Three Strikes and You're Out

I was on the computer yesterday morning. I was looking for a fun website I'd been to the other day, but didn't remember what it was called. So, I popped open the history folder and began perusing. Because I don't watch tv, mostly because I don't have cable, I spend a lot of time on-line an visit different websites. My boyfriend also uses my computer and visits other websites, so the history was quite full.



I looked and looked for something that jarred my memory. However, something else jarred me. Someone had viewed personal ads on Craigslist, that someone was my boyfriend. He only looked at three of them and according to the color of the links, he replied to none. I confronted him that morning, I asked him why he was looking at personal ads. He said he'd been looking on Craigslist at all the usual stuff he looks at, motorcycles, trailers, free stuff. And then was bored and "decided to see what people wrote on them." I cried and he looked me in the eyes and said I'm all he wants, that he was just bored, that it was nothing.



I still cried. Finally, I stopped crying and told him to make me pancakes. He did and I ate them. Then, I showered. As the hot water hit my skin, my pores opened as did my mind and thoughts came into my head. I need time to think after things happen, after the initial confrontation, and I find the shower the perfect place to do it. I got dressed in the bathroom and came out with a new anger than before.


I asked why he wanted to know what they wrote on their ads. I told him that if he looks at this stuff at my house, how do I know what he finds at work on the internet, I told him that I do not want to get hurt or be taken adventage of again. I've had someone take my generosity for granted and I will not let it happen again. I do not want to look stupid down the road if I were to find out something had ever happened.


He responded with the same explanation as before, that he was bored and just wanted to look. He said why would he look in the nearest "Big City" for a girl if he were going to cheat, why wouldn't he just go out to the bar and find some girl to fuck. I bawled.

And then I let go. Being angry with him won't solve anything. He can't take back what he did. He can't undo it. But I made a decision. He has one more chance to screw up royally, and then he's gone. It's like the law, three chanes and you go away for good. Same for him, three strikes and he goes away for good.

I am not sure we should be together anyway sometimes. We do not want the same kind of life. I do not want children. I don't like their cries, their whines, the wiggling, the giggling, the constant chatter. I do not want them and he does. I want to travel, I want to be active with bike riding, walks, frisbee, golf, and bowling none of which he can do. We have different ideas on the future and I don't know if they mesh.

So, I'm just waiting to see what happens.