Hard

Eric had been in the ICU from Wednesday to Saturday. He moved back down to the oncology floor on Saturday afternoon, but he still hasn't been up and out of bed much. He is so bruised all over and he sleeps all day. One of the doctors said that his body has been through a lot and that it's normal to sleep a lot, to feel tired.

I plan on going home today, which I think is a good thing as I now have a full-blown cold. Before it was just the sniffles and a tickle in my throat. I wote a mask when I was in his room, but now I think it would be better if I went home for a few days to recover. I do NOT want to make The Boy sick. He's got enough on his plate.

It's so hard to watch him be sick. The feeling of helplessness is dragging. When he is awake I constantly ask him if he wants or needs something, which is not what he wants. He just wants to wake up and see me there. I do help him when he asks, but mostly he just wants our emotional support. The nurses and doctors are there for his physical support.

I met a very nice woman whose husband is here receiving treatment for leukemia. She is nice, but that did not prevent me from wanting to punch her in the face, not to mention her husband's. I heard him say "That colored guy told me to go..." What the F? It is not 1950 and the word colored describes objects not people. I had been on the phone in the family room with my parents talking about Eric's status.

When I got off the phone she said it sounded like we were having problems too. I said yes, that he just got moved down from the ICU. She said her husband has blood cancer, she couldn't think of the word leukemia. I said that Eric did too. Then she goes on to say that he probably isn't as bad as her husband who has acute leukemia. I said, yes that's what Eric has too. Then she asked me what the ICU is... wtf.

Okay, first off don't assume your husband who is up, walking, talking, and being faily jovial is worse off than The Boy who just came down from the Intensive Care Unit since his blood pressures was around 40/20 and they couldn't find a pulse, and whose kidneys weren't working. Don't even assume that shit. And the ICU, what the hell... that's a common term.

She's exactly the person I never want to be. We are all here with problems or we wouldn't be hanging around the Mayo clinic.

As I watch the staff here work, I know I want to go back to school. I am still not sure if I want nursing or med school, but the university in the town Eric and I work in has both options. So, I can look into it when I get back and maybe start something when Eric is well again.

Kemia Chemo

I read my last post and would be willing to return to the bathroom problem if we could take back what has happened.

On Thursday, July 17th, Eric was diagnosed with leukemia. It's an acute and rare form. He is currently being treated by the knowledgeable staff at the Mayo clinic. He is in the ICU receiving dialysis since his kidneys are under- functioning. After a very scary Tuesday, his blood pressure and oxygen levels are better. He looks so fragile hooked up to all those tubes, monitors, and gadgets. And it's hard to see The Boy as fragile as he is a very big guy.

He's been sleeping a lot. I couldn't make it down here until Wednesday afternoon but am so glad I am here to be with him. Even if all I do is sit across the room and watch him. It feels so much better than sitting at my desk agonizing over how he's doing, how he's feeling, and what's going on.

Life takes on some new meanings when things become scary. Little things don't seem to matter so much anymore. Living is where it's at and living good is what it's all about.

Lately, I'd been talking about what I want to do with my life and having seen quality care in action, I want to go into medicine. I haven't decided if I want to be a nurse with the more hands on approach or a doctor with the scientific side being more heavily weighted. Whichever I choose, The Boy, said I had to do something in oncology. I think I can handle that.

Here's to chemotherapy, here's to the doctors and nurses, here's to all the people who care, and here's to living large and living hard (not hard living, but living hard).

To The Boy- I love you. That's all that needs to be said. I love you.

Tick Tock

My life has begun to revolve around the bathroom. I shower in the morning, by the time I get to work I usually have to pee, then for some reason my intestines believe that they must expell all their contents.

I have had diarrhea every day since June 30. It's becoming unpleasant. I had some tests performed and they came back negative. So, I am still pooping and have no answers. My next test is to complete eliminate all dairy products. If that doesn't work and the medical community doesn't have any other answers, we're moving on to wheat gluten.

Hurley, our first puppy was spayed on Monday. When I went to pick her up at the vet's office, I nearly cried. She tried to lick my face just once, but wasn't up for it. I just held her in my arms and made a cozy place for her on my front seat. When I brought her in the house, I placed her on the loveseat with blankets. I sat with her most of the night just petting her head and stroking her back. She kept looking at me with these sad eyes that seem to say to me "Why did you let them do this to me? How could you?"

I left her on the couch all night, where I don't believe she moved. Norris, oh little Norris. I picked him up and let him sniff Hurley. Since she spent most of the day in a kennel with other animals around, she smelled a little funny. Well, apparently to Norris she smelled scary. He started shaking and looked terrified. Eventually, he came around and just sat next to his pal and sister all night. The next morning and definitely this morning, I knew she was better.

She still can't boing boing jump like she used to, but she's putting her front paws up on our legs like she always did. My sweet little girl will always be a little girl now. Well, I may be lying about the sweet part.

Simply News

Hello all.

I simply have little news. I am not quite sure if I could dwindle it down to no news, but perhaps scant new shall work.

The Boy was approved by his insurance company for his weight loss surgery. This means he has a month and half to lose 50 pounds. I hope no other obstacles get in his way or he shall lose his way on this journey. He will seek refuge in the fridge and will no longer try to obtain this goal of weight loss surgery. He is having something done that is different. Here is a website if you feel like checking it out: http://www.duodenalswitch.com/

I, on the other hand, lost five pounds since weighing myself last. I am wondering if this is due to the constant diarrhea that I have. I went to the doctor for it since it lasted a week and I am frankly tired of spending many minutes, maybe even hours in the bathroom each day. I was the lucky patient who had to give a sample... yeah, that kind of sample. Now, they recommend that you get a bowl, such as a Cool-Whip or Margerine tub to use. One that's clean and has been washed. I knew I didn't have any of these at home so I headed to the dollar store where life's dreams can be fulfilled. Well, at least my need for a cheap throw-away bowl. They had four plastic bowls for a dollar. I scooped one pack up and went home.

I would have given the sample at the doctor's office, but there was literally nothing left in me. So, at home armed with my bowl, a spastic bowel, and a plugged nose I scooped my poop. The vials I received had little spoons attached to their covers. After I was done, I threw my quarter away. It was disgusting, but hopefully I'll garner some answers. It'll be a five day or so wait on the results so I'll just be sitting here (most likely in the bathroom) waiting for the answers.

In other lab news, my father is awaiting his results on the tests for lyme disease and West Nile Virus. He does not have Mono.