Hard

Eric had been in the ICU from Wednesday to Saturday. He moved back down to the oncology floor on Saturday afternoon, but he still hasn't been up and out of bed much. He is so bruised all over and he sleeps all day. One of the doctors said that his body has been through a lot and that it's normal to sleep a lot, to feel tired.

I plan on going home today, which I think is a good thing as I now have a full-blown cold. Before it was just the sniffles and a tickle in my throat. I wote a mask when I was in his room, but now I think it would be better if I went home for a few days to recover. I do NOT want to make The Boy sick. He's got enough on his plate.

It's so hard to watch him be sick. The feeling of helplessness is dragging. When he is awake I constantly ask him if he wants or needs something, which is not what he wants. He just wants to wake up and see me there. I do help him when he asks, but mostly he just wants our emotional support. The nurses and doctors are there for his physical support.

I met a very nice woman whose husband is here receiving treatment for leukemia. She is nice, but that did not prevent me from wanting to punch her in the face, not to mention her husband's. I heard him say "That colored guy told me to go..." What the F? It is not 1950 and the word colored describes objects not people. I had been on the phone in the family room with my parents talking about Eric's status.

When I got off the phone she said it sounded like we were having problems too. I said yes, that he just got moved down from the ICU. She said her husband has blood cancer, she couldn't think of the word leukemia. I said that Eric did too. Then she goes on to say that he probably isn't as bad as her husband who has acute leukemia. I said, yes that's what Eric has too. Then she asked me what the ICU is... wtf.

Okay, first off don't assume your husband who is up, walking, talking, and being faily jovial is worse off than The Boy who just came down from the Intensive Care Unit since his blood pressures was around 40/20 and they couldn't find a pulse, and whose kidneys weren't working. Don't even assume that shit. And the ICU, what the hell... that's a common term.

She's exactly the person I never want to be. We are all here with problems or we wouldn't be hanging around the Mayo clinic.

As I watch the staff here work, I know I want to go back to school. I am still not sure if I want nursing or med school, but the university in the town Eric and I work in has both options. So, I can look into it when I get back and maybe start something when Eric is well again.