Agua, Por Favor

I went swimming today. Nothing can describe the fantastic feeling that is swimming. The way the water glides over the skin, adhering yet passing over the flesh. The weightless feeling that arrives when plunged into deep water. The way one's body can float on the top of the surface of water. The look of the sky while floating on your back, arms spread wide, and your ears filled with water and hearing nothing. It's amazing. I love being submerged in water, the smell of chlorine filtering into my nose, the way that smell comes off your skin after swimming and not showering. It smells of summer, of fun, and of freedom.

Since I am a big girl, being weightless or at least feeling so does not occur very often. No one picks me up, no one sets me on their lap, and I feel the weight of myself each time I stand. My bones, muscles, and tendons groan against the weight that I carry and to feel lighter once in a while is perhaps one of the greatest joys.

I floated today. It was peaceful.

A little girl came to swim after a while. She was delightful in her brattiness. Her mom and her mom's boyfriend were swimming with her. When the mom's hair became in her face or something, the boyfriend was assisting the mom. The little girl shouted with much determination and steadfastness, "Don't mess with a woman's hair." I laughed heartily and this little girl and her opinion, which is very correct at times: Do not mess with a woman's hair. Then she shouted at the boyfriend, "Get away from my mom!" She was serious, but yet she wanted to play with the boyfriend, taunting him, "You can't get me, John!" John would chase after her, growling a little just to scare her. She would giggle and ask her mom to save her, to help it. She was funny and so earnest in her pleas.

So, I swam, I let the water take me with it. I let it absorb me into a cloud. I floated into the sky and came down in a chilly rain that drenched a poor farmer's drought-ridden field. I was a drop splashed from the pool onto an old woman's arm as she walked by on the way back into her apartment from grocery shopping; I was the drop that reminded her of a time when the pools were segregated by color, when little black children would cling to the chain link fence and watch with envy at the wet, white children. I was sucked into the filtration system and was cleaned and sprayed out back into myself feeling my head become my feet and my feet get sucked in again. I clung to the shorts of a man who came to merely dip his feet in the water. I went back into his apartment and heard his conversation on the phone with his girlfriend. I heard love and then evaporated back into the air. I swam and came back to myself, leaving the water to be water, and me to be me.

Numbers of Things

1. Lately, it's been hard to find things to write about or at least it feels that way.

2. I spend way too much money and I hate being poor. I hate credit cards and vow to get those paid off as quickly as possible. Some day I want to own a cute, little house.

3. I replied to Dr. Nordic God's email. I hoped he was feeling better, told him I am a chicken and don't think I can introduce myself to him in person but would try through email first, wrote a brief bio, asked some questions about him, and sent him my picture. Why beat around the bush. I haven't heard back from him yet and as far as I can tell, he hasn't opened the last email I sent him. It took a week for him to read the first one though, so I don't want to rush it.

4. I bought super cute shoes. They are from Walmart. I am in love with them.

5. I hung up some pictures that I took on this empty wall I had in the hallway. I enlarged some of them but when I made them 8x10's rather than 4x6's, they became all digity (or in your language, pixilated).

6. I finally got the oil changed in my car. She's a happy girl now. She has fresh oil, was vacuumed, and washed. You can tell by her smile how happy she is. I also bought a vacuum last night so I can clean the car myself. It has a bit on crevice tool. I am excite to use it.

7. Andrew is a dick.

8. I overslept yesterday and was late for work. Oops. I even set two alarm clocks. I was just very tired.

9. I hate skinny jeans, leggings, mini eighties boots, big sunglasses, big blousy shirts over tight pants, shirts with wide, heather gray stripes, rompers, Flashdance sweatshirts, and anything else that's from the 1980's, including the messenger bag my parents bought for me. I will have to take it by. I tried to have it grow on me, but it just gets ugly each day.

10. I wanted to stop by Andrew's apartment on the way home and cuddle with him. I am missing having a man in my life. I want someone with strong arms to wrap them around me while he strokes my hair. I want a man with rough hands to caress my legs and traces lines on my back. I miss having a man to kiss, to hug, to hold hands, and it's not even just Andrew that I miss doing those things with. It's the actual idea of a man. I didn't think this day would come, when it would just be missing a man, and not the man. Life has interesting lessons.

11. I have lots of cute underwear and no where to wear it.

12. I enjoy doing my hair. It's fun. I never thought it would be enjoyable.

13. It finally rained here last night. It down poured. My clothes were prewashed as I carried them into the laundrymat. It was lovely to watch all that water burst from the sky. It is so dry here.

14. My parents bought me a green chair with chrome legs dating from the 1960's. I can't wait to see it. It should be interesting. My brother is getting one also. We are lucky children. We are even if we don't get green chairs.

15. I loved the movie Monster House. You must all see it and like it, or I will sic the house on you. ;)

I am the 411 operator.

My mom asked if I were mad at Kris, I reply no. For I am not angry with Kris, I am just enjoying my own company. Rarely have I enjoyed my own company so much. It's nice to just sit by myself, to think, to try to find movitation, to seek change within myself through myself and not someone else.

I heard from my doctor today about my lab results. I knew I was being a naughty diabetic, but I was surprised at how naughty I have been and yet, a little shocked that those tests didn't indicate I was naughtier than I thought. All in all, not a bad message to receive. I shall be going to see a diatician again, to become re-educated on the diabetic diet plan I should follow and a weight reduction diet. I am ready to try and conquer those diets whereas before I was forced to conquer them. And this time I must remind myself that I will make mistakes and just because I do so does not mean that I should give up completely. I should, no, I will keep trying. Failure occurs when we try and that is to be expected, and I must place that among my expectations and not require perfection from myself or others. No one attains perfection and if ones does attain perfection in one area of life, that person is sacrificing many other areas, thus leading to imperfection. Balance. I am on a tight rope and diabetes is cutting the rope. If I don't stop it, the tight rope will be cut and I will fall, and it will hurt.

I have unlimited long distance now. I enjoy that. I can call and pester anyone I want without having to get into my car and drive away from my apartment so my cell phone will work. I just pick up my home phone and dial. Qwest is beautiful.

Dr. Nordic God emailed me. He said he is flattered if he is indeed the right guy (he is). He wrote that he has been ill and been away from work, and shall be for quite a while longer. But when he gets back, I am supposed to introduce myself. He also made a smiley face. This made me giddy and quite fearful. It felt better when he hadn't written back. I can face rejection more easily when there is just a silent reply than a full out rejection or meeting face to face to introduce myself. Emailing is easy. It's private and hidden. I doubt I am bold enough to introduce myself in person. I fear I will not be able to.

I am going to run off now to make some pictures. I enjoy taking pictures and I don't think I'd ever want to do anything with it other than have it as a hobby. It's fun for me. Nothing more. I hope sometimes I get some good, lucky shots, and that I can show people them who will like them. Oh, I also have made a decision. I want to get my master's in library science. I am going to study for the GRE and take the test once more. This time I plan to study, to actually study beforehand, and then take the test. I would like to improve my math scores, which were bordering on horrible. Then, I want to find a school that has a library science program with classes offered on-line, which many schools do have, and I realize I have many years to finish. No pressure, just find out if this is what I really want, and if I really like it once I get into it.

Love Doctor

I went to my psychiatrist today. She was very proud of me. I thought she was going to burst and I thought I was going to burst with joy for doing these things for me, not anyone else. I went to the doctor, had a physical and got my diabetes checked. I went to credit counseling. I was sad about Andrew, but not so heart broken that I ceased to function. My apartment is clean. I had a girls' weekend, including shopping, swimming, and giggling while talking about boys. I am learning how to check my mail more frequently. And...

Background. I told a co-worker, I shall call him Bob, that I liked Dr. Nordic God and thought he was cute. The other day Bob ran into Dr. Nordic God and told him that there is a girl who likes him. Dr. NG asked if the girl was cute; Bob said yes. Dr. NG asked who it was but Bob said the girl is quite bashful and did not want her identity revealed. After Bob repeated this conversation to me, I took matters into my own hands and emailed Dr. NG myself. I have not received a reply yet and it appears that my message to Dr. NG remains unopened. Quite nerve wracking.

I hope there is some sort of reply even if it is rejection. My psychiatrist guessed who I was talking about when I mentioned Dr. NG's first name. She said she knew him before he was a doctor and was in pharmacy school. She said he is so very nice. This is all I have heard about Dr. NG. That he is exceptionally nice. I question why he is single.

Other news, Andrew called me today. I thought he wanted to talk to me. I thought maybe he was reaching out for the first time, rather than me reaching for him. I was mistaken. He wanted something. I am realizing that he only calls when he wants something. That even when we were together he usually only called when he wanted something. I was wrong to mistake his needing me as love when it was merely a way to get his way.

Also, I bought jean shorts. I like them. They make me feel fun. I also purchased some palazo (sp) pants. They are so comfy and I got a cute shirt. But then coup de gras of it all is the picture frame I purchased. It has six openings and they are all connected- basically it looks like six pictures frames were connected with pieces of wood, but in the end is much cooler than that. I love Gordman's.

No title title

This is a list of things I like. There's no reason for this list other than I feel like making it. Though, it could be because more often than not I am usually talking about things I dislike. You could think of this as a public safety announcement. I am preventing you from doing other things in your life. You might be in the kitchen using a knife, outside mowing the lawn, in a car, walking on a wet bathroom floor... the list of endless, but because I have you here reading I am saving you from potential accidents. Don't fall off your chair now. I do work in a hospital, but I am not trained for any medical emergencies. For that, please call your local hospital, police station, fire house, or emergency service number.

1. Lip balm- I love it. It's moist, slippery, and softening. And usually it tastes good.
2. Digital cameras-you get to see the picture before it comes out on film, which is awesome when you are taking candid shots of people because then if there are really bad ones you can tell someone you deleted it, but then don't really and post the awful looking pictures on the internet and hope they because very popular. Though, you may have to increase your bandwith due to all the web traffic.
3. Facial Tissues- My nose runs all the time, without Kleenex brand facial tissues I would be dripping snot all over my shirt, which is quite unattractive during the summer months. Such a fashion no no in July.
4. Cereal-so easy, so tasty, so filling, and so so right.
5. Plush stuffed "animals"- They are fuzzy, cuddly, and fuzzy, and cuddly, and fun!
6. Andrew-Just had to get his name in every entry, seemed a shame to break a recent pattern. But I do like him. He's got fuzzy hair just like a stuffed animal. He's super yum!
7. Mission style furniture-I don't have any, but who doesn't love those clean lines? I sure do
8. People who say thank you- This just makes me happy and it makes me say thank you back, even though the proper response is you're welcome. That just never seems to come out.
9. Dishwashers- I hate washing dishes by hand and I enjoy the fact that I just have to put dirty things into a machine and they come out clean (sidenote: If they do not get clean in the dishwasher the first time, I just keep sticking them in there and rewashing them. Most often they do not come clean and have baked on food, but I am lazy and won't wash it by hand). A shower for my dishes and I don't even have to get naked with them, which seems a tad inappropriate. I mean, what would the casserole dish think, me naked and taking a shower with it- just wrong you see.
10. Booty socks-It's almost like not wearing socks, but you are and it feels good inside your shoes when you have to wear shoes, and they aren't so hot since only your foot and a little bit (this much {}) of your ankle is showing. Plus, they are stylish when you're having sex and it's all you have on. Really gets a man's motor running. That rule only applies to girls. Boys should never be shirtless, pantless, or naked and have socks on. It looks stupid and makes me want to hurt things, such as the boy who has on socks while he has no pants on.
11. Public Service Announcements-Without that commericial telling me not to do drugs, I'd be a heroin addict today, a bully, having premarrital sex, running with scissors, eating raw chicken, and wearing leggings, skinny jeans, sweatshirts with the neck cut off exposing one or both shoulders, ballerina flats, and belted shirts. All of which are very wrong, but the most hideous ones are those that have to do with fashion. Leggings people? No, we remember leggings and we said no to them after we stopped doing drugs in the 80's or after we became conscious and realized that they look stupid. Skinny jeans do no one any good. Even the skinniest girl will look as if she has hips the size of Texas and ankles the size of that little piece of Idaho. No one wants to look Texaho.

Couples Counseling

I went to Andrew's counseling session with him. His therapist is very nice. She seems like an excellent therapst, one who would push you but not too hard. She does the paraphrasing thing though and I think I'd find that annoying after a while if I were alone with her, but it was a good thing for bridging the gap between Andrew and I. I learned some things about him today, that I hadn't known before, which would have been helpful to know before. Perhaps we could have talked to each other differently.

I think part of the reason I would react so severely when Andrew and I would talk seriously, is that I was so afraid of losing him. But losing him isn't so bad. I can function without him, whereas I didn't think I would be able to before. So, perhaps now if he and I needed to have a serious conversation, I could compose myself enough to talk. I cry and sob otherwise. Strange flip-flop, I used to be able to control my emotions so well, never cry even if I wanted to, and now I can't stop it. Perhaps I can find a happy balance, or maybe this is nature's way of telling me I need an outlet and crying is it.

His therapist asked if we were getting back together or where we are going from here. We both agreed that no matter what we would be good friends. He and I just have a chemistry together, something jives. Hearing him very much affirm that we will be friends was very nice. I said that any romantic/dating relationship would be up to Andrew but I asked if he was well enough to be in a dating relationship. Andrew said he didn't know and didn't know what would make him ready for one.

The thing that gets me though, is that no one else makes me respond like he does. It happened the first instant I saw him. The sparks, the I want to touch this man, I want to kiss him feelings, and I find it so hard to not do those things especially since I was once able to. I did ask for a hug when we parted and it felt good once more. There's just something about that man that gets to me, that makes me love him and want him.

Hitting Home

I am sad today. There's no reason for the sadness other than I feel my life is hopeless. I see nothing bright and great in the future. I work in a dead-end job and I've applied for countless other job; but alas, I am not qualified to do anything I am finding out. I come home each and every night alone and while I enjoy living by myself, it's hard knowing that there's no one who's going to care where I am, that I could die in my apartment and no one would know for days.

I do things by myself, go to dinner, to movies, etc.

There's no one to comfort me after a bad day. It's just me, a pile of dirty dishes, and the silence. I feel ugly and I am ashamed of my body. It's grotesque and I wonder why I let myself get this way. But then, I never have the motivation to make it any other way.

No one is going to love me, no one even looks at me.

I've been taking my meds like a good girl, but medication can't make my life fulfilling and meaningful. Medication can't make me feel worth something.

I am sad today and I cry, and nothing can make it better.

How long does it take?

One evening when I returned home from work, I felt chilled and thought about blankets. I thought of one in particular. It's purple, fuzzy, and soft. A fabulous combination for many things, but a most wonderful one for a blanket. I received it for Christmas from my friend Kris, thus it meant something to me also. I thought of this blanket and its whereabouts. I pondered for a few minutes and then, flash... I could see where it was. It was laying at the foot of Andrew's bed. I had left it at his apartment many months ago so I would have something to cuddle with while I was there, something of my own. I had thought that perhaps this blanket would let me sleep while I was spending the night with Andrew.

Because I wanted this blanket back, I called Andrew, and left a message on his machine. He returned my call saying that he would drop it off at 10-10:30am the next day. I overslept and missed him stopping by, but also assumed he would call before he left- he did not. An hour after he was supposed to appear, I called him to ask what happened that morning. He informed me that he had been sitting in his car outside my apartment for a half an hour and honked the horn numerous times. I apologized for missing him and for oversleeping. He said he'd bring it by the next day after he was done with work, around 12:30.

I set the alarm early for the next morning in order to do my hair- my new short hair that Andrew had not yet seen. I wore a cute outfit, pants I knew he always liked. I heard him honk the horn this time when he arrived and my heart beat hard when I saw his white car with the chrome rims shine in the sun. I walked over to the car and saw my purple blanket in the front seat next to him... thinking that is where I used to sit. I grabbed the blanket through the open window and then decided to be bold. I asked if I could hug him. He mentioned something about moving the stuff from the seat onto the floor, but I said I'd just kneel on the seat. I got in the car and he placed only one of his arms around me, but he placed it around me tight and held onto my back. I wrapped both arms around him, one hand pressing the back of his head, feeling his hair smoosh the way it does when it grows out a bit. We held on tight to each other, his hand moving against my back, tightening his grip on me; my hand rubbing the back of his head, caressing his ear. In this position, the tears started to fall onto his shoulder and I began to tremble a little. We released each other and I leaned back. Still, Andrew had not looked at me. He has not the last few times I've seen him. His eyes stare straight ahead, never turning his head to see me.

I tapped him on the should and said, "I have no hair." He looked at me puzzled and then looked defeated, if anything, "Why did you cut all your hair off?" I said I wanted to and that I did it on Tuesday.

We chit chatted some more and then he looked like he was about to cry as he talked of work. I reached out to touch him arm, then retracted knowing that I didn't have the right to touch him anymore. Then, I thought I don't care I am placing my hand on his arm and offering comfort. I rubbed his soft, warm, black skin with my fingers until he had to go. As I walked inside, smelling the blanket because it smelled of him, his apartment, of memories, I started to cry. By the time I reached my apartment door, I was sobbing.

I am not over Andrew. I want him back. I want to be his baby again. But I don't think that will ever happen. I am going with him to his counseling session on July 8th at 1pm. I will see what happens then. When I broke it off with Andrew, it wasn't because I didn't love him, because there was someone else, or because he was irritating/annoying... it was because I felt unappreciated. But I still loved him just as I do now.

In hugging him, I felt something so good and right... I felt two people who fit together. I've never felt that in hugging someone else and I felt it the first time I hugged Andrew, the first time he held me and I held him in return. I dream of being in his arms, his head resting on mine, our arms enveloping us in each other.