I was low last week. Dishes sit in my sink growing fuzzy green mold and white blobs of decay. Clothes line the floor, I even step on clean clothes to get to my destinations and do not care. I dropped a knife on the floor and it wasn't until I stepped on it about five times that I finally found the energy to pick it up. Today, I finally combed my hair for the first time in five days. I am not sure why this happens, but it feels like I slept through my period of being awake. I was so high on the previous Sunday, laughing, joking, and enjoying myself. Then, I fall to the floor and flood myself with tears. I can't make the effort to pay my bills on time. I am too scared to check the mail. I cry for reasons unknown to me.
Next Monday, I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist, hopefully my meds can be readjusted to something better. Andrew thinks I'm bipolar and I am starting to wonder if I am not...
I am awake now. I am not high on life, I am not low low low, but I do feel a bit sad. I am lonely. I wake up each morning by myself, I go home each night to an empty apartment, I have two friends, Andrew and Kris, that I actually spend time with, and they are both busy with lives of their own. I am sad, but functional. Now, I am going to try and take a nap until it's time to get up for work.
Work- I dislike my job. It requires little mental ability, no creativity, and basically you do most of the tasks alone. I am always alone. Alone at work, alone at home. I can go out by myself to eat or to a movie, but in the end I am still sitting alone. No one to nudge and say, did you see that? No one to steal food from, or give my tomatoes to. I am unsure what I am doing with my life and I feel like I am wasting it. I am unsure what I could be doing that wouldn't be wasting it.
I don't do much of anything anymore. Sad.
4 comments:
I understand the feeling of always being alone. I have come to enjoy my alone time (most of the time) and I hope that you will someday be able to enjoy it too. Maybe adjusting your meds will help. Or maybe finding something you love to do will help too. If you aren't happy with your job, find a new one. And if you can't find any you love, go back to school. Keep in mind that student loans are the cheapest debt you will ever be in, so go back to school if you need to. Or, I know you love taking photos, go to photography school... I know this great one;). If I was closer to you, I would be a friend you would hang out with on a regular basis. I hope you start being happy again. When did this all start? Was it like this for you in high school too and I never knew about it? I hope not... but we did spend all our time together, so I hope that I would have noticed. I hope you can find that happy, fun, loving Amber that I remember and loved, I know she is in there hiding somewhere. I want you to be happy again. But regardless of whether you find that Amber, I will still love you anyway you are... Ambey:).
cd, I was a little like this in high school, but it became much worse in college. Particularly my second year of college, I hit what I call bottom. Or as close to bottom as I ever want to be. And the happy Amber still exists. It's just that the sad one can sometimes take over my life and well, then I'm not really living. But I do know that I need meds to be functional and to handle life.
But thanks for the well wishes, and of course, I want you to be happy also.
I just wanted to share these lyrics with you:
My Old Friend by Tim McGraw
My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again
My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets thin, my old friend
Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why
My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live on long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye
Yes, I realize that the song is probably about someone dying, but I thought that they worked for us since we don't know when we will see each other again. And I just wanted you to know that of all the people I have met, you remain one of the best.
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