Filming the art of reality

I watched a movie tonight called Something New. It was the story of a black woman falling for a white man and how they both had to overcome obstacles in loving someone of another race. For me, I just don't understand how there are any obstacles.

I am open to people. Perhaps to open sometimes and I invite or have invited unwanted attention upon myself. But I do not see color, I do not see class, I do not see education, I do not see money... I see inside. The only reason I ever thought of not being with Andrew was because I didn't know if I would get my parents' approval, which is something I highly value. My parents, being the wonderful, open, and caring people they are, want only my happiness and were okay with Andrew and I being a couple.

Andrew and I are different. He's black and I'm white. He's old and I'm young. He disabled and I can walk. But it extends beyond those obvious differences. He's lived other places in the country. I've never lived farther than three hours from "home." He didn't finish college and I did. He is a musician and no matter how much I try... I will never have perfect pitch or even know how to tune a guitar. He's lived life yet been sheltered by other people. I've been sheltered by other people and myself. But this is about being open to people. I was and am open to Andrew because of what's inside. I fell for his wisdom, for his melodic voice, for his beautiful teeth, for the way he would carress my legs, for the spark I felt in his presence. Because I am open, I did not miss out on a great experience. I don't have to work at overlooking race, religion, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, etc. I don't even see it.

Someone joked about my seduction of Doctor Nordic God and how I wanted him to be my sugar daddy. I found the whole idea of it appalling. I don't want anyone to think that's why I would want a doctor because presumabley he would have money, that's an awful thought. I don't want money. I want love. I want passion. I want laughter, looks, fun, new adventures, new people to meet... no money.

Money doesn't buy passion or love. I am open to people. I am still open to Andrew. I will go to his counseling session with him because if he thinks it will help him, I will be there. I love Andrew and I always will even if we never date again. We will remain friends even if it's one-sided. I want him in my life in some capacity even if it's just to hear his voice on the phone. I find his voice so calming. He just answers the phone with a "Hello" and my nerves stop jittering. My fingers stop figiting, my mind stops racing. So, if he needs something, I shall try to provide, even my presence. Dr. Nordic God is mostly a figment of my imagination, something to fill my thoughts with, something to fill my time with, and something to talk about. I do not know him as a person and in fact, I could possibly hate him as a person. But I will not cut myself off from Andrew because of a fantasy, because of past failures, because of mistakes he made.

I hate burning bridges and Andrew is one bridge I won't let turn to ash.

I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I fear that no one else will love me. But that's not the issue. I must first love myself, which is what Andrew always wanted me to see... that I was loveable, that I should be loved, and that I must let myself be open to love. So... here goes... to being open... even to myself.