Steps on down and steps on up

I am missing a part of myself. The part I am missing is not spiritual or to be seen as a metaphor. I am literally missing a piece of myself; it's in a lab. A piece of my flesh, darker than the rest, and atypical of me. So, now that I have a divot in my arm, I am waiting for the test results to return. I have a week to wait while the lab techs looks for melonoma or cancer cells . I'm a little nervous and my arm hurts a little bit.

I ordered my ticket for my trip in November. I am so nervous. I hope this works out. I've never been on a vacation without my parents. Though, they did want to drive eight hours just to take me to the airport and pick me up from the airport. I guess they aren't sure I can trust others to get me there? That or they aren't ready to let go. I think it's more the latter.

I also want to take a trip to visit some friends in South Dakota. I haven't seen them in a long time and they are going to be dedicating a library on the campus that one of them works at. I mean, a library!!! :) How great does it get? It gets even greater! Bill Clinton is supposed to be there. Ah hell, I'm in a love with this trip idea already. :)

I also want to head out to Minneapolis for a weekend or two before winter decides to sit on us and not let us breathe. I haven't done that yet and I am not sure why. I guess it seemed like such a big deal to me before. Now, it's just three-fours hours of driving time and gas money that I need to have, not the courage to take on the world and tackle seven phobias in one ride.

I want to get back in politics. Maybe I'll never be super involved and be at the hub of things, but I would like to feel as if I am making a contribution to something I believe in. So, I am going to email my local Democrats and tell them I can help.

Phone unsex

Had a 2 1/2 hour conversation with Andrew on the phone. It was enlightning and disheartning at the same time. I finally got the answers I've been needing. But I also finally got him to say that he can't be with me right now and doesn't know when he can. He understands why I can't be friends. It's for the very same reasons he can't date me again. It's an awful scenario.

I love him. He loves me. And we are destined not to be.

I miss him greatly. I try to fill his space with other men and it doesn't work. I try to fill my thoughts with other things and it doesn't work. He still has my everything.

We finally agreed that he and I could not be any more opposite if we tried, surface opposites and mental/emotional opposites. White and Black, Female and Male, Able Bodied and Disabeled, Young and Old, Space Cadet and Observational, Reading and Cars, Inexperienced/Naive and Experienced, the list goes on and on. How we even became friends in the first place amazes me.

I love him now as I did when we were in the fabulous honeymood period of our relationship. However, moving on is still going on. I never stopped moving on from him, from our relationship.

I went over some of the schools I chose with my parents this weekend. I am still waiting for more information from there. I am planning a couple more trips for this fall/winter. I am trying to get into a class at work. I am working on a number of projects. Life moves on, just without Andrew and I being Andrew and I.

Here comes the bride

Well, I kind of missed that part of the ceremony. Okay, I missed all of the ceremony but five minutes. I did not leave town on time and was a half-hour late getting into town. Apparently, I also believe that when one arrives into my hometown that the rules of North and South no longer apply. I went to the North part of town when I should have went South, and there were so many cars on the South Side that getting to the church took ten or fifteen more minutes than it usually would have. But I arrived to see the couple announced as husband and wife, which was nice.

They make a lovely couple and I hope they have many years of happiness. I must admit that when I attend weddings I am cynical. I always wonder how long the marriage will last before they get divorced. I do not want them to split but wish them a long, happy marriage. My point of view is tainted with statistics, celebrity marriage failings, and a negativity that continues to trail with me from adolescence.

I shook my hips, waved my arms, wiggled my booty, and sweated bountiful amounts. I had fun and I even found the courage to ask some guy I've never met to dance. I was turned down, but that does not take away from the progress of me asking someone else to dance. He was incredibly shy also. I heard stories from the bride.

Also, I enjoyed my outfit. I usually tolerate dressing up, but the outfit I had on was more comfortable than pajamas.

Another note, I miss Andrew. :P

I stepped in a pile of yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day.

I went to work and did my job. Towards the end of my shift I was called into the office and asked about how I trained someone on a certain duty. A complaint or maybe even more of a comment had been received about how I had done the job of training and I defended myself explaining what I had one. I don't know if I was believed, but the matter was dropped. The interesting thing about this commenplaint is that the trainee was not the one to speak up, another unnamed third party was. I am confused by this and irritated. I am still upset by this and am confused as to why I am even training anyone. I haven't even been at this job six months and I am training. This job has no guidelines for training, none. It's horrible and the employees are treated like disposable gloves. Used once, tossed into the garbage, and never seen again.

Then, I called Andrew last night. That was my own doing, but I missed him. I love him still. He said that he still has the same feelings for me and that he probably always will, and that I may also. He said that time may lessen those feelings, but there are no guarantees. Damnit, I can't deal with feeling this way about this man. I know I should not adore him, but I do. I hear his voice and I am in love all over again. He is kind and caring. He asked me before I went back to my hometown if I still had my cell phone, the actual phone, because he wanted me to charge it up and know that I can still dial 911 with it. He said he didn't want anything to happen to me and that I should be safe.

Then, I had been chatting with this man I met on the dating site I joined for the past week. It was nothing serious, just two lonely people who were enjoying each other's "company." We knew that there was no potential, but enjoyed talking to each other on-line. However, we were both in a bad mood and misinterpreted our words. He ended up just leaving the conversation.

All this made me cry. I felt unloved. I felt awful. I felt incapable. I felt that I wanted to get out of this town and move on. But yet I felt I wanted to move beyond this realm and onto the next, whatever it may be. But I hung on, read a book through my tears when the crying subsided into just waterworks and not heaving sobs. I ate some cereal, talked to a friend and we both commiserated at our poor relations with the opposite sex.

Then, I put on a ring. It's a ring I've had for years. But I assigned new meaning to it. It's a reminder to me; I am not ready to date. I am not over that Andrew man. I am still raw and sore from his love. I have a major goal that I wish to obtain and I want no one, not even myself standing in the way. I want more education and the kind that comes with books and classrooms, not life's lessons. Those come without planning.

Plus, I am going on a trip in November and I have never been on a trip like this one. Vacations have always been spent with my parents and it's time I get to venture out into the world alone for part of it and with a great friend for the rest.

So, I stepped in a pile of yesterday but I am not bringing yesterday to today. Today, I am a free, single woman with goals and ambitions. Today, I am loving myself and not some man who doesn't deserve what I have.

P.S. I heard some information about Dr. Nordic God. He had a heart attack and then some kind of heart surgery. He is officially back to work this week. Now that I know this information, I don't care. He was nothing but a distraction from Andrew. Now, I am to be my own distraction.

Syrup smoke and simple smiles

It felt illegal. Maybe it should be? I brought my ID, but it wasn't necessary. Seems funny. I am carded for movies, but not buying cigarrettes. Before you wonder, why is she buying those?! I'll explain. I have a friend; he is my one friend who smokes. He was having a bad day, broke, and needed to smoke. I had money, a car, and I am over 18. So, I purchased the cancer sticks for him. Though, I told him I disapproved, but he would have found them one way or another.

I brought them to him. He instantly lit up. His muscles released the tight hold they had on his shoulders and his eyes went from angry lizard slits to open, friendly almonds. It was interesting to watch the transformation. He smoked three in a row and then inhaled the night air, to clear his lungs of the horrid smoke and to release the leftover tension into the sky. There is more than enough room in the sky.

I joined a dating site for Big, Beautiful Women because I am big, and I know I should think I'm beautiful, and I am a woman. So, put three and three together and I joined. I am not sure why I did it. I'm not looking for anything. I have so many other things going on in life that a man can only be a distraction. I'm not even over Andrew. Beautiful, sexy, Andrew. I think of him and know I should think poorly of him, at least in some ways. But I never seem to get there. I see his smile in my mind and I swoon again. I feel his hands on my back and I am melting into his flesh. His cocoa skin is turning my pale skin into an iced latte right now. Those memories are cold.

I am going on a trip in November. :) I am so excited. And this weekend, I am going to my hometown to watch an old friend marry, marry a kind of man she always said she didn't want. Funny how that happens.

Packing up the relationship

In a box, the symbol of love in red and gold. In my mind, all I see is a heart I couldn't hold. In a bag is sexy in a box, in a bottle, and a bit of lace and again, I see a heart I couldn't hold. In the closet, far away, a monkey who kept watch over the owner of the heart I couldn't hold. Its fur still smelling of his skin.

I packed all this in the grocery sack he packed my things in. I gathered my courage and my strength, and said I can't have this anymore. It just reminds me of him and I need to move on from him. I went to his place. My stomach lurched before I even entered the elevator. My own up and down movement without the ride. The door was ajar at his place, I knocked, heard nothing, and entered. He was not there, the apartment empty of life, but not of things. Stilly filled with so many things. A man who thinks he can buy happiness, but finds that with each purchase all he did was bring home another burden. He enters the apartment with laundry soap and a denim shirt in his lap.

I come out from the bedroom at the sound of his voice, my own chipper as I say hello back. Andrew looks wonderful. I've always found him so attractive and handsome. I tell him why I came. To give back the things he gave me, all accept two items I chose to keep. His shoulders hunch, his face drops, and he is sad. I pick up the bag handles and announce I'll take it back home. He says that he wouldn't have given it to me if he didn't want me to have it. I replied that it's just to hard to have around, that it reminds me of him. He brings up how I said we can't be friends, that I was the one who said we can't be friends. I ask him what that has to do with giving back his things. He said nothing, just that I said that. I told him I stand by what I said, that I can't be his friend because it's too hard. We stand there longer, he put his arm out, reaching to hug me. I go to him, he embraces me.

I want to tell him he smells good, his cologne wafting up as we touch. We let go and I cry. I turn away from his to compose myself and to wipe the tears away. My hands smell of his cologne. He puts his hand on my arm, a comforting gesture. He looks at me, I look at him and time passes.

We kiss. Deep and long. His hand holds the back of my head against his lips. We kiss. Finally, we extract ourselves and become two again. I leave, my lip raw from rubbing against his mustache. As soon as I see him, my body responds. I went home with a bag of his stuff in my car.

I am going to take his weed eater and shove it up his ass. It's fucking 8am in the morning and I am trying to sleep.


Like, there are people who don't work 8 to 5 and need to get some rest. Grr

Tastefully Simple

I look around this room and I am surrounded by stuff. I don't want this stuff to be what makes me happy. I want to be fulfilled without having to fill rooms and rooms full of things. Yet, I can't seem to stop being a good consumer girl. I want to buy more clothes, more stuff, more things to fill all these rooms.

I have a closet full of clothes. Nothing more will fit in there; I do not need more clothes. In my office, the walls are filled with brightly colored toys, some dark, ominous looking toys, and pictures but not of people I love, but of things.

I understand that humans like to surround themselves with things they find pretty, such as art, flowers, etc. I understand that we like to make ourselves feel good with the things we have. But if all I have is stuff to make myself feel good I am missing something in my life. I am not fulfilled by myself alone. And at this point, I am all I have to fulfill myself.

Question is, how do I get to the point where I don't feel the need to stuff my apartment full of things, but instead stuff my mind with information, my heart with feelings, and my diary with adventures? I'm not sure.

But in the mean time, I feel guilty if I get rid of all the things people have spent time and money to give me.

I want to live more simply, but either I put obstacles in the way or there are roadblocks standing before that I am not sure I want to tackle. I would like to ride my bike to work, but I don't get off work until nearly midnight and it's not safe for me to ride home in the dark. I want to eat more whole foods, such as fruits and vegetables, but I tend to gravitate towards chemicals, preservatives, and unnatural substances. Though, I can't give up my sugar free beverages. Diabetics need tasty drinks, too. Sometimes buying things makes me happy and you wonder, why deny myself a bit of happiness? So, you pull out the check card and spend.

Well, I have no water in my apartment and need to have something to eat before I go. I'm off to a restaurant which I live two blocks from and I will be driving there since I have to go to work afterwards. A construction crew is tearing up the road in front of my apartment, which has caused the water to become nothing but a trickle.

Words on a screen

I discovered an old diary I used to keep. Well, it's not really that old, maybe a year to two years, but my how things change. Before, I used to write to impress not to express. It's very important for me to write out how I am feeling. It keeps me sane. I used keep another on-line journal for nearly two years, but again that was to impress. I didn't always write how I felt, but more so how I thought I should feel. It was a lot of "shoulds" and not actually reality. But now, I get it out. Somethings I choose not to write about because I cannot exact change in those areas.

For example, I dislike our president immensely. As of right now, there is nothing I can do about it. The next candidates have not been announced and I do not have any money to donate to anyone or group who can get his ugly monkey face out of the White House by impeaching him. Second, I am pro-choice. I will even go so far as to say I believe in killing babies because I want the anti-choice folk to realize that I know and acknowledge what abortion is, on their terms. So, killing babies inside the womb, if that's what needs to happen to prevent another unwanted child from being born, so be it. There are so many stories of abuse, neglect, and poor parenting that I would think those anti-choice groups' time would be better spent helping to create better lives for those already here and not worry so much about who is not here yet.

Anti-choice people like to argue that well if "your mom had an abortion you wouldn't be here." Well, in my belief system I wouldn't ever know that I wasn't here and that's that. I don't see how that's some magical statement that's meant to change my mind. However, I am elated at the FDA's approval of Plan B as an over-the-counter medication. That's great news for women and their bodies. Those under 18 cannot buy the pills without a doctor's note, but I read that depending on the girl's body and physical maturity, her body may not react well to the drug. I am not sure I buy that and do see it as another way to control the youth of America.

This next topic sort of ties it. I recently met a man around my age who does not believe in dinosaurs and does not believe in evolution. I did not argue when he said he does not believe in evolution, that is something many people discount as merely theory. However, dinosaurs? What are all those bones then? He claims to be a Christian, yet has one of the worst attitudes I've ever encountered. He has no real knowledge about the history of Christianity and takes everything as a literal idea. I fear for this young man's future because he could be taken advantage of due to his naivity and willingness to believe things that he's never researched, that he's never taken the time to seek out answers for himself. He is also one of the angriest people I've ever met and some day his temper will get him into trouble, of which no one can get him out.

I am hungry. I want pancakes. Again. :)

It's a mish-mash of hodgepodge

Here are some fun websites I like to visit and want to share with anyone who happens to read this blog.

http://www.43things.com/

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

http://www.ghostsofnorthdakota.com/

http://www.quotegarden.com/

http://www.dribbleglass.com/

In other news, there is no other news.

Today was my day off; I cleaned, read, and slept. All in all, not very productive.

I am glad I never got a tattoo. I don't want one either.

I've been having really weird dreams lately, disturbing in fact. I prefer being awake to having those dreams. In the last dream, this black girl kept trying to beat me up, I would walk in this downtown area and all the business doors would close themselves and lock me out on the steet, then I rode a humpback whale. No idea what it all means.

Here is a list of things I like-
1. Bubble baths
2. Fans-I like the noise and the cool air
3. Nail files
4. Wearing shorts
5. The feeling of clean sheets
6. Soft blankets
7. Of thinking I look cute sometimes and not completely hideous

That's enough. Signing off.


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