I am going to wash that man right outta my hair

Andrew returned my call, saying, "That's not fair." He just didn't get that it didn't have anything to do with him being at work, it didn't have anything to do with him being busy, etc. It had to do with I wanted his attention, his time, I wanted him to want me, and he didn't. He never really did.

I told him that he never calls me on his own volition unless he wants something. He couldn't see this. I told him that I was just trying to tell what I felt and why. He said I was just making him the bad guy. He suggested that if he has time this coming week, he'll give me a call and "I'll make sure I don't ask you for anything." Ouch. That hurt and I told him so. He didn't get it. He said that I can make the statement and it's okay, but that he can't say it because then it's not okay. I said it was about the way he said it, not what he said. I told him that I understand how his friend Heidi sometimes tells him that he makes her feel stupid when he explains thing to her. At first, he didn't get the correlation, but then I said I think he does that to me, whether it's intentional or not.

I can't believe I wasted my time on that man. I told him that I can't just be his friend. I told him I can't do it. He didn't seem to understand. I no longer wish to talk to him, even on a friendly basis.

This morning, the wife of the doctor who owns the business where Andrew works called and said that last week I went behind the counter and that I can't do that anymore, that I am not allowed to come to the business unless I am a customer. I told her it wouldn't happen again, that she need not worry.

After I got off the phone with Andrew last night, I returned a phone call to Mr. Nix. He had left me a message so I called him back, clearly upset. I desired to get off the phone, not wanting to cry on the phone again with him, not wanting to burden him with my shitty problems anymore. But he insisted I stay on the phone and I am glad he did. He helped put some things in perspective for me, helped me see things I wouldn't have seen on my own and hadn't taken note of yet. Andrew is emotionally unavailable and that's not my fault. I can't change that fact about Andrew, he doesn't like himself and that's his problem. If he's this old and can't get his shit together and can't fucking date a 25 year old, which is a bit easier to do than dating someone his age since I have quite fewer expectations, he's got issues. Mr. Nix said that I am a good person and that someone will love me, someone who deserves me. I needed to hear that. There's so much pressure around here to get married, have kids, get the career going, etc, and to feel like you're failing in every avenue is horrible. But I'm not failing.

Andrew is gone. I am going to recover from him. Mr. Nix told him that I can love him and be content with the fact that I love him and not receive anything back. This is true.

Anyway, time for me to really work on me. Andrew is going to be dumped from my thoughts each time he enters. I shall mentally dump water on him, I shall tip him out of his chair, anything for me to release the irritation I feel at him and myself. Myself, because I begged and I never should have done that. I begged for a man who has nothing to offer me. Makes no sense.

So, time to make sense. Time to get active in life and get going.