It's only me

I am a solitary creature. I generally do not seek the company of others and wait for them to come to me. I spend the majority of my time in my own little world; at work my headphone drown out the other works in the next cubicles over, at home, I day dream and think in my head where no one else may roam.

And yet, when I picture my life in the future or when I think of what I really want in life, those ideals do not conicide with what I do. I want to have the house where people just drop in for no reason at all and where my rooms are always clean, albeit cluttered, with that lived in look. I want to always have the appropriate snacks on hand and be a joyful hostess to my newly arrived guests. I want to have a spare room for those guests who wish to stay the night or a fortnight. But I do not have this nor do I believe I will, for it goes against my very nature.

It seems that all I want goes against my very nature, which is in fact nature that goes against me. I listened to a book on cd about two young ladies around my age, perhaps a couple of years older, who took off an adventure in Peru. They went to complete humanitarian works, and this has always been my dream.

I was an Americorps VISTA, which is like the Peace Corps, but one serves in the United States rather than abroad. However, I never even left the town I was living in to complete my year of service. And then there is my body itself, which does not produce enough chemicals on its own in so many areas, seratonin, insulin, estrogen, etc. Some days, I can eat very bland food and wind up sick, so I see my dream of being overseas and helping the world, as a farce, a lie I tell myself.

Perhaps, one day I can fill my house with all the friends I will make in the Peace Corps, then as we all laugh sitting around the table playing board games, I will wake up and find myself alone, wanting to escape who I am.