Why do I do these things?

Sometimes I do not have any excuses for myself. I cannot conjure up those words that will make me feel better for being a failure. I had an appointment this morning at 10am, of which I was instructed to be there thirty minutes prior. I set my alarm, alas, I only set one alarm. I don't get off work until 11:30 and didn't make it home until midnight. I am usually wound up from work and cannot jump into the bed the minute I walk in the door. So, I stayed awake and puttered around. I packed a few things, I ate some dinner, I worked on some word puzzles, I played online, and finally felt the tuggings of sleep in my eyelids.

I laid down. I wiggled. I turned my head, I cocooned in the blankets as I so love to do, and nothing. Sleep hid from me, it tortured me by calling my name and telling me how sweet it would be. But alas, it did not show itself to me. Finally, sleep must have come out from hiding. I woke up at 10am, just in time for my appointment. But because arriving a half hour before the appointment was so stressed, I called to wonder if I should still go. The clerk told me that I should not go there, that I should reschedule. Damn.

I tried to reschedule, but nothing worked. I am moving in a week and will be living an hour away with a not-quite permanent work schedule. Thus, this cancelled all of my appointments for the day, the endocrinologist, the diabetic educator, and the nutritionist. So, I called my regular physician to leave her the message that I missed that appointment and I could not get into see the endocrinologist until next week, which doesn't work for me. I called my aunt, who is also a doctor in The Boy's town, to ask her for a recommendation for a regular physician and an endo doctor. We'll see how it all pans out.

I am lame. Sleeping too late made me cry and I felt so much shame. I am scared The Boy will be so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

I also keep having dreams I cannot breathe. Today, I actually can't. I am so stuffed up and coughy. I called in sick. I no longer care what they think. I need some rest before Monday, a chance to get well so I can think and learn new things. So, I can start my new life fresh.

It's Girl of Approval, signing off and screwing up.

Apartment II

Because I was already in town viewing apartments, I figured it would be a good time to visit The Boy. We went to lunch and it was fun. I was so giddy about my new place. I couldn't sit still. I was bouncing in my chair.

Afterwards, I went to visit my old college roommie and I had so much fun just chilling with her while we glanced at the tv now and again. She just gets me and makes me laugh. :) When I finally showed up at The Boy's place, he said he was getting worried but that he knew I was at her house and thought that if I didn't come home by 11:30pm, he would go looking for me. Awww, sweet. :) He cares.

I am not sure how to say this. I don't know if I want to make it elaborate or just lay it out there on the table and say it. I am leaning towards the latter. I lost my virginity that night. It wasn't the greatest moment. It was quick, slightly painful, and nice. We were safe and protected. And I'm glad I waited and glad that it wasn't a big production. Just a spur of the moment, let's do it kind of thing. I think if there had been a lot of drama with it, I would have been disappointed. But the way it was.... was nice.

Apartment

I am an internet junkie. If I can find it online, I'll be there looking for it. I found an apartment management company in The Boy's town and applied for some apartments online. I had Monday off and had planned on spending it doing laundry, but the management company called and said that they had some apartments to show me and when could I see them. So, I dashed off to The Boy's town and saw some ugly apartments for expensive amounts. Well, expensive to this area. We make people in other parts of the country scream with envy when they hear our apartment rents. Thus, I am spoiled.

However, the first two apartments I saw were cringe worthy. Torn, dirty carpet, metal closet doors (this is the weirdest phenomena I've seen in The Boy's town), gold appliances. I cannot have gold appliances. I developed a phobia when I lived with my roommate in our first apartment. We had two gold fridges, both of which had mildew growing on the inside of the fridge where the motor, coolant machinery is. And it made our food taste awful, it made us sick, and to this day I remember the smell. The smell still makes me gag. It was thankfully winter when this problem started occurring and we could store our food outside on the patio area. So, they were totally horrible apartments and they require the tennant to pay heat, electricity, and hot water. Hot water?!!! What kind of crazies are they?

So, I had a list of other apartment addresses I just wanted to do drive-by's on to see what they looked like on the outside since I am not completely familiar with this town. I wound up having to pee and decided that I'd get a paper while I was at a gas station. This proved to be the greatest choice. I got the paper, circled a few promising ads, and with the knowledge that my dad told me "I'd rather have you in a nicer apartment than a shabby one and have us subsidize your for longer," I moved my price range up. It pays to be Daddy's little girl. :)

So, I called and a man answered. He was actually at the building I wanted to see. I met him there, we went in and I saw new carpet, wooden closet doors, white appliances, heat and hot water are paid, there is a garage, I saw a microwave above the stove, the bathroom was all white, and I said I want it. He said okay, let's fill out paperwork and get your credit check started. By the end of the night, I paid my deposit and now I have a cute, two-bed room apartment that I like. So, yea!

I think once I am all moved in I shall have a house warming party.

Move that ass

I learned new words this weekend: Mixer, amp, light board, mini disc, and while I had heard them before I learned what they do. I went with The Boy to his work Christmas Party where he was djing. I have no idea how to mix the sounds together, no idea how to choose the next song, how to layer the sounds, no clue. But I had fun watching him do his thing. He sounded so confident on the microphone, no waiver in his voice, no feed back from the mic, nothing but pure tenor. He has a great voice. I love listening to him talk.

So, I sat with him while he worked. I helped set up and take down. I'm a good helper. I assisted in handing out the prizes when names were called and people came up for their large gifts. I picked out a prize when The Boy won something from the prize table filled with little gifts. And I melted on the dance floor. It was nearing the end of the evening. The crowd had left, leaving only a few stragglers. I leaned over to his ear and said, "The next song you play should be a slow song and you should dance with me." He poked through his music, found a song, and reached for my hand. He turned the lights down low, casting a beautiful glow on us. We stood on the dance floor, bodies together, and swayed to the music. The DJ doesn't dance but he does dance with me. :) I melted while he sang to me, I melted while he looked at me in the eyes, and I melted while I held my hands around his neck trying to hold myself up. Of course, he is a boy and had to add something perverse into the song. Right at the end of the song, Make You Feel My Love by Garth Brooks, the line is to Make you feel my love, The Boy sang "To make you feel my penis." I laughed and the moment broke, leaving me with a glorious feeling and a slap for The Boy.

The Boy showed me where he is going to live from now on. He moved to town, which is nice since now it won't be such a chore to drive to town and then back to his rental house in the country. But I will miss the scenary, the quiet, and the house itself. It has memories for me now. But we can make new memories at his new apartment. And at my new apartment.

I received a phone call today from one of the jobs I interviewed for on Thursday. I was offered the position and it is more money, there are chances for advancement, the benefits are free, and it's in The Boy's town. So, I accepted the position after speaking with The Boy and my father. I am excited about being in the same town with him and my ex-roommie!!!! :) I met up with her last Thursday after my interviews and had so much fun talking to her about girl things, such as shoes, how her teaching is going, her wedding, how she is the prom advisor at school this year, and other things. I miss having that girl in my life on a daily basis and it will be nice to see her more often.

I accepted the position, called my apartment complex to find how many days notice I must give, and I called The Men in my life. I will miss living in this town. I've been here since 1999 off and on. I call it home and I shall miss the comfort of it. I wonder if I will feel the same about The Boy's town in time. I wonder if I will find that acceptance I feel here. Or maybe, I am just accepting myself more than anything else. Now, I must find an apartment there. I do not want to live with The Boy quite yet. There is plenty of time for that later. I must get my life on track. I must...live for me.

I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited. I am ready.

A bunch of stuff in a row

I wrote an entry last night and it didn't post for some reason. I am most upset. I don't know where it went but I cannot find it. Alas, I cannot recall all I wrote.

I have two job interviews in The Boy's town on Thursday. One of them would be a substantial increase in pay so I would move there for that one. But the other one is for about what I am making now, if not less. So, I would probably not take that one, but it's nice to get my name out there in case I apply at the same company later. We'll see.

I hate January. I think it's the worst month. It's depressing to me. The sun shines falsely. It's bright, clear skied, and cold. It should be warm like spring sunshine that fills you with hope, that makes your whole body feel radiant. Also, because of the new year, I tend to wonder about the progress I've made in life and it depresses me that I feel I've never come very far. Sigh.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I always question if I am doing the right thing, but in the end do we know? We can only go with one option most of the time and making decisions is hard for me.

UHaul

I am considering and attempting to move to the town in which The Boy lives. Some may consider this silly, but I have no real attachments to this town other than my grandparents live here. However, The Boy's town is only an hour's drive away. The friends I used to spend time with here have all found their own lives not including me or they moved away. My ex-roommate from college lives in the same town as The Boy and so I would have a built-in friend, whom I very much miss the company of- she and I could laugh about the silliest things. Especially, things that occurred late at night and included making models of toilets. Boufanana.

I have applied for some jobs up there and have received interest from three people thus far. Rent is more expensive where The Boy lives and I will have to downsize my apartment from a two bedroom to a one bedroom. The Boy did ask me if I would move into with him, but after considering it, I decided that it's too soon. I am not ready to make such a commitment. I love him, but that's a level I've never been to and it's one he just got out of not even a year ago. In May of 2006, he was supposed to get married and the wedding did not happen. I think we both need time to live alone but in the same town so we can see what it's like to have a more "casual" relationship, in that we don't have to plan so carefully when we are going to see each other again. We don't have to concentrate our visits with each other like we do now because sometimes a week to a week and a half will separate our time together. Also, his finances are a disaster and I'm not ready to shoulder any responsibility that may come my way because I chose to live with him. Not yet anyway.

I love him. I think he's great and I have a lot of fun with him. So, I think we should take it slow and ease into everything. We have plenty of time to enjoy each other's company should we choose to do so. If I do move there, I will be immensely sad to leave my apartment. I loved swimming in the pool on hot days while no one else was there. I loved the layout, I loved the rooms, and the character of it. It just felt like home more than any other place I've lived since leaving my parents. My mom is supportive of my moving to be closer to The Boy, but agrees that I shouldn't get into this without thinking.

I am also a loner. I spent a great deal of time alone and enjoy it. So, I fear moving in with someone on the idea that they would be there most of the time, especially since I've had two years of living alone under my belt. It changes you.

We'll see what happens... for I know not the future and know not what it may bring.

It's the people not the work

At work, I wear a hairnet. It's quite lovely and blue. It's different looking from your usual hairnet, but nonetheless it does the same duty: keep hair out of things. When I went into an area where we clean equipment, I put on another kind of hairnet. However, when I left both hairnets came off at the same time and into the garbage they went. I went to the locker room to retrieve some money and run off to the cafeteria for a snack, but before I made it to my locker a co-worker stopped me to ask how The Boy's wisdom tooth extration went. I was filling her in on the details, the grossest of which is that when the dentist pulled one of his wisdom teeth, he said it was the longest root he'd ever seen. Now, when the boy breathes though his mouth you can hear air rush into his sinuses, which is how far the root went up into his mouth. It is the more horrible sound, but I keep asking him to do it.

While we are chatting, one of our area's Leads walks into the locker room and berates me for not wearing a hairnet, which I was about to retrieve from the shelf anyway. I make a face or something and she tells me to step into her office when I am through in there. So much for that snack. We finish chatting and I walk into the office where she states that she's not trying to pick on me but that we have to wear the hairnets and if our hair touches our scrubs we have to change our shirts.

This rule is ludicrous. We put on our scrubs in the locker room and don't put the hairnet on until we are in the lobby area of our department. We don our scrubs and our hair touches them when we put them on. Oy. So, we discuss that for a moment and then she asks if everything is okay, mean while another lead stares on. She said that I seem different from when I first started, that I seem less enthusiastic, less peppy, etc. She asked if I wanted a different shift or if I had a problem with the one I was working now. I said no, that I enjoyed my shift. I did mention that I was bored with the job. She said that there's always something to do and I inserted that it's not mentally stimulating work. She said that's the nature of the job and I kept my mouth shut.

The things I didn't say were that I do think the job is boring, but more importantly I used to think I could make a difference there, that I could make some positive changes. And when I figured out that nothing was going to change, that status quo would remain in place, I became cynical. I don't like my job and I am always looking for a new one. I started applying for jobs in the town which The Boy lives, about an hour north of where I currently live. I don't want to work in CSPD forever. It's a stopping point, nothing more. Something to pay the bills. And if they don't realize that, if they don't realize that we hate their managerial skills, of which they have none, they need a wake up call.

We had a staff meeting on Wednesday. I brought up one of the policies they follow to a T, which is the occurrence policy. If you arrive to work later than 29 minutes, you receive an occurrence. If you call in sick or use any Unplanned Paid Time Off, you receive an occurrence. The occurrences stay on your record for a rolling year. If you get on in April of 2007, it won't drop off until April of 2008. One you reach eight occurrences, you are fired. I commented on the unfairness of this policy.

The head manager stated that this is the policy set forth by HR throughout the company. I said that I read in the policy mannual that it is up to the discretion of the department manager to decide what is an occurrence and what is not. She said that she's brought it up to HR before and they state that the occurrence policy must be followed. However, this is a lie. She is passing the buck off onto someone else because she is too afraid to take responsibility for any of her choices. She can choose what is an occurrence, she can choose who she fires and does not. She does not need to blanket everyone with the same rooms for fear she'll be accussed of favoritism. Obviously, she needs a dictionary and some help with the definitions of discretion and favoritism, which I might add she participates in anyway.

She said in the meeting, "We have a high turn-over rate and some of those people quite because of the occurrence policy." Hmmm, duh. Think we need to revamp that policy? Also, she stated that this policy is equivalent to having 7 days of vacation per year, which if you're sick what kind of vacation is that? And she said that she's biased because she doesn't have kids nor does she get sick very often. She asked, "Well, you don't plan on getting sick eight times a year do you?" Ah ha! That's where she's wrong. It's only seven times the first year, after that it's however many you have on your rolling calendar. Also, what about those with kids? Children get sick and someone has to stay home with them, to be punished for that is inconceivable, especially since we all work in a hospital. What about those of us with poor immune systems? We get sick. No, we don't plan on it. It just happens. Again, we work in a hospital and our surrounded by germs.

And if we try coming to work with a communicable disease/infection like pink eye, strep, etc we are sent home with an occurrence.

Where's the justice in that? I would love to try and unionize that job, but I don't know how to go about doing it. But having some power behind us, having some weight and leverage would have to help. I'd get fired, but what the hell... making a difference in a cynical way could be a dream come true.

It's about Time

Christmas with my family went well. I arrived on Saturday afternoon and enjoyed a nap soon thereafter. My parents call their home and its tendency to make people want to take naps, "Sleepy House Syndrome." They've wondered whether there is too much carbon dioxide or some other toxic leeching into the air or walls, but nothing registers when tests are done. But you walk into the house and want to take a nap. Then we went out for our Christmas Chinese food dinner. People seem to think it's weird that we eat Chinese food at Christmas, but that's our tradition.

It happened one night when I was younger. We were driving home from my grandmother's house on Christmas Day when a snow storm turned into a blizzard not allowing us to venture all the way home. We stopped in a smaller town and tried to find some place to eat. The only restaurant in the whole town that was open was a Chinese food place. Thus, a tradition was born.

Also, on Christmas we see a movie. It doesn't have to be exactly on Christmas Day but a few days before hand will also suffice. It's a nice bonding experience, especially when my brother chooses to join us. That doesn't always happen, though like this Christmas he was only around for gift opening time. Although, I must give him credit he did watch a movie with my mom and me after we opened presents. My dad has a weird aversion to watching tapes or DVD's. I don't quite know the reasoning behind it. He'll watch movie chanels on cable, he goes to movies, but as soon as one in the form of a tape or DVD appears, he bows out.

I enjoyed spending time with my family. It's something I don't get to do often enough. Today I visited my grandmother and grandfather who live mere twenty minutes from me, and whom I don't see as much as one would think. However, by the time dinner was over and Wheel of Fortune was ending, my grandmother was nodding off and my grandfather had left the kitchen in search of some sports on tv. But it was enjoyable nonetheless.

I have nothing more to say other than family is one of the greatest things in the world, that is if you have a good one. And if you weren't born into a good one, create a great one of your own. It can be made of friends, a lover, a spouse, a child, but your family does not have to be blood.

I hope your family is well today and everyday in the future.

A greeting and a reason

Before Christmas arrived, I called Andrew to wish him a Merry Christmas and to see how he was doing. It had been almost three months since he and I had spoken, all previous contact since we broke up was because of my efforts. I know he is not close to his family and I thought that he'd be alone for the holidays and I wanted him to know that someone was thinking of him. He seemed happy to hear from me and yet he was also so sad. He did nothing but bring me down. Nothing has changed in his life because he does not want anything to change. I think he fears being happy and finding something new in life than he does staying in that state of depression. I only speak from the outside, not the inside. I don't know if this is true.

We went through the pleasantries, the how are you's, the what are you up to's... he is not doing well mentally. He missed a few of his appointments with his therapist and wound up with some people from the city/state coming to his apartment to see if he was all right. He works a lot and had no plans for Christmas Day except that he may have to work. I inquired about his health, his happiness, and he asked me about my car.

I sighed and realized why we were never a good match. Two depressed people can often bring each other down. There's not a stronger person to lean on when things are looking down. You'll both lean so hard that you'll push each other even further below that line of horror, of hell. Plus, he was what I lusted after. I recall spending time with him wondering when we were going to move onto the physical aspect of our relationship whereas with The Boy, I enjoy talking to him, enjoy seeing him and engaging in other activities. And so I learn.

I mentioned The Boy in passing to Andrew while talking about some art I received for Christmas. It's a very large picture and I need someone else to help me hang it not to mention that we're going to have to put the picture into a stud or use some anchors if we can't find studs. I called him The Boy and Andrew became confused at the mention of this term. When I advised Andrew that I have a boyfriend, Andrew promptly said that he should let me go.

I was saddened by our chat in that I had hoped we could be friends. But we can't. We just aren't good for each other. I also remember something he said to me one of the last times I saw him in personl. I told him I was researching schools and this time I was determined to go. Andrew's next words stomped on my heart and my dreams. He said that in 15 years I'll still be here and won't have gone to school. A true friend, no matter how unlikely the possiblilty of someone's dream, does not make such statements. A piece of my heart turned black and fell off. I wanted to throw that rotted, hard piece of myself at him and give him a black eye.

However, I decided that Andrew wasn't worth a piece of my heart. I grabbed it back, cleaned it off, soaked it in some water, and put it back into the space it belongs. Now, it's growing green and new.

It's a wonder night

I went to Walmart last night, which was my first no no. But I was feeling antsy and I wanted a hands free head set for my cordless phone since I talked to The Boy so much. It's hard to get anything done while I'm holding the phone. Plus, I wanted to pick up his "Santa" gifts. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he said he wanted a new car, which I can't afford and he was being silly. So, I bought him a Matchbox Volvo SUV. It's cute and red. I also bought him a new battery-operated toothbrush, a cribbage board, and some gum. I am going to put all this stuff in the stocking that we hung up at his house.

I also purchased some Macaroni and Cheese from the greatest Mac and Cheese makers ever-Kraft. I bought the organic variety because I want to see if it tastes any different from the regular. So, up to the register I go at 3:30am and the boy at the counter looks a little odd, but then again who works at Walmart at 3am and is normal? So, I wait my turn and he checks out all my purchases, and comments on my organic Mac and Cheese. "Organic, huh? I didn't know they made organic." I say that they do, obviously, they do. You're holding the box. I don't say that though, just think it. Then he ponders more, "Wait, how can they make organic, aren't noodles processed?" I say that noodles are processed but its about how they grow the ingredients that go into the noodles that make it organic and that they don't use pesticides and whatnot. He smiles and retorts, "They could just get venus fly traps... for the bugs."

Ah, yes. They could. My, my, my.