I am a wandering river looking for a new path

Sometimes I wonder about myself, my feminist values, and where I truly find myself. I met a man on Friday. We "met" throught he internet and after about a month of emailing and two weeks or so of chatting on the phone we met in person. Before anyone decides to chide me for risking my safety, I was smart, or so I think. I emailed a friend and let her know where I was going, who I was meeting, what his phone number is, where we were meeting, and that if I didn't call her by a certain time that she should feel free to do something, which could range from calling this man (I shall call him Hoss) to calling the authorities.

So, I met this man and it was a good meeting. I like him and he likes me in return. As to where it's going and what kind of relationship it is, I have no idea. But I am enjoying the moment. However, this is where I wonder where my ability to follow the creed, "I don't need a man to be happy." I do not need a man to be happy, but since I've met him I've been calling my friends, hanging out, wanting to get out of my apartment and not be alone. I don't know if spending the day with someone, not particularly him, was the catalyst or I was just ready to head out into the world again and meeting him was the first opportunity I had? I don't want to be that girl who can't live without a man, who is a different person when in a relationship. I don't want that. And tonight while I spent some time with the girls, one said, "She's back" about me, my attitude, my personality, and my presence. I enjoy this for part of me does feel back. A giddy, gooshy centered part of me and part of me that feels like being in the company of others.

I question where that girl was a few weeks ago or was my heart still sad? I saw Andrew the other night, Thursday morning to be exact. I saw him and felt nothing. Not a twinge of wanting to be with him, not one urge to kiss him, and I searched deep for that urge to connect lip to lip. This was before I met Hoss so he had nothing to do with it. Was feeling control over myself around Andrew a sign that I could venture out into the world? And have I been alone, without a man, since I'd been carrying Andrew around in my head and my heart?

Am I truly happy on my own? I am torn between wanting to live up to my feminist values, yet I am completely impressed that Hoss opened the car door for me, paid for dinner, and asked for nothing in return. I am the one who made the sexual advances, I was the one who was being touchy feely. It's like I need a man's positive comments so that I can tell them to other people so that I can feel better about myself. That through them, I am better than the real person I am, which if the man is being true and not just looking to get into my pants, I am all those things he says I am. I am those positive comments.

So, I sit torn, smitten, and excited. I also feel awake after feeling asleep for a few weeks. No one can ever understand how I feel when I wake up from life and feel as if I've been sleeping for a long period of time. Well, maybe some can. It's a haze I cannot clear, a fuzz I can't remove, and a feeling I can't beat down. Depression doesn't always have to make a person unable function on all levels. Sometimes, it just removes your dreams or tarnishes them so much that you look at it and think it's a pile of crap. Who wants to accomplish a crap dream or goal? No one. It's the shiny dream that makes you sit up and say, yes! I will do that some day! And start those little steps towards that BIG SOME DAY.

So, here's to staying awake, staying true to myself, my feelings, my dreams, and to giving love a shot all at the same time.