception area for him to finish a phone call he had to make, then walked up to say hello. He inquired as to what I wanted, gave me a look as to why am I bothering him at work again. I said I just wanted to talk to him when he was coherrent rather than when I wake him up around midnight, the only chance I have to call him and catch him at home. He said he was pretty busy tonight and that they were closing soon and he had to get some stuff done. The doctor in the background was on the phone and I could hear her talking. Earlier, she had introduced herself to me. She seemed familiar and I finally figured it out. I told Andrew I wanted to speak with her because I thought I knew her sister. When I stepped behind the counter to wait for her, he said I was not allowed behind the counter (where I have been several times before) due to confidentialty. I stopped, looked at hime, and said I'd just leave. He said that it was just because... and I didn't let him finish. I walked out saying I'd just leave.

I left and I cried. I have begged that man for any morsel of attention, for any amount of love and affection he can show me and I always wind up getting turned down, getting nothing. When I got home, I called his apartment and left a message on his machine, "It's me. I give up. I won't call you anymore, I won't stop by where you work. I get the point. Bye."

It makes me feel so horrible that I am not even wanted by Andrew. I disgust myself in how I've thrown myself at him, how I've begged him to love me, to even like me just a little, and still I get nothing. I feel so worthless. I gave him my everything and I can't even get a crumb from him.

But that is enough. I can't be his friend. I was lying to myself when I said that. Maybe in the future, but right now it's all to fresh. Grrarrr.

VFW

I am not a social person by nature. People do not seem to understand that statement. Around those I already know, I am fine. In small groups of people, I am fine. I do not like large crowds filled with people I don't know when I don't have someone I can lean on, when I don't have someone to "hold" my hand, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively.

Some people just do not understand this information and insist I am being a baby or that I should just get out of my comfort zone. Tonight, my co-workers insisted that I go with them to see our fellow co-workers's band play at a bar. I really hate bars. They are smokey, they are filled with drunk people who are obnoxious, they are loud (the opposite of me and the environments I like to be in), and they are filled with people I don't know. The band was a heavy metal band, music I don't care for, complete with the screaming "lead singer."

After much pestering and being told I was going whether I wanted to or not, I agreed to go. But added the stipulation that if I needed to leave I could, no questions asked. So, I went. It was smokey, loud, filled with people I didn't know (and most likely, don't want to know or will never know), filled with drunk people, and I was already nervous. I managed to stay for about an hour before I couldn't take it anymore.

I walked out of the bar and breathed deeply, one because it was finally air I could actually breathe, and two because I was no longer trapped in that place. I walked to my car quickly and got in, feeling as if I had escaped. I said goodnight to no one, just left. I hope they understand that I wasn't up for goodbyes. While driving back to my apartment I began shaking, then crying, and then shaking again. The adrenaline was spiking and yet wearing off at the same time. My body was in shock. I called my friend Mr. Nix who had left a message on my voice mail. His soothing voice calmed me down. I felt better after I talked to him. But before I called him, I called my parents and told them I had changed my mind, again. I was going to go home for the weekend and I was leaving tonight, well this morning- early.

So, I finish this, I think I am finished packing, I have cd's, and I think I am okay to go. I have to get gas and fuel for me before I leave, but sometimes you just need to go home-where being a baby isn't a bad thing.

Eavesdropping

In the emergency room, two teen boys sit side by side waiting to see the doctor. One looks completely fine, but the other holds his arm strangely. While his palm sits on his leg, the bone from the left side of his forearm sticks up in the air. Something is definitely wrong with this young man.

Both are dressed in black, both have on stocking caps in the middle of the summer, and of course, this makes them both "tough," or it does in the minds' of 15 year-old boys. They wear spikey jewelry as if this makes them like jagged pieces of metal and if this makes them porcupines and gives them one more defense against the outside world. Yet, it does. Certain people won't approach them, won't talk to them, and will never be their friends because they have leather bracelets with metal poking out of them, because they have on black hats with skulls on them, and because these boys are trying to figure out what it means to be a man yet with nothing manly to do in their lives.

The one with the askew arm talks, "That concert was so wicked. It was so awesome when Shinedown did '45'." The other boys nods in agreement and repeats the words wicked and awesome, because as 15-year old friends they must think alike. Arm askew says one more thing, "That concert was totally worth a broken arm." That is youth fervor. That is enthusiasm. And somethings are totally worth a broken arm and the stories that goes with it.

Unlisted

1. I have not heard from Dr. Nordic God- he hasn't opened the last email I sent him.

2. I am going to visit with the librarian at the hospital tomorrow to speak with her about being a medical librarian. Hopefully, it's another step towards my goal of getting my master's in library science. How awesome would it be if there were an opening in the library. It'd be fucking awesome, that's how awesome.

3. Last night, Andrew called me and left a message on my voice mail saying I needed to call him as soon as I got home. While I dialed and waited for him to pick up, I worried. However, his request was strange until I understood what wanted. He asked if I had a checkbook. I said I did. He asked if I could write a check for $30 to his phone company, he'd bring me the $30 tonight when he picked up the check. I said sure, that would be fine. He doesn't have a checking account and it was too late for him to buy a money order at the grocery store or anywhere else for that matter. He'd received a call that said if he didn't pay his bill, they were going to shut his phone off. I'm the helpful sort, so I wrote out a check. However, since I slightly mistrust him I offered to ride with him to the phone company to drop off his bill. He agreed to the offer and away we went, bass thumping into the night. When he dropped me off at my apartment after the bill was dropped in the little box, I hugged him, and we kissed again. This time, no tongues went dancing. Just lips soft and simple against each other.

4. I am very bored with my life right now. I feel stuck in the middle of something, in a holding pattern. I mean, I shouldn't complain because life isn't being totally shitty but at the same time, there's a lack of adventure and I don't know how to fix that. I'm not stable enough to move anywhere, I don't have the money to do so, there are no new boys on the horizon who always add something interesting to life, there are no new job prospects, just me figuring out what to eat for breakfast every day, showering, and picking out clean underwear.

5. My ex-roommate got engaged a few weeks ago. I am quite happy for her, but it makes me feel behind. She found a nice guy and they mesh very well. She has a real job and a job in which she is trained, and I guess I just wonder when it's my turn. But, I am excited since I do get to be in another wedding and wear a fun dress. I asked if I could be the flower girl, but I was shot down on that idea; same with wanting to be the ring-bearer.

6. Women tend to find me sweeter, cuter, and just all over better than men do. It's weird. Too bad I'm not a lesbian, I could charm the pants off some chicks in no time.

7. I was considering going home this weekend, but with gas prices as high as they are and with all the activities I need to do here, such as clean, laundry, clean, laundry, clean, laundry, etc., I should really stay. Well, I'll discuss that option later with the folks who are quite fond of me and like it when I visit. I enjoy it too. I get chocolate chip pancakes and get to watch massive amounts of cable. :) Plus, my parents live there too. And sometimes my brother makes an appearance. He's like a walk-on celebrity cameo in a movie, you see him as he is, he says hi into the camera, and then he's gone.

8. I placed a personal on Yahoo personals just for shits and giggles, because that's probably all the reaction I'm going to get from it. The guy will either shit or giggle, "yeah, right tubby." I know the drill. Being fat, overweight, obese, choose your adjective, isolates you socially. You never get set up with guys your friends know, people look at you eat when you're in restaurants and give that head shake that says, "you shouldn't eat that." People don't hold the door open for you, guys don't smile and say hello as you walk down the hall, shopping is embarrassing when you are relegated to that one section in the store or have to go to Lane Bryant where your choices are slim, leaving you unable to express yourself through the clothes you wear the way small people can, you have to worry about smelling because sweat and bacteria get caught in the folds of fat that you have, you can't see behind your own leg to see if you shaved it all, and you don't approach men yourself because you could offend them, leading them to hurting you. Because it's easier to hurt a fat person's feeling that it is to hurt their body. We already hate our bodies. And to do something about it? Harder than quitting smoking, heroin, etc. Most people who lose weight, gain it back and then some. Eating gives us a high, a comfort zone, and food always loves us. It doesn't judge.

It's been quite a day

I called Andrew to ask him what kind of friend he is, I really meant to berate him. I did my best to do so. We made plans for lunch for Saturday. We met up at Perkins, which was odd since it was the very Perkins Andrew met my parents for the first time. We ordered, we talked, and it was nice. I viewed him as he is, an older man who is still trying to steady his life.

He said he had a present for me. I went out to his car with him when we were done eating. I helped him get his wheelchair into the car and managed to hit myself in the face with it while doing so. (I seem to be hitting myself in the face quite a bit-the power went out last night and while I was searching in the dark for my flashlight, I hit my mouth on the corner of my dresser). After, we finally got the chair in the car. I leaned down to hug him as I always do when I leave his presence. Except this time, when I leaned down, there was a look in his eye. I hugged him again and he kissed my cheek. So, I looked into his face and kissed his lips with mine. Soon, our lips were parting and our tongues were slow dancing. We stopped and started once more. Kissing him always felt so good and it felt good this time, too. I walked away feeling full and satisfied, and it wasn't just because of the pancakes.

He turned me on with those two kisses and I want more. I always did want more from him after a kiss.

Speaking of wanting more, I emailed Dr. Nordic God. I wrote that I am taking his lack of reply as a silent rejection, but that I would prefer a formal rejection since I hate the unknown. I added that if I was just being impatient, he can chalk it up to one of my many faults. I wished him well in his recovery. I know that whatever happens, I gave it a shot. I won't have to wonder "what if," which can be such an uplifting feeling.