All three hours from my parents' house to my apartment, I day dreamed about kissing Andrew, about Andrew's hands carressing my skin. I made a up a day dream that started when I surprised him at his apartment or when I dropped in on him at work. I drove by his work and they didn't look too busy (one car out front minus the workers' cars). I stepped in and immediately got a hand, palm forward, in my face. A stop gesture. I stopped and he made a shh signal. I hushed and stopped.
I waited in the reception area for him to finish a phone call he had to make, then walked up to say hello. He inquired as to what I wanted, gave me a look as to why am I bothering him at work again. I said I just wanted to talk to him when he was coherrent rather than when I wake him up around midnight, the only chance I have to call him and catch him at home. He said he was pretty busy tonight and that they were closing soon and he had to get some stuff done. The doctor in the background was on the phone and I could hear her talking. Earlier, she had introduced herself to me. She seemed familiar and I finally figured it out. I told Andrew I wanted to speak with her because I thought I knew her sister. When I stepped behind the counter to wait for her, he said I was not allowed behind the counter (where I have been several times before) due to confidentialty. I stopped, looked at hime, and said I'd just leave. He said that it was just because... and I didn't let him finish. I walked out saying I'd just leave.
I left and I cried. I have begged that man for any morsel of attention, for any amount of love and affection he can show me and I always wind up getting turned down, getting nothing. When I got home, I called his apartment and left a message on his machine, "It's me. I give up. I won't call you anymore, I won't stop by where you work. I get the point. Bye."
It makes me feel so horrible that I am not even wanted by Andrew. I disgust myself in how I've thrown myself at him, how I've begged him to love me, to even like me just a little, and still I get nothing. I feel so worthless. I gave him my everything and I can't even get a crumb from him.
But that is enough. I can't be his friend. I was lying to myself when I said that. Maybe in the future, but right now it's all to fresh. Grrarrr.
1 comment:
You are not a loser. Just because one guy [possibly] doesn't want to be with you, doesn't mean that no guy will want to ever again. Also, just because you are trying to hold on does not make you a loser, it makes you in the majority. I know very few women that don't try to hold onto a love lost, I know I did, even when the guy I was with did a lot worse to me. It is because we crave that attention, that feeling. You are normal. Stick with it this time, even if he comes crawling back, stick with staying away from him. He may make you feel good, but he also makes you feel terrible and any guy that does that is not worth it. The only way you will move on is if you keep your distance. I know, it is easy for me to say, I am not in the situation. I just want what's best for you.
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