It's afraid and I am dark

Fear. I have great amounts of fear and I am scared of many things. The dark, leggings, cats sometimes, missing teeth, being used, etc.

Fear paralyzes me. I haven't checked my mail box. I am too afraid and I do not know what I am afraid of. Perhaps it's the unknown. But I know what bills are in there and I have paid most of them. I fear getting ready for my big trip to NY because of the unknown. I don't know if I'll get back to work on time, if the trip will go smoothly, if the flight will arrive on time, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and rather than helping myself by preparing, I hide. I step away from the problem and wish it to vanish. However, it does not work. The problem merely gets bigger, the deadline merely gets closer.

I have started one application to school and haven't finished it. I don't know why I am so slow at getting this done. I have chosen my three top schools.

However, now leaving will be difficult. I am officially someone's girlfriend now and it's great. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh. We shall see what the future brings. I guess I have to continue for with my plans or else I'll never get there. And I refuse to let my dream die.

I fear the unknown future. I am afraid it will hurt. Getting back up again feels harder each time Depression takes its grip on me. It's easier to fall into that black hole and it's harder to climb out. To me, the words Love and Depression should always be capitalized. And we shouldn't use such words in such superficial manners. One should not Love pizza but people. One is not Depressed if they can't find the right shoes, but can't get out of bed to put on shoes. Words are powerful and I want to use them to motivate me to get over my fears.

I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to be brave.
I want to be kind.
I want to be....
Not afraid of myself.