This guy from work invited me over to his apartment last night to hang out. It was cool to receive such an invitation because it means I made a friend on my own. I consider "friends" those I hang out with outside of work. There is nothing romantic in this invitation, just to inform you.
This young man made me realize that I am no longer angry. I don't have this weight of hate and irritation at the world and he does. I feel serene when I am happy. I feel calm. I am glad to be able to say that I've even felt those things. I know it was only moments before that I felt on the brink of that black edge of depression, where it consumes you and it's what you become. But I know what I can be, what life can be. His music is filled with anger and frustration, and while I once used to listen to that music and indentify, I no longer feel that same hostility rising in me when I hear it. I hope one day he finds peace within himself.
I've been researching graduate schools and looking at housing costs in those towns. I am trying to be the one in control of my destiny this time whereas before I left some of the research up to my mom and dad. They shouldn't have done that because it separated me from my goal. It made the steps from A to Z disappear. I know they were only trying to help but now, I am asking them for a different kind of help.
I don't think I want to date right now, but I do want to be wanted. It sucks to once have that feeling that someone thought you were great, sexy, smart, and all those other lovely adjectives that give you warm fuzzies inside and then to have all those adjectives taken away from you. Yes, yes, I should feel all those about myself without someone telling me, but it's nice to hear from someone who loves you or claims that he loves you. ;) But as far as dating goes, I don't think I want to give someone my heart for a long time. The next time around, I need to ensure that he deserves it.
While walking down the corridor of the hospital, I heard a little boy say this to his dad. "I don't want to go nigh nigh. No nigh nigh." Dad: "You don't have to go night night now, we're going to see your sister." Boy: "Can I stay up forever?" Dad: "Sure." The boy jumps in the air with glee. "I never have to go nigh nigh." A very happy three year old, indeed. Wait until he finds out he can't stay awake forever. Oy.
1 comment:
I am glad to hear you found your peace. Taking a break from dating helps even more to find who you are without that other person to define you. I have taken a 4 year break, so I am ready to date again, but not to go searching for someone. I hope to have that chance meeting. I hope you find a grad school that is the perfect fit for you... in Hawaii. No pressure though;).
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