Christmas with my family went well. I arrived on Saturday afternoon and enjoyed a nap soon thereafter. My parents call their home and its tendency to make people want to take naps, "Sleepy House Syndrome." They've wondered whether there is too much carbon dioxide or some other toxic leeching into the air or walls, but nothing registers when tests are done. But you walk into the house and want to take a nap. Then we went out for our Christmas Chinese food dinner. People seem to think it's weird that we eat Chinese food at Christmas, but that's our tradition.
It happened one night when I was younger. We were driving home from my grandmother's house on Christmas Day when a snow storm turned into a blizzard not allowing us to venture all the way home. We stopped in a smaller town and tried to find some place to eat. The only restaurant in the whole town that was open was a Chinese food place. Thus, a tradition was born.
Also, on Christmas we see a movie. It doesn't have to be exactly on Christmas Day but a few days before hand will also suffice. It's a nice bonding experience, especially when my brother chooses to join us. That doesn't always happen, though like this Christmas he was only around for gift opening time. Although, I must give him credit he did watch a movie with my mom and me after we opened presents. My dad has a weird aversion to watching tapes or DVD's. I don't quite know the reasoning behind it. He'll watch movie chanels on cable, he goes to movies, but as soon as one in the form of a tape or DVD appears, he bows out.
I enjoyed spending time with my family. It's something I don't get to do often enough. Today I visited my grandmother and grandfather who live mere twenty minutes from me, and whom I don't see as much as one would think. However, by the time dinner was over and Wheel of Fortune was ending, my grandmother was nodding off and my grandfather had left the kitchen in search of some sports on tv. But it was enjoyable nonetheless.
I have nothing more to say other than family is one of the greatest things in the world, that is if you have a good one. And if you weren't born into a good one, create a great one of your own. It can be made of friends, a lover, a spouse, a child, but your family does not have to be blood.
I hope your family is well today and everyday in the future.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
A greeting and a reason
Before Christmas arrived, I called Andrew to wish him a Merry Christmas and to see how he was doing. It had been almost three months since he and I had spoken, all previous contact since we broke up was because of my efforts. I know he is not close to his family and I thought that he'd be alone for the holidays and I wanted him to know that someone was thinking of him. He seemed happy to hear from me and yet he was also so sad. He did nothing but bring me down. Nothing has changed in his life because he does not want anything to change. I think he fears being happy and finding something new in life than he does staying in that state of depression. I only speak from the outside, not the inside. I don't know if this is true.
We went through the pleasantries, the how are you's, the what are you up to's... he is not doing well mentally. He missed a few of his appointments with his therapist and wound up with some people from the city/state coming to his apartment to see if he was all right. He works a lot and had no plans for Christmas Day except that he may have to work. I inquired about his health, his happiness, and he asked me about my car.
I sighed and realized why we were never a good match. Two depressed people can often bring each other down. There's not a stronger person to lean on when things are looking down. You'll both lean so hard that you'll push each other even further below that line of horror, of hell. Plus, he was what I lusted after. I recall spending time with him wondering when we were going to move onto the physical aspect of our relationship whereas with The Boy, I enjoy talking to him, enjoy seeing him and engaging in other activities. And so I learn.
I mentioned The Boy in passing to Andrew while talking about some art I received for Christmas. It's a very large picture and I need someone else to help me hang it not to mention that we're going to have to put the picture into a stud or use some anchors if we can't find studs. I called him The Boy and Andrew became confused at the mention of this term. When I advised Andrew that I have a boyfriend, Andrew promptly said that he should let me go.
I was saddened by our chat in that I had hoped we could be friends. But we can't. We just aren't good for each other. I also remember something he said to me one of the last times I saw him in personl. I told him I was researching schools and this time I was determined to go. Andrew's next words stomped on my heart and my dreams. He said that in 15 years I'll still be here and won't have gone to school. A true friend, no matter how unlikely the possiblilty of someone's dream, does not make such statements. A piece of my heart turned black and fell off. I wanted to throw that rotted, hard piece of myself at him and give him a black eye.
However, I decided that Andrew wasn't worth a piece of my heart. I grabbed it back, cleaned it off, soaked it in some water, and put it back into the space it belongs. Now, it's growing green and new.
We went through the pleasantries, the how are you's, the what are you up to's... he is not doing well mentally. He missed a few of his appointments with his therapist and wound up with some people from the city/state coming to his apartment to see if he was all right. He works a lot and had no plans for Christmas Day except that he may have to work. I inquired about his health, his happiness, and he asked me about my car.
I sighed and realized why we were never a good match. Two depressed people can often bring each other down. There's not a stronger person to lean on when things are looking down. You'll both lean so hard that you'll push each other even further below that line of horror, of hell. Plus, he was what I lusted after. I recall spending time with him wondering when we were going to move onto the physical aspect of our relationship whereas with The Boy, I enjoy talking to him, enjoy seeing him and engaging in other activities. And so I learn.
I mentioned The Boy in passing to Andrew while talking about some art I received for Christmas. It's a very large picture and I need someone else to help me hang it not to mention that we're going to have to put the picture into a stud or use some anchors if we can't find studs. I called him The Boy and Andrew became confused at the mention of this term. When I advised Andrew that I have a boyfriend, Andrew promptly said that he should let me go.
I was saddened by our chat in that I had hoped we could be friends. But we can't. We just aren't good for each other. I also remember something he said to me one of the last times I saw him in personl. I told him I was researching schools and this time I was determined to go. Andrew's next words stomped on my heart and my dreams. He said that in 15 years I'll still be here and won't have gone to school. A true friend, no matter how unlikely the possiblilty of someone's dream, does not make such statements. A piece of my heart turned black and fell off. I wanted to throw that rotted, hard piece of myself at him and give him a black eye.
However, I decided that Andrew wasn't worth a piece of my heart. I grabbed it back, cleaned it off, soaked it in some water, and put it back into the space it belongs. Now, it's growing green and new.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
It's a wonder night
I went to Walmart last night, which was my first no no. But I was feeling antsy and I wanted a hands free head set for my cordless phone since I talked to The Boy so much. It's hard to get anything done while I'm holding the phone. Plus, I wanted to pick up his "Santa" gifts. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he said he wanted a new car, which I can't afford and he was being silly. So, I bought him a Matchbox Volvo SUV. It's cute and red. I also bought him a new battery-operated toothbrush, a cribbage board, and some gum. I am going to put all this stuff in the stocking that we hung up at his house.
I also purchased some Macaroni and Cheese from the greatest Mac and Cheese makers ever-Kraft. I bought the organic variety because I want to see if it tastes any different from the regular. So, up to the register I go at 3:30am and the boy at the counter looks a little odd, but then again who works at Walmart at 3am and is normal? So, I wait my turn and he checks out all my purchases, and comments on my organic Mac and Cheese. "Organic, huh? I didn't know they made organic." I say that they do, obviously, they do. You're holding the box. I don't say that though, just think it. Then he ponders more, "Wait, how can they make organic, aren't noodles processed?" I say that noodles are processed but its about how they grow the ingredients that go into the noodles that make it organic and that they don't use pesticides and whatnot. He smiles and retorts, "They could just get venus fly traps... for the bugs."
Ah, yes. They could. My, my, my.
I also purchased some Macaroni and Cheese from the greatest Mac and Cheese makers ever-Kraft. I bought the organic variety because I want to see if it tastes any different from the regular. So, up to the register I go at 3:30am and the boy at the counter looks a little odd, but then again who works at Walmart at 3am and is normal? So, I wait my turn and he checks out all my purchases, and comments on my organic Mac and Cheese. "Organic, huh? I didn't know they made organic." I say that they do, obviously, they do. You're holding the box. I don't say that though, just think it. Then he ponders more, "Wait, how can they make organic, aren't noodles processed?" I say that noodles are processed but its about how they grow the ingredients that go into the noodles that make it organic and that they don't use pesticides and whatnot. He smiles and retorts, "They could just get venus fly traps... for the bugs."
Ah, yes. They could. My, my, my.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Words Alive
We said those three words yesterday. Those three words that make the world spin sometimes, that make men climb mountains, that make women weak in the knees, that make people eat buckets of ice cream when it's gone, that bring tears to eyes both happy and said... I Love You. Those three words we said for each other and to each other. Though, the sentiments were there before.
The Boy and I had our Christmas this weekend. We each opened one present in the morning on Friday and then I went to work. After work and a trip to Walmart, we opened the rest of our presents. My first gift was a beautiful beaded with little purple stones necklace. It fit and I really like it, which is unusual since I don't normally wear necklaces. I gave The Boy his fleece vest as his first gift. He liked it so much that he put it on right then and there, with his pajamas. A cute look if I must say. :)
The Boy conjured up some creativity when it came to my next gifts. He purchased three books. He gave me the first PostSecret book, a book called Mind Games which is about how the brain works, and a book about the history of "love words," or words generally associated with love. He wrote a note on the inside front cover, which I think finally made me overcome my hatred of having people write in books. The words were, "To my Baby, I am so page 62 over you. Love Eric." I melted, I could barely read page 62, which was the phrase Head over Heels. I too am head over heels for that Boy. He has captured me in a way I didn't know could happen and in a way I did not expect, was not looking for. His last gift for me was a picture frame with a quote about love on it, on to which he glued Scrabble tiles spelling out our names and Christmas.
He said he had to do something with Scrabble because it's how we met. And it is how we met. My first email in response to his online ad, which mentioned playing Scrabble was "I love Scrabble." That was it, nothing more, nothing less. He was intrigued and wrote back. I was at home sick and I wrote back. Amazing how it works sometimes. :)
I gave him six pictures, well six photographs that I took of the land near his house. Two of them were quite large, 10x13, and the other four were 8x10's. I don't know if he actually likes them, but he took them home. :) I've given him a number of other presents in the course of our two month relationship so that I feel forgiven if he doesn't like them. I've practically furnished his house! ;)
Here is a picture of me taken by Eric. He gave me the earings I am wearing also. They are silver hearts. The Boy has my heart.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Hello, it's been a while.
It's been too long since I posted. So, here I am to fill you in on all the happenings.
I went on my trip to New York/Connecticut. The night before I was supposed to leave for the Big City to catch my airplane my boyfriend surprised me. He was sitting in his car in front of my apartment. I was shocked! :) But happily so.
I am surprised at how well I was able to get around all the modes of transportation that I rode on: Planes, trains, shuttle busses, and cars. :) It was all pretty easy, which surprised me.
The trip was fairly uneventful with a lot of driving a very stuffed car. Well, actually I never did drive. I couldn't find anyone to give me lessons on how to drive stick. However, we did stop at this amazing old house to take pictures of it. It was this drizzling, gray day and this beautiful Victorian home sat near the edge of the highway just rotting away; all its glory disappearing into crumbling pieces of wood. In its hayday it would have been regal.
We also had some very fun moments at the World's Largest Truck stop and at the hotel we stayed at in Davenport, IA. There was a pool and we went swimming. How I love swimming. For my time and efforts, my friend purchased one of those bags that are completely made out of zippers. It's very cool and I am most excited. It was nice spending time with her since it had been so long since we'd just chilled.
I am still with The Boy, which I have officially titled him now. I am quite content with him. He treats me well and appreciates the efforts I make. :) He and I went to my parents' house where we spent the weekend with them. The Boy postponed getting his wisdom teeth pulled in order to be with me. He's silly.
I've been working, hanging out with The Boy, and doing much of nothing. I rearranged the furniture in order to prevent from burning down my apartment. I had the bed next to the heat register which is fine, except I kept kicking the blankets onto the floor where they'd get very, very hot while they leaned against the register. So, I moved the bed and now I don't like the layout of the room as much, but it sure beats not having a room!
I have almost all my Christmas shopping done. I still have two people to buy gifts for but I must wait until I have money, which means until Friday since that's pay day.
I went to my psychiatrist on Monday and I don't have to see her for another 4-5 months since I am doing well. I still am not good at taking my medications each day, but I am trying. The Boy is going to impliment a rule in January. I get two days a month to miss my medications and if I miss any more than that I don't get to see him. That is sad. I only see him once a week anyway and that would be sad. I've fallen so completely for him.
My parents are well and that is good. I haven't heard much from my friends, but I've been spending all my free time with The Boy so I keep missing out on emailing them and whatnot. But I shall catch up sometime this week. :) Just like I will vacuum my apartment sometime this week. I will get it done! :)
I promise I will write more entries in the future. I needed a break I think to just be in the world for a while without trying to overanalyze it all the time. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes I think too much and about all the wrong things. I need to get back to school. Oy. :)
I went on my trip to New York/Connecticut. The night before I was supposed to leave for the Big City to catch my airplane my boyfriend surprised me. He was sitting in his car in front of my apartment. I was shocked! :) But happily so.
I am surprised at how well I was able to get around all the modes of transportation that I rode on: Planes, trains, shuttle busses, and cars. :) It was all pretty easy, which surprised me.
The trip was fairly uneventful with a lot of driving a very stuffed car. Well, actually I never did drive. I couldn't find anyone to give me lessons on how to drive stick. However, we did stop at this amazing old house to take pictures of it. It was this drizzling, gray day and this beautiful Victorian home sat near the edge of the highway just rotting away; all its glory disappearing into crumbling pieces of wood. In its hayday it would have been regal.
We also had some very fun moments at the World's Largest Truck stop and at the hotel we stayed at in Davenport, IA. There was a pool and we went swimming. How I love swimming. For my time and efforts, my friend purchased one of those bags that are completely made out of zippers. It's very cool and I am most excited. It was nice spending time with her since it had been so long since we'd just chilled.
I am still with The Boy, which I have officially titled him now. I am quite content with him. He treats me well and appreciates the efforts I make. :) He and I went to my parents' house where we spent the weekend with them. The Boy postponed getting his wisdom teeth pulled in order to be with me. He's silly.
I've been working, hanging out with The Boy, and doing much of nothing. I rearranged the furniture in order to prevent from burning down my apartment. I had the bed next to the heat register which is fine, except I kept kicking the blankets onto the floor where they'd get very, very hot while they leaned against the register. So, I moved the bed and now I don't like the layout of the room as much, but it sure beats not having a room!
I have almost all my Christmas shopping done. I still have two people to buy gifts for but I must wait until I have money, which means until Friday since that's pay day.
I went to my psychiatrist on Monday and I don't have to see her for another 4-5 months since I am doing well. I still am not good at taking my medications each day, but I am trying. The Boy is going to impliment a rule in January. I get two days a month to miss my medications and if I miss any more than that I don't get to see him. That is sad. I only see him once a week anyway and that would be sad. I've fallen so completely for him.
My parents are well and that is good. I haven't heard much from my friends, but I've been spending all my free time with The Boy so I keep missing out on emailing them and whatnot. But I shall catch up sometime this week. :) Just like I will vacuum my apartment sometime this week. I will get it done! :)
I promise I will write more entries in the future. I needed a break I think to just be in the world for a while without trying to overanalyze it all the time. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes I think too much and about all the wrong things. I need to get back to school. Oy. :)
Monday, November 13, 2006
Updates
My heart is pounding, my skin feels like parchment paper, and it's my fault. I've been eating so poorly and haven't been taking my diabetes medication, or any of my medications for that matter. I don't see why this is so difficult. People make changes everyday in their lives and alter how they eat, how they think, how they take care of themselves and I can't seem to manage to give up desserts, pastas, or other carbs. I can't say no. I've never had will power though. I am not known for my ability to take a stand and stick with it.
I am wishy-washy. I change my mind. I am emotional and it effects everything I do. I eat because I am sad, because I am pmsing, because well frankly, a lot of times I can't think of anything better to do. :)
I don't know how to tell myself that I deserve to change for the better so that I don't end up in a coma, don't end up an amputee, blind, or any other complication because I decided that eating cake was a better choice.
I've applied for some new jobs. I intensely dislike the one I have, mostly for the sake of management. They are awful and seem to get great pleasure from punishing us. I don't quite understand their policy nor their attitude. They have one of the highest turn over rates I've ever seen. Over 75% of the people who work in our department have been there for less than eight months. Some of those in the top ten seniority levels have less than two years. I don't know why this is not seen as a problem. My employer must spend a fortune in training people.
I've been trying to finish one of my applications for grad school, however, I'm stuck on writing my academic and professional goals. What can I say? I want to do well in school and get a job when I am done that pays well. How do you write that in a minimum of 500 words or less. I used to be able to whip out essays like that in about five minutes. Now, I am struggling. I am afraid I have lost my touch. I am afraid I won't be able to get it back again if I do attend school once more. What if I can't write anymore?
My trip is coming up and I am trying to get everything ready for it. I have a few things I need to get done before I leave. I need to get an oil change, a haircut, get a bunch of stuff packed and ready to go, and I would like to surprise my boyfriend Wednesday night if I am all done with everything on time. But I think I shall be frantic Wednesday night and getting everything that I didn't get finished completed. If I don't get the chance to surprise him I shall be forced to wait two weeks to see him again and that's just not right. :)
I think I will keep a paper journal during my trip and then add those entries into here when I am back in cyberworld for all you to enjoy. ;)
I am wishy-washy. I change my mind. I am emotional and it effects everything I do. I eat because I am sad, because I am pmsing, because well frankly, a lot of times I can't think of anything better to do. :)
I don't know how to tell myself that I deserve to change for the better so that I don't end up in a coma, don't end up an amputee, blind, or any other complication because I decided that eating cake was a better choice.
I've applied for some new jobs. I intensely dislike the one I have, mostly for the sake of management. They are awful and seem to get great pleasure from punishing us. I don't quite understand their policy nor their attitude. They have one of the highest turn over rates I've ever seen. Over 75% of the people who work in our department have been there for less than eight months. Some of those in the top ten seniority levels have less than two years. I don't know why this is not seen as a problem. My employer must spend a fortune in training people.
I've been trying to finish one of my applications for grad school, however, I'm stuck on writing my academic and professional goals. What can I say? I want to do well in school and get a job when I am done that pays well. How do you write that in a minimum of 500 words or less. I used to be able to whip out essays like that in about five minutes. Now, I am struggling. I am afraid I have lost my touch. I am afraid I won't be able to get it back again if I do attend school once more. What if I can't write anymore?
My trip is coming up and I am trying to get everything ready for it. I have a few things I need to get done before I leave. I need to get an oil change, a haircut, get a bunch of stuff packed and ready to go, and I would like to surprise my boyfriend Wednesday night if I am all done with everything on time. But I think I shall be frantic Wednesday night and getting everything that I didn't get finished completed. If I don't get the chance to surprise him I shall be forced to wait two weeks to see him again and that's just not right. :)
I think I will keep a paper journal during my trip and then add those entries into here when I am back in cyberworld for all you to enjoy. ;)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
An old story, hoping to invoke something creative in me
Sombrero wearing son of a bitch. What the hell that motherfucker thought he was doing, I don't know. But now I have to get up in the middle of the damn night and bail his ass out of jail. I am in my pajamas and wearing winter boots driving a 1985 station wagon to the county jail where he sits in a cell smiling like a monkey who just flung his own poo. Sure, he gets some on his own hands, but the satisfaction of hitting someone else with his own feces must be worth it. Soon as the phone jingled in the night, I knew, I just fucking knew it was going to be something like this.
I swear that man will be the death of me. Hell, I almost tripped on some dewy ice on the way to the car. It's that kind of winter warm where some of the ice on the surface has melted, but it's that kind of winter cool that doesn't allow the puddle of water to evaporate. I hate this car too. Tain't my car either. My car is wrapped around a light pole somewhere with vomit in the front seat. I was driving a friend home from some minor surgery last week and she just puked all over the inside of the car. Like a fucking tsunami of barf and she buried Tokyo. I couldn't stomach the sight, the smell, so I decided that hitting a pole was better. Anything to get out of that car, anything to get rid of that car. We said the vomiting occurred at the time of the accident. The tightening of the seatbelt against an upset tummy caused the tidal wave. My check is supposed to arrive next week. In the mean time, I have to drive his stupid ass car to the stupid ass county jail to pick up his stupid ass.
Why the hell he has to wear that hat anyway, I'll never know. It's ugly, it's stupid, and it smells funny. No one even knows where the hat came from. Hell, he could have swiped it from some passed out Spring Break kid who was lying in the street. Yeah, and those little snot monkeys are sanitary. Buncha disgusting, perverse, drunken idiots.
How long is this light? I swear it's never going to change. Finally! I am going to wring his neck when I see him. No. I am going to burn that hat. From now on, he's just going to be a son of a bitch.
I carefully walk through the parking lot, not wanting to fall on my ass and become all dirt, ice-water, slime encrusted and now I am waiting. This is pissing me off. Why call me if no one's going to be at the desk and if he's not ready. Oh, there's the ugly pig now coming back with coffee and oh, what's that? He's got a coffee in one hand and a jelly filled donut in the other that he's licking and flicking like it's a cunt. Fuck, dude, get a room. Shit, get a girl. Damn.
He asks if he can help me, his words muffled by the chunk of donut in his mouth, little bits of powdered sugar spray. I almost tell him that he can wipe his ugly ass mouth, finish chewing, and then ask me properly what he can do for me. But I just let it slide not in the mood to get into it with some copper before the sun even rises.
"I'm here to pick up my dad."
I swear that man will be the death of me. Hell, I almost tripped on some dewy ice on the way to the car. It's that kind of winter warm where some of the ice on the surface has melted, but it's that kind of winter cool that doesn't allow the puddle of water to evaporate. I hate this car too. Tain't my car either. My car is wrapped around a light pole somewhere with vomit in the front seat. I was driving a friend home from some minor surgery last week and she just puked all over the inside of the car. Like a fucking tsunami of barf and she buried Tokyo. I couldn't stomach the sight, the smell, so I decided that hitting a pole was better. Anything to get out of that car, anything to get rid of that car. We said the vomiting occurred at the time of the accident. The tightening of the seatbelt against an upset tummy caused the tidal wave. My check is supposed to arrive next week. In the mean time, I have to drive his stupid ass car to the stupid ass county jail to pick up his stupid ass.
Why the hell he has to wear that hat anyway, I'll never know. It's ugly, it's stupid, and it smells funny. No one even knows where the hat came from. Hell, he could have swiped it from some passed out Spring Break kid who was lying in the street. Yeah, and those little snot monkeys are sanitary. Buncha disgusting, perverse, drunken idiots.
How long is this light? I swear it's never going to change. Finally! I am going to wring his neck when I see him. No. I am going to burn that hat. From now on, he's just going to be a son of a bitch.
I carefully walk through the parking lot, not wanting to fall on my ass and become all dirt, ice-water, slime encrusted and now I am waiting. This is pissing me off. Why call me if no one's going to be at the desk and if he's not ready. Oh, there's the ugly pig now coming back with coffee and oh, what's that? He's got a coffee in one hand and a jelly filled donut in the other that he's licking and flicking like it's a cunt. Fuck, dude, get a room. Shit, get a girl. Damn.
He asks if he can help me, his words muffled by the chunk of donut in his mouth, little bits of powdered sugar spray. I almost tell him that he can wipe his ugly ass mouth, finish chewing, and then ask me properly what he can do for me. But I just let it slide not in the mood to get into it with some copper before the sun even rises.
"I'm here to pick up my dad."
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
It's afraid and I am dark
Fear. I have great amounts of fear and I am scared of many things. The dark, leggings, cats sometimes, missing teeth, being used, etc.
Fear paralyzes me. I haven't checked my mail box. I am too afraid and I do not know what I am afraid of. Perhaps it's the unknown. But I know what bills are in there and I have paid most of them. I fear getting ready for my big trip to NY because of the unknown. I don't know if I'll get back to work on time, if the trip will go smoothly, if the flight will arrive on time, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and rather than helping myself by preparing, I hide. I step away from the problem and wish it to vanish. However, it does not work. The problem merely gets bigger, the deadline merely gets closer.
I have started one application to school and haven't finished it. I don't know why I am so slow at getting this done. I have chosen my three top schools.
However, now leaving will be difficult. I am officially someone's girlfriend now and it's great. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh. We shall see what the future brings. I guess I have to continue for with my plans or else I'll never get there. And I refuse to let my dream die.
I fear the unknown future. I am afraid it will hurt. Getting back up again feels harder each time Depression takes its grip on me. It's easier to fall into that black hole and it's harder to climb out. To me, the words Love and Depression should always be capitalized. And we shouldn't use such words in such superficial manners. One should not Love pizza but people. One is not Depressed if they can't find the right shoes, but can't get out of bed to put on shoes. Words are powerful and I want to use them to motivate me to get over my fears.
I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to be brave.
I want to be kind.
I want to be....
Not afraid of myself.
Fear paralyzes me. I haven't checked my mail box. I am too afraid and I do not know what I am afraid of. Perhaps it's the unknown. But I know what bills are in there and I have paid most of them. I fear getting ready for my big trip to NY because of the unknown. I don't know if I'll get back to work on time, if the trip will go smoothly, if the flight will arrive on time, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and rather than helping myself by preparing, I hide. I step away from the problem and wish it to vanish. However, it does not work. The problem merely gets bigger, the deadline merely gets closer.
I have started one application to school and haven't finished it. I don't know why I am so slow at getting this done. I have chosen my three top schools.
However, now leaving will be difficult. I am officially someone's girlfriend now and it's great. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh. We shall see what the future brings. I guess I have to continue for with my plans or else I'll never get there. And I refuse to let my dream die.
I fear the unknown future. I am afraid it will hurt. Getting back up again feels harder each time Depression takes its grip on me. It's easier to fall into that black hole and it's harder to climb out. To me, the words Love and Depression should always be capitalized. And we shouldn't use such words in such superficial manners. One should not Love pizza but people. One is not Depressed if they can't find the right shoes, but can't get out of bed to put on shoes. Words are powerful and I want to use them to motivate me to get over my fears.
I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to be brave.
I want to be kind.
I want to be....
Not afraid of myself.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Dress me up, dress me down. But wear me out
Every woman should have the following items in her wardrobe according to Stacy London, co-host of TLC's What Not to Wear:
1. An A-line skirt
2. Mid-rise, mid-width trousers and jeans
3. A good bra to hold up the girls
4. A wrap dress
5. Good shoes
Often, when I look at fashion magazines, when I shop, when I stopped dressing like a boy in clothes two sizes too big, stopped wearing nothing but t-shirts, tennis shoes, and oversized sweatshirts I felt badly. I felt I was succumbing to the fashion industries wish-for me to purchase more clothes, for me to follow trends and buy into an idea that clothes will make me someone else. And in a sense they do. I always hated being judge by what I wore. Part of that was until recently, the fashion industry ignored a large (literally) sector of the population. The overweight young woman. With that said, I had two choices when I was in high school and early college; either dress like a boy or dress like a blind 90 year old grandmother. I chose boy.
So, I saw Stacy London speak this weekend and I realized that I am not buying into someone else's idea of what I should be. From her show and from her speech, I realized I buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel good. I know I've walked out of the house many times thinking I hate what I am wearing and it ruins the day. The confidence that is normally with you, is gone. I realize now how little self-respect I had when I was dressing like a boy. It completely changed how I thought of myself and what I thought I could do with my life.
I am a girl and being able to show that on the outside is nice. Stacy also mentioned how young girls are completely receiving the wrong messages about clothes, style in particular. Having style isn't following all the latest trends. It's knowing how to put together an outfit with classic pieces and something modern/new to make yourself look your best. Because then the best you inside can shine outside. Young girls are faced with skinny models, celebrities who have done nothing to earn such accolades and they are missing out on knowing what it means to be a strong, powerful, professional woman who has responsibility, goals, and some accomplishments behind her besides being skinny or slutty.
I am rambling. My mind is preoccupied. Boys... a boy. The boy. More on that later.
1. An A-line skirt
2. Mid-rise, mid-width trousers and jeans
3. A good bra to hold up the girls
4. A wrap dress
5. Good shoes
Often, when I look at fashion magazines, when I shop, when I stopped dressing like a boy in clothes two sizes too big, stopped wearing nothing but t-shirts, tennis shoes, and oversized sweatshirts I felt badly. I felt I was succumbing to the fashion industries wish-for me to purchase more clothes, for me to follow trends and buy into an idea that clothes will make me someone else. And in a sense they do. I always hated being judge by what I wore. Part of that was until recently, the fashion industry ignored a large (literally) sector of the population. The overweight young woman. With that said, I had two choices when I was in high school and early college; either dress like a boy or dress like a blind 90 year old grandmother. I chose boy.
So, I saw Stacy London speak this weekend and I realized that I am not buying into someone else's idea of what I should be. From her show and from her speech, I realized I buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel good. I know I've walked out of the house many times thinking I hate what I am wearing and it ruins the day. The confidence that is normally with you, is gone. I realize now how little self-respect I had when I was dressing like a boy. It completely changed how I thought of myself and what I thought I could do with my life.
I am a girl and being able to show that on the outside is nice. Stacy also mentioned how young girls are completely receiving the wrong messages about clothes, style in particular. Having style isn't following all the latest trends. It's knowing how to put together an outfit with classic pieces and something modern/new to make yourself look your best. Because then the best you inside can shine outside. Young girls are faced with skinny models, celebrities who have done nothing to earn such accolades and they are missing out on knowing what it means to be a strong, powerful, professional woman who has responsibility, goals, and some accomplishments behind her besides being skinny or slutty.
I am rambling. My mind is preoccupied. Boys... a boy. The boy. More on that later.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Before it's too late and gone
Yesterday I read the article that by2050 the WWF suspects that the Earth will run out of many resources that provide our comfortable lives. And that we will need two planet Earth's to sustain our current way of living. Our means Americans and our way of living would need five planet Earth's if everyone in the world were to live as we do. This scares me.
I fear the repercussions of our actions today. And yet I don't know what to do. Oh, sure I recycle, reuse, reduce, by second hand, I finally turned the heat on yesterday which is a feat in this northern cold country, I try to remember to turn the water off when I brush my teeth, but how much does all that really help? I'm just one person and I know together we make a difference, but the real help would have to come in the form of new laws, stricter pollution limits, and lifestyle changes that Americans wouldn't like. Life wouldn't be so nice for everyone. One way in which I know I can help more is to drive less, but that seems difficult some days. It's cold here nine months out of the year and I work over a mile from work. That may not seem very far, but it adds up when it's twenty below zero without the windchill not to mention the fact that I would be very scared walking home alone in the dark around midnight.
So, when is our government going to enforce laws and rules that help our planet? Why can't anyone see that we have to do much more than we do now? Mandatory recycling, stricter pollution controls, better fuel efficiency in cars and that would also mean taking off the market things like Hummers and giant SUV's, alternative fuel sources such as solar energy, wind power, hell put a big wheel on a waterfall and watch it spin and collect some energy. We have had it too easy for too long and it's time to start caring. People don't know how much energy it takes to make their lives as comfortable as it is and it's time that they knew.
We are strip mining away our planet, killing plants and animal species by the hundreds, not just individual animals but entire species all in the name of comfort, ease, of convenience. I know I have too much stuff and I could deal with a little less of it in life. But what more can I do?
How can I help? I tried volunteering with the Democrats, but that wasn't satisfying my need to help. Any ideas?
I fear the repercussions of our actions today. And yet I don't know what to do. Oh, sure I recycle, reuse, reduce, by second hand, I finally turned the heat on yesterday which is a feat in this northern cold country, I try to remember to turn the water off when I brush my teeth, but how much does all that really help? I'm just one person and I know together we make a difference, but the real help would have to come in the form of new laws, stricter pollution limits, and lifestyle changes that Americans wouldn't like. Life wouldn't be so nice for everyone. One way in which I know I can help more is to drive less, but that seems difficult some days. It's cold here nine months out of the year and I work over a mile from work. That may not seem very far, but it adds up when it's twenty below zero without the windchill not to mention the fact that I would be very scared walking home alone in the dark around midnight.
So, when is our government going to enforce laws and rules that help our planet? Why can't anyone see that we have to do much more than we do now? Mandatory recycling, stricter pollution controls, better fuel efficiency in cars and that would also mean taking off the market things like Hummers and giant SUV's, alternative fuel sources such as solar energy, wind power, hell put a big wheel on a waterfall and watch it spin and collect some energy. We have had it too easy for too long and it's time to start caring. People don't know how much energy it takes to make their lives as comfortable as it is and it's time that they knew.
We are strip mining away our planet, killing plants and animal species by the hundreds, not just individual animals but entire species all in the name of comfort, ease, of convenience. I know I have too much stuff and I could deal with a little less of it in life. But what more can I do?
How can I help? I tried volunteering with the Democrats, but that wasn't satisfying my need to help. Any ideas?
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