How long does it take?

One evening when I returned home from work, I felt chilled and thought about blankets. I thought of one in particular. It's purple, fuzzy, and soft. A fabulous combination for many things, but a most wonderful one for a blanket. I received it for Christmas from my friend Kris, thus it meant something to me also. I thought of this blanket and its whereabouts. I pondered for a few minutes and then, flash... I could see where it was. It was laying at the foot of Andrew's bed. I had left it at his apartment many months ago so I would have something to cuddle with while I was there, something of my own. I had thought that perhaps this blanket would let me sleep while I was spending the night with Andrew.

Because I wanted this blanket back, I called Andrew, and left a message on his machine. He returned my call saying that he would drop it off at 10-10:30am the next day. I overslept and missed him stopping by, but also assumed he would call before he left- he did not. An hour after he was supposed to appear, I called him to ask what happened that morning. He informed me that he had been sitting in his car outside my apartment for a half an hour and honked the horn numerous times. I apologized for missing him and for oversleeping. He said he'd bring it by the next day after he was done with work, around 12:30.

I set the alarm early for the next morning in order to do my hair- my new short hair that Andrew had not yet seen. I wore a cute outfit, pants I knew he always liked. I heard him honk the horn this time when he arrived and my heart beat hard when I saw his white car with the chrome rims shine in the sun. I walked over to the car and saw my purple blanket in the front seat next to him... thinking that is where I used to sit. I grabbed the blanket through the open window and then decided to be bold. I asked if I could hug him. He mentioned something about moving the stuff from the seat onto the floor, but I said I'd just kneel on the seat. I got in the car and he placed only one of his arms around me, but he placed it around me tight and held onto my back. I wrapped both arms around him, one hand pressing the back of his head, feeling his hair smoosh the way it does when it grows out a bit. We held on tight to each other, his hand moving against my back, tightening his grip on me; my hand rubbing the back of his head, caressing his ear. In this position, the tears started to fall onto his shoulder and I began to tremble a little. We released each other and I leaned back. Still, Andrew had not looked at me. He has not the last few times I've seen him. His eyes stare straight ahead, never turning his head to see me.

I tapped him on the should and said, "I have no hair." He looked at me puzzled and then looked defeated, if anything, "Why did you cut all your hair off?" I said I wanted to and that I did it on Tuesday.

We chit chatted some more and then he looked like he was about to cry as he talked of work. I reached out to touch him arm, then retracted knowing that I didn't have the right to touch him anymore. Then, I thought I don't care I am placing my hand on his arm and offering comfort. I rubbed his soft, warm, black skin with my fingers until he had to go. As I walked inside, smelling the blanket because it smelled of him, his apartment, of memories, I started to cry. By the time I reached my apartment door, I was sobbing.

I am not over Andrew. I want him back. I want to be his baby again. But I don't think that will ever happen. I am going with him to his counseling session on July 8th at 1pm. I will see what happens then. When I broke it off with Andrew, it wasn't because I didn't love him, because there was someone else, or because he was irritating/annoying... it was because I felt unappreciated. But I still loved him just as I do now.

In hugging him, I felt something so good and right... I felt two people who fit together. I've never felt that in hugging someone else and I felt it the first time I hugged Andrew, the first time he held me and I held him in return. I dream of being in his arms, his head resting on mine, our arms enveloping us in each other.