It's afraid and I am dark

Fear. I have great amounts of fear and I am scared of many things. The dark, leggings, cats sometimes, missing teeth, being used, etc.

Fear paralyzes me. I haven't checked my mail box. I am too afraid and I do not know what I am afraid of. Perhaps it's the unknown. But I know what bills are in there and I have paid most of them. I fear getting ready for my big trip to NY because of the unknown. I don't know if I'll get back to work on time, if the trip will go smoothly, if the flight will arrive on time, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and rather than helping myself by preparing, I hide. I step away from the problem and wish it to vanish. However, it does not work. The problem merely gets bigger, the deadline merely gets closer.

I have started one application to school and haven't finished it. I don't know why I am so slow at getting this done. I have chosen my three top schools.

However, now leaving will be difficult. I am officially someone's girlfriend now and it's great. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh. We shall see what the future brings. I guess I have to continue for with my plans or else I'll never get there. And I refuse to let my dream die.

I fear the unknown future. I am afraid it will hurt. Getting back up again feels harder each time Depression takes its grip on me. It's easier to fall into that black hole and it's harder to climb out. To me, the words Love and Depression should always be capitalized. And we shouldn't use such words in such superficial manners. One should not Love pizza but people. One is not Depressed if they can't find the right shoes, but can't get out of bed to put on shoes. Words are powerful and I want to use them to motivate me to get over my fears.

I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to be brave.
I want to be kind.
I want to be....
Not afraid of myself.

Dress me up, dress me down. But wear me out

Every woman should have the following items in her wardrobe according to Stacy London, co-host of TLC's What Not to Wear:

1. An A-line skirt
2. Mid-rise, mid-width trousers and jeans
3. A good bra to hold up the girls
4. A wrap dress
5. Good shoes

Often, when I look at fashion magazines, when I shop, when I stopped dressing like a boy in clothes two sizes too big, stopped wearing nothing but t-shirts, tennis shoes, and oversized sweatshirts I felt badly. I felt I was succumbing to the fashion industries wish-for me to purchase more clothes, for me to follow trends and buy into an idea that clothes will make me someone else. And in a sense they do. I always hated being judge by what I wore. Part of that was until recently, the fashion industry ignored a large (literally) sector of the population. The overweight young woman. With that said, I had two choices when I was in high school and early college; either dress like a boy or dress like a blind 90 year old grandmother. I chose boy.

So, I saw Stacy London speak this weekend and I realized that I am not buying into someone else's idea of what I should be. From her show and from her speech, I realized I buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel good. I know I've walked out of the house many times thinking I hate what I am wearing and it ruins the day. The confidence that is normally with you, is gone. I realize now how little self-respect I had when I was dressing like a boy. It completely changed how I thought of myself and what I thought I could do with my life.

I am a girl and being able to show that on the outside is nice. Stacy also mentioned how young girls are completely receiving the wrong messages about clothes, style in particular. Having style isn't following all the latest trends. It's knowing how to put together an outfit with classic pieces and something modern/new to make yourself look your best. Because then the best you inside can shine outside. Young girls are faced with skinny models, celebrities who have done nothing to earn such accolades and they are missing out on knowing what it means to be a strong, powerful, professional woman who has responsibility, goals, and some accomplishments behind her besides being skinny or slutty.

I am rambling. My mind is preoccupied. Boys... a boy. The boy. More on that later.

Before it's too late and gone

Yesterday I read the article that by2050 the WWF suspects that the Earth will run out of many resources that provide our comfortable lives. And that we will need two planet Earth's to sustain our current way of living. Our means Americans and our way of living would need five planet Earth's if everyone in the world were to live as we do. This scares me.

I fear the repercussions of our actions today. And yet I don't know what to do. Oh, sure I recycle, reuse, reduce, by second hand, I finally turned the heat on yesterday which is a feat in this northern cold country, I try to remember to turn the water off when I brush my teeth, but how much does all that really help? I'm just one person and I know together we make a difference, but the real help would have to come in the form of new laws, stricter pollution limits, and lifestyle changes that Americans wouldn't like. Life wouldn't be so nice for everyone. One way in which I know I can help more is to drive less, but that seems difficult some days. It's cold here nine months out of the year and I work over a mile from work. That may not seem very far, but it adds up when it's twenty below zero without the windchill not to mention the fact that I would be very scared walking home alone in the dark around midnight.

So, when is our government going to enforce laws and rules that help our planet? Why can't anyone see that we have to do much more than we do now? Mandatory recycling, stricter pollution controls, better fuel efficiency in cars and that would also mean taking off the market things like Hummers and giant SUV's, alternative fuel sources such as solar energy, wind power, hell put a big wheel on a waterfall and watch it spin and collect some energy. We have had it too easy for too long and it's time to start caring. People don't know how much energy it takes to make their lives as comfortable as it is and it's time that they knew.

We are strip mining away our planet, killing plants and animal species by the hundreds, not just individual animals but entire species all in the name of comfort, ease, of convenience. I know I have too much stuff and I could deal with a little less of it in life. But what more can I do?

How can I help? I tried volunteering with the Democrats, but that wasn't satisfying my need to help. Any ideas?

Oh boy

I very much like Hoss. He came to my place for dinner on Saturday. Well, actually he came around noon and we spent lots of time together. He was late because he spent time driving around town looking for a floral shop. He brought me one red rose. It was so sweet.

We went to lunch, rented some movies, played a game, watched a movie, held each other close. Fooled around a bit. The man knows how to touch a woman, or at least me. Oy. He carresses my skin so gently and sweetly. Hey pays attention to sounds an movement. I did not want him to leave nor did he want to, but he had to be to work at 6am. It was nearing 5am and he still had an hour's drive in front of him.

I made dinner for him. He said it was good and ate two helpings. He said I should cook more often. I am completely smitten.

This was not supposed to happen. I had ten-eleven months of no dating left.

I am a wandering river looking for a new path

Sometimes I wonder about myself, my feminist values, and where I truly find myself. I met a man on Friday. We "met" throught he internet and after about a month of emailing and two weeks or so of chatting on the phone we met in person. Before anyone decides to chide me for risking my safety, I was smart, or so I think. I emailed a friend and let her know where I was going, who I was meeting, what his phone number is, where we were meeting, and that if I didn't call her by a certain time that she should feel free to do something, which could range from calling this man (I shall call him Hoss) to calling the authorities.

So, I met this man and it was a good meeting. I like him and he likes me in return. As to where it's going and what kind of relationship it is, I have no idea. But I am enjoying the moment. However, this is where I wonder where my ability to follow the creed, "I don't need a man to be happy." I do not need a man to be happy, but since I've met him I've been calling my friends, hanging out, wanting to get out of my apartment and not be alone. I don't know if spending the day with someone, not particularly him, was the catalyst or I was just ready to head out into the world again and meeting him was the first opportunity I had? I don't want to be that girl who can't live without a man, who is a different person when in a relationship. I don't want that. And tonight while I spent some time with the girls, one said, "She's back" about me, my attitude, my personality, and my presence. I enjoy this for part of me does feel back. A giddy, gooshy centered part of me and part of me that feels like being in the company of others.

I question where that girl was a few weeks ago or was my heart still sad? I saw Andrew the other night, Thursday morning to be exact. I saw him and felt nothing. Not a twinge of wanting to be with him, not one urge to kiss him, and I searched deep for that urge to connect lip to lip. This was before I met Hoss so he had nothing to do with it. Was feeling control over myself around Andrew a sign that I could venture out into the world? And have I been alone, without a man, since I'd been carrying Andrew around in my head and my heart?

Am I truly happy on my own? I am torn between wanting to live up to my feminist values, yet I am completely impressed that Hoss opened the car door for me, paid for dinner, and asked for nothing in return. I am the one who made the sexual advances, I was the one who was being touchy feely. It's like I need a man's positive comments so that I can tell them to other people so that I can feel better about myself. That through them, I am better than the real person I am, which if the man is being true and not just looking to get into my pants, I am all those things he says I am. I am those positive comments.

So, I sit torn, smitten, and excited. I also feel awake after feeling asleep for a few weeks. No one can ever understand how I feel when I wake up from life and feel as if I've been sleeping for a long period of time. Well, maybe some can. It's a haze I cannot clear, a fuzz I can't remove, and a feeling I can't beat down. Depression doesn't always have to make a person unable function on all levels. Sometimes, it just removes your dreams or tarnishes them so much that you look at it and think it's a pile of crap. Who wants to accomplish a crap dream or goal? No one. It's the shiny dream that makes you sit up and say, yes! I will do that some day! And start those little steps towards that BIG SOME DAY.

So, here's to staying awake, staying true to myself, my feelings, my dreams, and to giving love a shot all at the same time.

It's just stupid sometimes.

Some days I just do not understand the incompetence I must work with, and at a hospital where some situations are life and death. One situation that is quite critical is the Lifeflight, which is the helicopter flights that our hospital does. The area I work in fills the flight bags with the needed supplies. We have adult/pediatric and nursery bags.

Right now they are transitioning to new nursery bags, which means supplies are in new places and there are some added and deleted supplies. Currently, the flight time is not authorized to use the new bags and must use the old ones until Monday. They replaced two of the old bags already, which left us with one old bag and two news ones. A flight went out and came back with the old bag. Now, when a bag comes back to our area we go through the whole bag with a checklist of supplies to see what was used and then replace them.

A nursery bag was brought down to our area. We were not informed that the flight team was down to using one bag and since we are short staffed on the weekends, it was set aside for later. The flight team then calls down saying that they are going out on another run and need the nursery bag and wanted to know if it was finished. No, we said it isn't but can you use a new one. No, they couldn't. So, we frantically scrambled to find out what had been used on the last flight from the bag, tried to reorganize the bag, and rushed it out to the waiting helicopter.

This never should have happened. We should have been told there was only one bag. But mostly, there never should have only been one bag. While transitioning to the new bag, they could have left the supplies in the old one, completed the new bags, and then when the flight team started using the new bags remove the old ones. I do not understand what kind of "logic" was used to transition the bags. Bleh.

In other news, I like a boy. :) He's cute and he likes board games. Nothing gets better.

First Person, Present Tense

Walking into the door I meet a man who tells me I must go to the auditorium to find out if I work today. I haven't listened to the radio, tv, or spoken to anyone in the know all morning and early afternoon. I go to the auditorium where I am told to badge in and sit in a chair. We are sitting and I finally find out what is going on. There has been a bomb threat against the hospital I work at and they are completing their final sweep through the hospital to determine if there is a bomb and if we are going to evacuate the building. We are antsy since too many of us are shoved into a too small room, some are scared and nervous. I am not, merely bored. I play a little puzzle game I happen to have in my coat pocket.

They bring us cookies and finally the news that we have the all clear and we are to return to our work stations. I go and get dresses in the ever so flattering scrubs and being working. Later, through an email and the grape vine we find out that a fellow employee called in the bomb threat and that there was no bomb. The fellow employee turned him or herself in; they did not reveal the gender of the person.

Empty

Nothing to say, nothing to say.
Think my creativity left me today

No words, no stories
Not even an inventory

Hold the wheel and drive

I went to Mitchell, SD this weekend, which is home of the Corn Palace, George McGovern, and my two friends from high school. We went to a library dedication, which was dedicated to George McGovern and his wife Elanor. Bill Clinton who worked on McGovern's presidential campaign as one of this first political activities was the keynote speaker.

It was hot that day, with the sun shining onto our faces. A few of us have half sunburned faces, with a line going right down the middle. Red on the right and white on the left. Most attractive. My host, V.V. came down with strep throat right before the arrival of she and her husband's three house guests. She was a bit tired, very sore, and uncomfortable during our visit. I felt very badly for her but because of my concern and my plethera of ideas on certain topics, V.V. said I should be a mother. Quite a scary thought. :)

We played the most fun games while I was there: Balderdash, Lingo, and Chain Reaction. I would run out and buy Balderdash if I ever had people over at my apartment and we played games while they were here. 99.99% of the time that I am in my apartment, I am alone which is not the most opportune time to play boardgames. However, I can play Lingo and Chain Reaction on the Game Show Network website, www.gsn.com . Enjoy!

I also discovered a key difference between skinny people and fat people. Skinny people don't get hungry as often. I was starving while I was there and I noticed they never ate or not nearly as much nor as often as I do. I'm ravenously hungry approximately ever 4-6 hours complete with my tummy growling, aching, and generally wanting to be fed. Also, I think about food all the time, such as when I get to eat next, what I will eat next, things I've eaten before that were quite delicious, etc. I just didn't see this behavior in the thinner people I was visiting. It was strange to feel so different in yet another way. I had another observation while I was there also. The concept of snacks tends to work for thinner people. Hungry between means, have a yogurt, a granola bar, some grapes. However, if I eat that when I am hungry, I am hungry again a half-an-hour later and need to eat a complete meal, and a large complete meal at that.

Also, my car seems on the verge of a breakdown. It doesn't want to start and I thought I was going to be stuck in South Dakota for a while, but I finally got it going. It's going to the garage tomorrow to find out what's wrong with it and get fixed. I am hoping the car only needs a new battery. It's been a while since it had one. Okay, it's probably never had a new one! I'm not much for car maintenance, much to Andrew's complete and utter disappointment. :)

Tall, dark, and handsome gets me every time

I called Andrew the night The Flasher came to my window. I let him know what was going on since he likes to protect me in a fashion. It's cute and I indulge him. He called back later in the week to ask how things were going and if the man had been back. I wasn't home so he left me a voicemail. I called him back and let him know that I hadn't seen The Flasher again and that all seemed well.

We also discussed my request from many weeks ago to have a purely physical relationship. He said no and I agreed with him. He seemed disappointed with my agreement but we moved on. We talked for a while, had a nice conversation and hung up.

I called him the next day to ask him if he still had any of his old pay-as-you-go phones. I know he has like five of them and I wondered if I could have one. He called me back, said I could and that he'd find a way to get it to me on Thursday. He called on Thursday and said he'd be swinging by and if I would be home. I said I would and I waited for him to drop it off. When he arrived, I went outside to his car, and noticed a bag on the seat. It was a phone in a box. Now, Andrew likes to keep a lot of things but packaging is one of the first things to go. I gave him a puzzled face and asked if he kept the box. He said no, that it's a new phone, and that he couldn't find the right charger for the right phone so he just got a new one. I told him he could have mentioned that to me and I could have gotten my own phone. He sort of looked at me weird and said, "It's just a phone." This from a man who had me buy him not one but two pay as you go phones. Weird.

So, I got a new phone. It's pretty cute and it seems to get service by my apartment.
I asked Andrew for our customary hug, which we both enjoy I assume since we both hold on so tight. I pulled away from him and told him I hate my hair, which is at this weird in between stage and it's irritating. I want to grow it out again and complained to him about this issue. He was looking at me with his beautiful face (I think Andrew is nothing short of hot) and I leaned in, nearly falling and landing hard on his lips. They cushioned the blow. :) We kissed, tongues all over, and it was nice.

We're both single adults and it's fun. Plus, this time I didn't cry afterwards. Progress, I'd say. So, I do think I'll NEVER end up in Andrew's bed again as long as I'm single... I'd say it's not probable. I think he and I are destined to be entwined and as long as we can both sort out whose legs and arms those are, we'll be doing all right. We're the odd couple and we're friends. We make the rules and we can break them as long as we are prepared for the consequences. Consequence of kissing Andrew yesterday, so far nothing but an enjoyable moment.

Things I've done lately

Worked
Slept
Laundry
Bought tickets to the Women's Showcase featuring Stacy London from What Not To Wear
Kissed Andrew
Talked to a boy that I have a crush on
Had a penis free week
Decided that my top two schools of choice are Indiana University and University of Hawaii
Bought trail mix
Ate pizza, which I don't normally care for but I had this immense craving
Got a pay-as-you-go phone (originally supposed to get a hand-me-down one from Andrew, but he bought me a whole new one since he's cute sometimes).
Played Literati
Made three or more lists
Decided I need new underwear
Gossipped
Sneezed a lot

Grrrrarrrrr!

I cooked last night. I made mashed potatoes. I added a can of cheese soup, a smidge of cream cheese, and the last of the margerine in my fridge. The margerine and the cream cheese were really efforts to empy out containers and get them out of the fridge. I also added pepper, salt, parmesean cheese, and garlic powder. All in all, they were a success, at least to me since I am the only one who has eaten them.

However, my pride in this accomplishment is dashed by one old hippie man. I went to volunteer today, for Tuesdays I volunteer for the Democrats of my county for approximately 2-3 hours. I enjoy this work because I feel like I am helping and making a difference without being obsessively involved, which I was five or six years ago. I fold letters, stuff envelopes, look up information, and other mundane activities that must get done. Another woman volunteers there full-time and her husband brings her lunch each day, which is really sweet. However, in talking about my cooking adventures, her husband asked why I don't like cooking. I said, I think it's boring and that the list of foods I eat is much shorter than the list of foods I do not eat.

At this statement he called me a spoiled brat. This bothers me. Sure, I get to have a choice in what I eat, how many Americans don't? However, my choices aren't extravagent and it is he who brings his wife lunch from Subway each day, an extra many cannot afford. I am not sitting around spooning caviar onto lavash, I do not eat lobster at each meal. I just am very finicky and it is not enjoyable for me. I cannot help that many foods don't taste good to me and that, in fact, they taste awful. I try everything. I am not closed-minded about trying something new. However, there are many things I just do not like. I don't see how this makes me a spoiled brat.

I do not like being called such a name because I like to think that I am very grateful for all that I have and I know, without a doubt, that I would not have the kind of lifestyle I have if it weren't for my parents. They are my major financial backers and I appreciate that 100%. I am always there for them when they need something or have a project for me to help out on. Grr. This man doesn't even know me and calls me names while I am volunteering. Pisses me off.

Pom poms

I am sweaty and enjoying it. For the second day in a row, I completed the aerobics dvd that I have. I am hoping I can keep this new trend going and do it again tomorrow. So, I have favors to ask all those who read this blog... be my cheerleaders and keep my ass in gear?

I want to be healthy, lose weight, and feel better about my physical being. I know I will never be a size 5, or even a size 12. I am always going to be a larger woman and that is okay with me. However, I know I can be healthier, which does mean being a little smaller. My goal weight is 200 pounds. Now, those of you who have known me a long time, I weighed 200 pounds in 6th grade and I think I looked pretty good. :) If I reach 200 and think I can lose more, I will go for 180. However, I do not beleive I will ever be less than that.

For the sake of my health, I have to take off this weight and eat better. It's a lifestyle change, for which I hope I am ready.

In other news, no more penises have appeared at my window. I consider this good news. Also, concerning the exercise, I purchased something I never thought I'd want to see on my body again, but boy am I glad I did. I bought biker shorts, black, shiny, stretchy but tight biker shorts. It's hard when fat people exercise and your clothes ride up between your legs, leaving the upper part of your thighs rubinng, but with fabric bunched in the middle. The biker shorts have solved this problem and now my thighs glide! Who would have thought?! I aim to get more if I keep up this wonderful workout regime.