I battle depression. Real, ache inside, rock myself to sleep, cry until I feel like I'm going to throw up, eat twice what a normal person should just to fill the void, hold onto the sheets so I don't get up and swallow those pills, so I don't get that knife and start cutting myself again, depression. My weapons are Prozac and Wellbutrin. I load them into the barrel and shoot them down my throat each day hoping they continue to work their magic. With that said, I decided to wave a white flag to depression and stop taking my meds just to see if I could survive the war that is life. I lived but did not come out unscathed nor did those around me. I would talk to Andrew and would cry. I would be unable to check the mail, unable to care about taking out the garbage, unable to function. Kris led me around while I lived in a daze.
After two months of skipping those beautiful white pills and blue and orange pills, I went back on them, know that whlie I am an atheist I have met god in those pills. They dictate my life, they decide my destiny. I worship them. They do not make me faslely happy. They do not make me perfect and free from sadness. They allow me to cope, they let out the happiness I honestly have inside me. They silence the voice in my head that says I should die, that tells me to slit my wrists, that shouts at me to open the bottle and cram all its contents down my throat and go to sleep.
I suffer from depression. I cry with anxiety. More than once, Andrew has had to take me home because I can no longer handle being around so many people. More than once, Andrew had held my hand while we wade through people and whispered to me, "You can do it." My parents remind me that places will be busy at certains times and I may want to wait. I've overcome the paralyzing fear I once had for the stairs in the parking ramp with their open rails and windows to the outside. I've overcome being able to pick up job applications. I can walk in the door and ask for one without any anxiety. I can phone a company, order food in a restaurant, I can talk to strangers, I can ask questions, I can ask for help, and I can give myself a break.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
A Letter to Myself
Dear Amber,
When someone writes a letter to herself, one must do so with a single purpose that will steer your personal self, your me in beneficial direction. Amber, you must learn to take care of yourself, to care for yourself. You are the only thing you have for certain. If you do not know who you are, how to handle yourself, how to care for your mind and body you cannot ever think you’ll grow, change, and become something to admire in your own eyes. You can be the woman you wish to be, you can be the woman in your dreams, the strong, confident woman who, does not lack problems, but can handle problems. You must learn to understand that while intelligence, experience, and maturity allow a person to overcome obstacles, those traits do not mean that you will not become entangled into something that you feel absolutely weighs you down. It is in bearing those weights that you learn some of life’s greatest lessons and it is when you are able to shed those weights, to freely fly in life’s journey that you will acknowledge the metamorphosis you went through.
It is in pain that we understand happiness. We are all weak sometimes. We all have days where we think we cannot go on. But we do. We must because there is nothing else to do. There is merely going on. There is no going backward, there is no putting life on pause, and to think that some day those will be options is foolish.
You are bright. But as with all lights, sometimes you dim, fade out, and burn out. We all need rejuvenation and it is okay to admit that you need a new power source. Life has many options for inspiration and energy. Try them all, use them up, and try them all again. Life is not limitless; it is those very limits that allow us to feel the rush of risk, to feel excited about something we’ve never done. Inexperience is not stupidity. Do not mistake the two in yourself nor in others.
You are kind, but that does not mean in your kindness you should allow people to overextend your niceties. Do not allow your heart to be abused by anyone who does not have your best interests in mind. Save the kindness, the generosity you possess for those who earn it, deserve it, and recognize it. You are a person and this means sometimes you lose your patience and are not always nice. Sometimes you are cruel, mean, bitter, spiteful, and enraged. However, again like kindness do not extend these emotions to those who have not earned it. To those who have, unleash your words, looks, and thoughts so that you may return to a more balanced self.
You are beautiful, inside and out. You must learn to understand this so that you can take pride in yourself, so that you can let the wonderful inside shine out. Your spirit washes you beautiful and like a stain applied to wood, it becomes ingrained. Do not be overzealous in your pride. There are others out there with more beauty inside, out, both sides, than you have and there are others who were not blessed as you were. Do not admire the more beautiful just because they are so, do not pity the less just because they are so. Admire them for the talents they possess, for how they handle their lives, for what they bring to this world. For this is how you would want to be judged.
You are important, but you are not the sun. Your presence is not necessary for plants to grow, people to live, for cars to run, etc. Just because you are not the center of something doesn’t mean you should discount who you are, that you should feel like only one among millions, and that you do not matter. Learn to matter to yourself and then you shall matter to others, and while you are not the sun, you can be like a warm ray of light that people would rather not be without. You can put a glow in their cheeks and a smile on their faces.
You are capable. While you cannot do everything in this world, no one can even though it seems sometimes that certain people received every talent on the planet. They did not and whatever you do excel in, use it, enjoy it, share it, and expand it. This is where the rush of risk is important, for without it you will never know where your talents lie, what you are really able to do. If you cannot do something well, do the best you can, and find help in those who were given those gifts. The same goes for the talents that you acquire either through birth or life, share them with those who need a hand.
You are worthy. Never think less of yourself; plenty of others will do that for you for perceived inabilities. Ignore them. Listen to your own voice. It should be the strongest one that you hear; your own voice should be your loudest cheerleader. She should always be waving her pompoms for you, spelling out your name in her cheer. If your voice does not have team spirit, tape her mouth shut. Then tell yourself that you are worthy, that you are deserving, and good.
Do not degrade yourself in ways that tear down the basis tenants of feminism. You are not a slut, ho, whore, or any other word because you enjoy sex, making love, or physical connections with men in any manner you so choose. You are not a bitch when you assert yourself if you are wronged or see a wrong. You control your body and your brain. Fight for what you believe in. Do not let others force their control over you through their hands, words, and laws. Do not let them brainwash you. Think for yourself, consider all the sides, and protect what you believe in.
Amber, I write these words to you so that you will see the whole you, so that you will love yourself enough to guide your life in a healthy, positive direction. Live your life so that you are not ashamed, not regretful, that attempts to bring you happiness, and something you can be proud of when it says “The end.”
Love your me,
Amber
When someone writes a letter to herself, one must do so with a single purpose that will steer your personal self, your me in beneficial direction. Amber, you must learn to take care of yourself, to care for yourself. You are the only thing you have for certain. If you do not know who you are, how to handle yourself, how to care for your mind and body you cannot ever think you’ll grow, change, and become something to admire in your own eyes. You can be the woman you wish to be, you can be the woman in your dreams, the strong, confident woman who, does not lack problems, but can handle problems. You must learn to understand that while intelligence, experience, and maturity allow a person to overcome obstacles, those traits do not mean that you will not become entangled into something that you feel absolutely weighs you down. It is in bearing those weights that you learn some of life’s greatest lessons and it is when you are able to shed those weights, to freely fly in life’s journey that you will acknowledge the metamorphosis you went through.
It is in pain that we understand happiness. We are all weak sometimes. We all have days where we think we cannot go on. But we do. We must because there is nothing else to do. There is merely going on. There is no going backward, there is no putting life on pause, and to think that some day those will be options is foolish.
You are bright. But as with all lights, sometimes you dim, fade out, and burn out. We all need rejuvenation and it is okay to admit that you need a new power source. Life has many options for inspiration and energy. Try them all, use them up, and try them all again. Life is not limitless; it is those very limits that allow us to feel the rush of risk, to feel excited about something we’ve never done. Inexperience is not stupidity. Do not mistake the two in yourself nor in others.
You are kind, but that does not mean in your kindness you should allow people to overextend your niceties. Do not allow your heart to be abused by anyone who does not have your best interests in mind. Save the kindness, the generosity you possess for those who earn it, deserve it, and recognize it. You are a person and this means sometimes you lose your patience and are not always nice. Sometimes you are cruel, mean, bitter, spiteful, and enraged. However, again like kindness do not extend these emotions to those who have not earned it. To those who have, unleash your words, looks, and thoughts so that you may return to a more balanced self.
You are beautiful, inside and out. You must learn to understand this so that you can take pride in yourself, so that you can let the wonderful inside shine out. Your spirit washes you beautiful and like a stain applied to wood, it becomes ingrained. Do not be overzealous in your pride. There are others out there with more beauty inside, out, both sides, than you have and there are others who were not blessed as you were. Do not admire the more beautiful just because they are so, do not pity the less just because they are so. Admire them for the talents they possess, for how they handle their lives, for what they bring to this world. For this is how you would want to be judged.
You are important, but you are not the sun. Your presence is not necessary for plants to grow, people to live, for cars to run, etc. Just because you are not the center of something doesn’t mean you should discount who you are, that you should feel like only one among millions, and that you do not matter. Learn to matter to yourself and then you shall matter to others, and while you are not the sun, you can be like a warm ray of light that people would rather not be without. You can put a glow in their cheeks and a smile on their faces.
You are capable. While you cannot do everything in this world, no one can even though it seems sometimes that certain people received every talent on the planet. They did not and whatever you do excel in, use it, enjoy it, share it, and expand it. This is where the rush of risk is important, for without it you will never know where your talents lie, what you are really able to do. If you cannot do something well, do the best you can, and find help in those who were given those gifts. The same goes for the talents that you acquire either through birth or life, share them with those who need a hand.
You are worthy. Never think less of yourself; plenty of others will do that for you for perceived inabilities. Ignore them. Listen to your own voice. It should be the strongest one that you hear; your own voice should be your loudest cheerleader. She should always be waving her pompoms for you, spelling out your name in her cheer. If your voice does not have team spirit, tape her mouth shut. Then tell yourself that you are worthy, that you are deserving, and good.
Do not degrade yourself in ways that tear down the basis tenants of feminism. You are not a slut, ho, whore, or any other word because you enjoy sex, making love, or physical connections with men in any manner you so choose. You are not a bitch when you assert yourself if you are wronged or see a wrong. You control your body and your brain. Fight for what you believe in. Do not let others force their control over you through their hands, words, and laws. Do not let them brainwash you. Think for yourself, consider all the sides, and protect what you believe in.
Amber, I write these words to you so that you will see the whole you, so that you will love yourself enough to guide your life in a healthy, positive direction. Live your life so that you are not ashamed, not regretful, that attempts to bring you happiness, and something you can be proud of when it says “The end.”
Love your me,
Amber
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